Some classmates had begun to grow suspicious as Jackson sneezed six times merely during the conversation about possibly moving the class outdoors. 

Congratulations! You now possess the ability to make all of your native-speaking friends either sympathetic or uncomfortable.

Last weekend he went down on me and when he was ‘done,’ he asked if that could double-count for the rest of the week.

Now, the votes have been cast, and a new board has been selected, and the Undergraduate Assembly can finally return to not impacting the day-to-day life of students as it was designed to do. Finally students can take a deep breath and focus on things that actually matter, ranging from doing laundry to literally anything other than UA. 

Of course, Reynolds could use another artist’s lyrics, or even come up with her own witty phrase, but she has become so used to looking up Drake verses for each post that she can no longer form an original thought.

She began to skip classes and to stay out late with that boy Ben from ZBT. She would come back and do work well into the early hours.

"My dishes in the sink are hairy now.” 

Sheesh, Joseph — join the 21st century and catfish your mom on Jdate like the rest of us.

Aw man! Chris Solomons (C '20) was all ready for a killer Fling weekend until, according to him, the weather had other plans. UTB caught up with Solomons as he reclined in a bean bag chair, a bowl of Chocolatey Chip Teddy Grahams in hand.

Jupiter’s in retrograde, which is supposed to bring out my spontaneous side, which is NOT something I researched for this particular article.

All I’m trying to say is that I’m 100% vulnerable to the measles, but I’m also 100% down to fuck.

Castle isn’t really hosting an event, they just want to bring us closer together as a school. That’s why they sent us on an impossible quest to get “tickets,” because they know we’d have to work together and meet so many new people along the way. 

 There are nearly zero bathrooms on campus designed and intended specifically for men.

She had left her pods back at her house on 39th street, and there was no chance she was willing to walk six blocks to pick up a new pod.

Why, when most of us are content with small packs that fit within our frame, do some insist on carrying around monstrous sacks that do little but obstruct?

Plus, the other day when it went up to 80°, it felt like they were going to melt and run down my leg. This makes me very nervous about my reproductive health. 

Anyone who’s anyone knows that the most important part of Spring Fling is the fit you sport from darty to darty throughout the weekend.

Until College Green smells like syrup at all hours of the day, this university is not living up to its full potential.

You and Jessica have been going strong for nine months now, but these past couple of weeks you’ve noticed that the two of you have grown more and more distant. You have no idea why, but there’s this guy Brad in her OIDD class that she’s always getting food with now. 

It seems that when it comes to the main Fling event, Penn has been scraping the bottom of the barrel for some time now. What the concert needs is a fresh new update – a headliner that will make the Penn student body proud to whip out their lighters and sway to the music in the cool spring breeze.