Most Recent
OP-ED: If I'm Not Going To Watch Fox News Shirtless In My Floor Lounge, Who Will?
My friends on the TV were somewhat concerned with the state of the US House of Representatives.
"I Don’t Wanna Yuck Someone’s Yum": Devil's Advocate Guy Picks Up New Signature Saying
That annoying guy in your seminar just got more annoying.
BREAKING: McClelland to Offer a Head of Cabbage in Exchange for One Singular Meal Swipe
What a Mmmm Mmmm yummy meal I had.
Ben Franklin’s Rotting Corpse Banned From Student Groups
Penn has set its sights on the most obvious hurdle impeding a green future – oboe players.
BREAKING: All Signs Say It's Just About Time for Break
It really is time for break -- time to be free of finals, to be away from your failed situationship, to have a bedroom to yourself, and for the only thing that really matters: quality me-time.
Finals Season! 10 Places On Campus to Conduct Your Eternal Scream In
Finally! A comprehensive list of places where one can scream in and be at peace.
Local Student Outsmarts Van Pelt Bag Search Policy by Shoving Rare 19th Century Manuscript Up Ass
Witnesses say the suspect was last seen waddling past the library security desk.
How to Merge the Ego and the Self in the Huntsman Bathroom Mirror
I miss the enlightened and sincere demeanor you presented with before this interschool minor!
Vaccines Work: How My Unvaccinated Roommate Died of Misdiagnosed Tuberculosis
Check on your friends with Health Registration Holds…
UTB’s Guide for Sending Your Professor Ignominious Emails Asking for Undeserved Extension or Apologizing for Irredeemable Wretchedness
First step, enema.
Oh Shit! This Song Makes Me Want to Move My Body in Ways I’ve Never Moved Before
Danse, dance, dAAAAAAAANCE!
Happy Thanksgiving! My Friend Told Me I Have the Facial Structure of Goody Proctor
I think it’s your nose, maybe your chin. It's like someone overlayed every white girls' face.
601 Reasons Why Doja Cat's "Get Into It (Yuh)" is the Song of the Summer 2022
Spoiler: It's not what you think!
Damn: Insufferable Rich Kid Actually Pretty Drippy
Despite his decidedly insufferable characteristics, I must concede that this kid fucking dripsssss.
OP-ED: You Can’t Kick Me Out of a GSR in a Way That Matters
I realize I am damned to this narrative.
Green Eggs AND Ham, Commons Has Everything Today!
I do not like commons green eggs and ham. I do not like this, Maya I am.
Sophomore Misses Midterm to Wait in Line for 1.5 Oz of Glossier You Eau de Parfum
It's so worth it! It really does smell a little different on everyone.
OP-ED: I Need You To Love Me More
Nothing is truly ever as it seems, yet everything acts in accordance to what you do. Therefore, extend your love to me!
They’ve Gone Too Far: The Penntrification of Northeast Philadelphia
And hey, it’s not like Philly is going to do anything about it. One resident close to the demolished shelter said, “This place kinda sucks” when I asked her how she felt about Penn’s most recent expansion.
Erm, Why Does Your Childhood Friend Have a Two-Year-Old and You Don’t Even Have Your Bachelors
Jersey? Hannah is going to OWN a house with a yard? And she is a manager at Super Cuts in Cherry Hill?