In order to showcase national pride, Penn president, Amy Gutmann, decided to host the first, and potentially last, Annual University of Pennsylvania 4th of July Firework Spectacular Sponsored by Bud Light.

“I can’t live there for two weeks or more. No matter what. I promise I’ll be responsible and not catch COVID.”

 Just like Penn Basketball, if Trump wins reelection, you all can get a free ShakeShack burger!

"I have hand, foot, and mouth already," shouted one excited incoming freshman, peering out of an inconspicuous bush on Locust Walk. "I was accepted ED, and I've been waiting to roll around on the floor of a quad bathroom ever since! I can't wait to get COVID-19! Is this the Penn experience?" 

"I've bought 15 Penn sweatshirts so far, but I still haven't found a golden ticket," explained stressed junior Andre Jones. "At this point, I'll be wearing Penn sweatshirts almost exclusively well into my 30s."

After months of deliberation, university officials have finally come to a consensus on their plan of action this upcoming school year. Instead of reopening its doors to all, entrance to Penn’s campus will be restricted to one group: professors.

“After thoughtful deliberation, we came to realize, as a baseline, we could at least provide each incoming student with a deep sense of despair, loneliness, and isolation. This promise is at the core of our fall 2020 plan.”

Describing the semester as ‘Penn Lite’, Gutmann ensured students that the semester will have all of the Penn Face, pre-professionalism, and toxicity of a normal semester at Penn, minus every form of stress-relief and joy that made being a Penn student somewhat tolerable. 

For the sake of parents' basements everywhere, Amy Gutmann, if you're reading this, listen to the students' pleas and give us a hybrid experience. We know there's a risk of COVID, but anything's better than another four months at home.

Now, instead of students booking out an entire GSR to cry and fall asleep in, they will each be assigned their own personal study pod. Each room entrance will have a gold placard engraved with the student’s name and their associated fraternity or sorority. 

One of my favorite childhood memories was coming home from school, grabbing some pizza rolls, and escaping into the world of joy-riding and abusing prostitutes on the street.

Scrolling down to the "About" section, I thought that surely Furda, a man who went to our school and has worked there for years, would at the least give Amy Gutmann a shoutout, but no. 

"I thought it would be a nice way for my successor to remember me and to cement my legacy in one of the most permanent ways possible."

Furthermore, UTB has deduced the real reason for his sudden departure: with recent budget cuts, the University can no longer afford the salary of its hot, sexy, well-proportioned admissions cover boy. 

 “Yeah, I know there are a lot of Jewish people that are uncomfortable with the statue. But they just have to deal with it. My inability to read a book far outweighs the fact 6 million of their people were killed.” 

They're holding their guns. I guess that's the Texan way. Oop, the slurs are coming, I hear them now, but I feel like this time the slurs are coming from a point of acceptance.

When asked to explain why she smokes cigarettes despite concentrating in Public Health, Jameson was quick to explain it was only to keep from hitting her Juul.

"In those online 'cut your own hair' tutorials, they never tell you how drunk you're supposed to be. Turns out, maybe not as drunk as I was haha!" Norstalick laughed, nervously. Her family reported that she was completely sober when she buzzed her hair. 

Unfortunately, I have yet to meet my lovely Jessica in person. We’ve actually never even spoken. Pretty hot right?

At its core, Ur Local Conservatory and Botanical Gardens’ mission is to improve quality of life and connect with the community — elderly women, garden geeks, and the occasional school field trip. As part of that mission, we are supporting the resolution declaring racism a public health crisis.