"Frankly, we are shocked by these findings. We always thought sniffling when it gets a little chilly was a result of cocaine usage."

Reaction to the change has been mixed. Much of the outcry has come from alumni who had just bought red and blue apparel for their two-month-old children.

For Engineering freshman Jasper Tisdale, the two weeks allotted for this task still won't be enough. 

With midterm season in full swing, many Penn professors are looking for innovative ways to make things more interesting for themselves.

She was wearing Stan Smiths and would wave flyers in front of passersby, at times even forcing the slips of paper into victims’ mouths.

For College sophomore Sofie Perez, every day is a waking temporal nightmare.

The pain of saying hello loudly enough for passersby to hear, so they can all watch you get ignored, cuts so deep that it can feel like you will never recover.

The report comes after the discovery of mold in several rooms in the Quad.

Wharton sophomore Aguistin Latimer always wanted a small campus vibe.

Ah—to be tall. To be able to reach things on shelves without throwing out your shoulder and collapsing your mold covered Quad closet.

Although almost a full week has passed since the release of this report, President Amy Gutmann has yet to comment on the matter.

College senior Mark Judge was recently spotted laying shirtless on Locust Walk, with sunlight hitting his entire body.

I, Jared from your PoliSci recitation, am here to tell you what really happened—and no, I won’t be giving you an exit from this conversation.

Hey do you have a second? Yea just take your headphones out real quick this’ll only take a minute.

Bowers said on exiting Towne “I’m just hoping a lot more people made the choice I made today. Because if not, the curve is really going to fuck me over.” 

Current estimates suggest losses totalling over $10,000, including broken laptops, desks ripped off their hinges, and at least three broken noses and several other alleged broken noses that are being used as excuses to get a nose job.

Dr. Smith did not respond to requests for comment, but a one-way receipt for a plane ticket to Aruba and her latest Facebook posts show that she is far away from the stresses of dealing with the acne-ridden, stress-fueled, overly affluent freshmen who occupied her previous daily life.  

Mayhew also said she and other debaters have been big fans of Gritty for a long time. 

Let's just call the whole thing off. You don’t want my grades to be as bad as the President’s, do you?

The service would pick up and drop off ballots for students for only $9.99, traveling distances as far as 0.2 miles (the furthest any student is from a polling location).