Don't Mind the Bubonic Boils, I Have a Green PennOpen Pass
I have caught Covid 7 different times, and have not once tested negative since March 13th. I have blood dripping from my eyeballs in quarts everyday.
Opinion
QUIZ: Should I Take Next Semester off or My Top Off?
I'm really having a difficult time deciding.
UGH: Hometown High Schoolers Took Your Old Make Out Spot
Absolutely tragic! The Zoomers have won once again.
Op-Ed: You Should Probably Start the Readings Now
I know you think you deserve a quick little 10-minute break (spoiler alert, you don't) and that you were hoping that a little UTB and chill would be helpful in relieving tension and help you focus long term, but trust me, it's not helping!
How to Tell Your Mom You’re Dating a SoundCloud Artist
Mom, all I’ve ever wanted to do is make you proud. I hope that you’re supportive, come to accept him into our family and don’t mind if he occasionally showers in our house.
Friend Who Does Cocaine Worried About Health Effects of Wearing Mask
Liam has already suffered the effects of the damn mask and blames his tyrant governor for crippling his young body. When he wakes up his body trembles, he suffers almost constant nose bleeds and his heart is always racing.
Warning: Penn Hookup Culture MUCH Different at Home
There’s this chick, right? Get this: everytime I try to put on the moves, she just stares at me, looks all concerned, and then asks me to come down for dinner before it gets cold. Like, what the hell?
A Guide to Dealing with Liberal Relatives Over the Holidays
As your Aunt Cathy is nursing her sixth glass of Chardonnay, yelling that Nancy Pelosi was paid by the Democrats and Big Poor to slip Trump COVID-19 just weeks before the election, it is best to identify your allies, finding the other young, liberal democrats with whom you can discuss your rejection of conventional religions openly and freely.
You Wish You Were a Fat, Little Turkey Now, Don’t You?
You want those stinky little capitalist consumers vying for you in the supermarket, fighting to bring you home, ram their fists up your ass and then dunk your tender meat in cranberry sauce. Mhmm mhmm mhmmmmm. Doesn’t the American Dream taste delicious?
Ambiguous! Quirky Aunt Bringing "Special Friend" To Thanksgiving Again
Is she... you know...?
“Hey! I’m Doing Well, How Are You?” Says Liar
You can say you're doing well but we all know you’re growing increasingly concerned about your family’s alcoholism creeping up on you faster and faster.
Student Contemplates Homicide Against Friend Who Is “Finished With Midterms”
Of course they always seem to be Wharton students while the people in real classes slave away with test after test. Thankfully Wharton caters to their dumb and lazy student body by understanding their weak frame can only handle so many exams in one semester.
Here's How to Justify That Party You Went To
Your best fremeny only turns 20 and a half ONCE.
No Nut November: If You Bring P*can Pie to Thanksgiving, I'll Vomit Directly On You
Let me convince you as to why we should direct resources towards eradicating p*can pie.
Op-Ed: Nicki Minaj Deserves A Pulitzer Prize
The fact that Bob Dylan has a Pulitzer Prize and Nicki Minaj does not is utterly reprehensible.
If Everyone Is Beautiful in Their Own Way, Where Are the Ugly People?
I know that ugly people did not just disappear, even if they can trick us by editing their imperfections away using FaceTune.
Coronavirus Caused Me To Lose My Sense of Taste In Men
I am still having trouble tasting the difference between a genuine, loving companion and that frat guy who told me, “You know, you and my dad’s yacht have something in common. You can both handle my load.”
UTB MadLibs: Can YOU Help Donald Write His Victory Speech?
I want to thank (celebrity), (closeted-gay Republican), (sell-out democrat), (porn star), (Trump family member), and myself.
