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News


5 Cliché Windows For Your Amateur Photoshoot of Impromptu Snowstorm

In the spirit of giving, UTB is here to help you d-bags out. It was hard to narrow down the five best windows out of the 1,366,475 windows on campus, but after great deliberation we have compiled a list.


AirPennNet Celebrates 1 Million Hours Of Pornography Streamed On Network

Gutmann and the Board of Trustees have sought to boost erotica consumption through the Power of Porn campaign.


Ben Simmons MERTed After Every Guy at City Tap House Tells Him to Take More Shots

Despite multiple security guards protecting Simmons from his fellow patrons at Tap House, they could not prevent a few unwelcome comments from being hurled at the NBA player from across the bar. The first of which came from lifelong Sixers fan Dan Spagnola (C ‘19) who yelled at the pass-first point guard to “take more shots.”


Howie Mandel Instructs Student How to “Phone a Lifeline” After Exhausting All Other Two-Step Verification Codes

Sadly, Webster’s only lifeline was his now ex-girlfriend, Miranda Sheath who had "had it up to here with Cole’s drunken bullshit." But left with no other choice, Webster made the call as Howie Mandel hummed the Deal or No Deal theme song to himself, applying ample hand sanitizer all the while.


Report: 90% of US Population Will be Consulting for Each Other by 2030

The sheer number of consultants working in ten years will necessitate that they work for each other.


Amy Gutmann Finally Denounces Logan and Jake Paul

On behalf of the Penn community, I vehemently condemn their actions over the last two years, and implore you to unsubscribe and down-vote their videos. 


Sorority Engaged in Immersive Rehearsals of Live Action Rendition of 'Madeline'

They have dedicated the six weeks until spring break to wholeheartedly morphing into French children. Preparation for the performance includes weekly Parc brunches, mixers with Euro Penn, and developing a rather dangerous addiction to cigarettes.


Finally: NCH Dining Hall Hires Death Grips Frontman to Yell When Your Order's Ready

Freshmen agree: our staff just hasn’t been shouting loudly enough.


Guy Who's Been Lame For 3 Years Excited to Finally Identify as Washed Senior

Talking about going to events and never showing up is basically the norm, so I can just make up plans for the weekend and if anyone calls me on it I can just say that I got tired!


Your Rush Guide to Fraternity House Architecture

Once inside, a fraternity house’s visual experience typically includes at least three pieces of taxidermy, and enough platforms to make the entire floor one large elevated surface.


Penn InTouch to Hire When2meet as Consultants in Redesign Process

We recognize that PennInTouch has been a little outdated ever since its inception, so we are turning it over to the experts that really pioneered website design. The green and the pink of the availability chart just complement each other so well, and we want to bring this award-winning design to PennInTouch.


Gutmann and Penn Reach Temporary Agreement on Shutdown Over Border Wall

The Penn Administration, in a vote of 23-13, voted against the bill, leaving the University in a state of crisis. 


Gay Statesman Writer Prefers Men Both Romantically and Professionally

College junior Daniel Atwood is just like every other red-blooded American boy: he likes his coffee black, meat on his plate, and assault rifles under his pillow.


"Yo what it is fam, tryna bool doe homie?" Says White Boy from Greenwich

Word up, son. Finna hit Potty at nine oh deuce.


Penn Meteorologists Declare "As Fuck" New Unit of Measurement

To help students who have no concept of the difference between 30 degrees and 10 degrees, Penn meteorologists have created a new scientific unit of measurement for any temperature falling below 30 degrees. 


Self-Care Queen! Girl Finally Settles Down to Do Homework, Drops Class Instead

“We live in such a fast-paced society these days, we forget to make time for the things that truly matter.” Sarai explained that she cares deeply about binge-watching Netflix, scrolling through social media, and getting absolutely blasted. 


BREAKING: Fraternity Houses Crack Under Pressure Because Even They Can't Fucking Do This Anymore

According to a Penn's Interfraternity Council (IFC), most Fraternity Chapter Houses — or ‘chouses’ —have been deteriorating at unprecedented rates this rush season. 


Kendall Jenner Rejected From Smokes, Forced to Go to City Tap House

Though Jenner swore Tap House was her bar of choice, the hoards of Penn students waiting in line for Smokey Joe’s infamous “sink or swim” confirmed otherwise. 


Penn Sociology Finds That Only 1% of the Student Population Hoards 90% of Campus Self Esteem

A recent study conducted by the Penn Sociology Department found that, despite Penn boasting an undergraduate population of just over 10,000, only 97 students reported feeling any sense of self-esteem in the 2018 calendar year.


25 Percent of Students Eat at Franklin's Table. Penn Should Cover Costs.

I didn’t even realize how big a deal it was until I saw everyone else carrying those tenderly mass-produced DK bento boxes around campus. 


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