Pumpkin Spice Latte Too Spicy for White Freshman
Having heard rave reviews from his friends, College freshman Davis Grant decided it was time to expand his horizons and try a pumpkin spice latte.
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New Metal Water Bottle Replaces Previous Metal Water Bottle As Crucial Indicator Of Taste And Wealth
In front of a crowd of status-conscious, affluent witnesses, the Hydro Flask officially replaced the S’Well bottle as a completely necessary symbol of social worth.
Pumpkin Spice Latte Too Spicy for White Freshman
Having heard rave reviews from his friends, College freshman Davis Grant decided it was time to expand his horizons and try a pumpkin spice latte.
BREAKING: Guy Wearing Lacrosse Hat, Shorts, Backpack, and Jacket on Lacrosse Team
Wow! Talk about a superstar athlete.
New Metal Water Bottle Replaces Previous Metal Water Bottle As Crucial Indicator Of Taste And Wealth
In front of a crowd of status-conscious, affluent witnesses, the Hydro Flask officially replaced the S’Well bottle as a completely necessary symbol of social worth.
OP-ED: Please Send Me Your Answers to the Homework (So I Can Compare)
Hey, friend. I see you’ve finished the problem set due tomorrow.
OP-ED: Choosing Your Child's Major is a Personal Decision—There's No Need to Rush
College is a time full of endless possibilities. It’s very understandable if you’re feeling a little overwhelmed with all of the choices your child must navigate.
5 Supplemental Vitamins That Say 'I Am Slowly Deteriorating'
Here at Penn we live in more of a petri dish than a melting pot, and so as you slowly fall apart this October and November, check out these 5 supplemental vitamins whose sole function is to keep you operating at a basic human level.
Stressful, Miserable Campus Now Also Cold
Walking from imposing building to imposing building used to at least offer a few moments of sunshine as a salve for existential pain. Now you shiver as you trudge from one locus of punishment to another.
The Ten Best Erasers For When You Realize Your Whole Exam Is Wrong Five Minutes Before It’s Over
If you write very lightly, you’ll be able to smoothly erase your entire exam with just this little thing in under 15 minutes.
Smart! Put Completed Tasks on To-Do Lists So You Finally Have Something to Cross Off
Looking for the hit of dopamine that comes with the strikethrough of a daunting assignment without doing any additional work?
OP-ED: I'll Eat Mold If It Gets Me a Room at the Inn At Penn
When I applied to Penn, I made sure to put the Quad as my top housing priority.
First Canada Gooses Spotted on Campus! Is It That Cold or Is Everyone Dressed like a Douchebag for Halloween?
As this frigid October continues to prove that global warming is a left-wing hoax, students have been donning their winter coats especially early this year.
Mortifying: This Student Accidentally Called Her Professor 'My Wife' in Borat Voice
Calling your professor "mom": it happens to every college student at some point or another, and it never fails to humiliate all involved.
Penn Quaker Method Acting to Prepare for Starring Role in New Horror Franchise
The full moon hung low and yellow over Locust as Sarah Lambert (E '20) recounted her traumatic encounter with Penn's mascot last Wednesday to UTB reporters.
OP-ED: I Don’t Care About Romance I Care About Platform Sandals
Listen up. I literally do not care who you are or what your name is.
Senior Walking and Mumbling to Herself Not Actually on Phone, Just Has Imaginary Friend
To the outside observer, Olivia Murdock (C ’18) appears just like any other student milling down Locust: earbuds in, chatting away blissfully on the phone.
Facilities Knocks on Freshman’s Dorm Right When the Porn Gets Good
At 2:00 p.m. every Monday afternoon, College freshman Ashley Smithbank’s roommate leaves for her Math 104 recitation, which means that the Masturbation Monday festitivies can commence.
Junior Who Stared Down Group as Harnwell Elevators Closed Actually a Nice Guy
Ever stared into someone’s soul while the elevator doors are closing?
Sophomore Seriously Regretting Decision to Purchase Bulk Order of Soylent
Rafael Bowden (C ’20), allured by Soylent’s promise to deliver a delicious meal on-the-go, is now regretting his decision to purchase ten cases of strawberry-flavored Soylent, a quantity equivalent to 120 bottles.
Up and Coming Stand-Up Comedian Masters Standing, Ready to Start Writing Jokes Any Day Now
Fans of local stand up comedian Zachary Smith witnessed a milestone event in his career last Saturday, during his eighth solo set.
