You, dear reader, are presented today with a similar, devastating predicament: Do you invite me to your party OR know that I will shut down your shindig out of spite and hot jealous rage?
Or perhaps all along they’ve been the thing stopping themselves from achieving happiness. No, that’s not possible--it’s not as though they sabotage themselves by having 7+ hours of screen time, eating 1.5 meals a day, and sleeping only 4 hours.
You, dear reader, are presented today with a similar, devastating predicament: Do you invite me to your party OR know that I will shut down your shindig out of spite and hot jealous rage?
One measly day isn’t enough to process the trauma of calling your professor Mom, let alone one to four whole years of undergrad. Yo, Gutmann! Don’t leave me high and dry here.
Or perhaps all along they’ve been the thing stopping themselves from achieving happiness. No, that’s not possible--it’s not as though they sabotage themselves by having 7+ hours of screen time, eating 1.5 meals a day, and sleeping only 4 hours.
They thought that they were simply built different and that their stupid little February birthdays were safe. But now who has the last damn word?
Ha! Hah! Ha-ha-aha! Oh, what sport! What astounding, overflowing levity! Man, this is liberating. Grant me restraint, Euphrosyne! I beg of you.
Students began to text back "new phone who dis," and various memes. Pritchett did not respond to these texts.
Wendell knew that they were just misguided rugrats that needed a little love and support to stop them from killing the innocent people in West Philly.
I have caught Covid 7 different times, and have not once tested negative since March 13th. I have blood dripping from my eyeballs in quarts everyday.
While many feel as though they only settled for Biden, not having to act embarrassed by a direct connection to the President feels like a win. At this point it almost feels like being actually proud of a Penn alumni might just be too greedy.
I'm really having a difficult time deciding.
Absolutely tragic! The Zoomers have won once again.
I know you think you deserve a quick little 10-minute break (spoiler alert, you don't) and that you were hoping that a little UTB and chill would be helpful in relieving tension and help you focus long term, but trust me, it's not helping!
Mom, all I’ve ever wanted to do is make you proud. I hope that you’re supportive, come to accept him into our family and don’t mind if he occasionally showers in our house.
Liam has already suffered the effects of the damn mask and blames his tyrant governor for crippling his young body. When he wakes up his body trembles, he suffers almost constant nose bleeds and his heart is always racing.
There’s this chick, right? Get this: everytime I try to put on the moves, she just stares at me, looks all concerned, and then asks me to come down for dinner before it gets cold. Like, what the hell?
As your Aunt Cathy is nursing her sixth glass of Chardonnay, yelling that Nancy Pelosi was paid by the Democrats and Big Poor to slip Trump COVID-19 just weeks before the election, it is best to identify your allies, finding the other young, liberal democrats with whom you can discuss your rejection of conventional religions openly and freely.
You want those stinky little capitalist consumers vying for you in the supermarket, fighting to bring you home, ram their fists up your ass and then dunk your tender meat in cranberry sauce. Mhmm mhmm mhmmmmm. Doesn’t the American Dream taste delicious?
Is she... you know...?
You can say you're doing well but we all know you’re growing increasingly concerned about your family’s alcoholism creeping up on you faster and faster.
Of course they always seem to be Wharton students while the people in real classes slave away with test after test. Thankfully Wharton caters to their dumb and lazy student body by understanding their weak frame can only handle so many exams in one semester.
Solutions by The State News
