Dreams DO Come True! I Got to Be One of the People Eating in the Window of &pizza.
Critics say the institution is on track to become the country’s hottest eatery.
Most Recent
“Woke” Professor Late to 8AM Lecture
Her children are homeschooled so that they don’t deprive other students a spot at Germantown Friends. Her husband teaches them, because he’s her bitch. She killed her dad to smash the patriarchy.
Didn’t Get a Bid? Here’s How to Make Them Pay.
Carey Salvin
Sunday, Feb. 5, 2023Sun, Feb 5, 2023
They didn’t like you! None of them liked you!
OP-ED: I’d Like to Pay More for My On-Campus Housing, and Here’s Why
Carey Salvin
Friday, Feb. 3, 2023Fri, Feb 3, 2023
Remember… you have to spend money to make money.
It's About the Journey, Not the Destination: The Construction Outside College Hall is a Blessing in Disguise
Honestly, I'm feeling really optimistic about all this.
Ice Spice to Receive Honorary Doctorate From Wharton Marketing Department
Daniel Scanlon
Friday, Feb. 3, 2023Fri, Feb 3, 2023
"[She] blazed the trail for several thousand grants, fellowships, and exalted spiritual epiphanies."
op-id: i got my hipocampal fat removal at es aych es i think
i said i want to luk like liamishel and i want surgury liamishel has and nurs sed ok
Breaking! I Was Held Hostage and Tortured Inside Five Guys this Entire Time
It’s incredible how much mental and physical torture five men can inflict in just 18 months.
OMG They’re Gonna Love It: College Green Fence Masks Surprise Low-Income Housing Project
After we literally had sex with each other, Liz excitedly told me about the board’s plans for College Green.
"Join UTB!" Begs Shell of Man Who Made Few Good Jokes One Time
We are once again asking for your sometimes hilarious applications
SHS to Be Replaced With Battalion of Busty Swedish Women Offering Deep-Tissue Massages
It’s time to face the truth. There’s simply nothing as blissful as a Swedish woman dislocating your spine and rearranging your organs.
OP-ED: I've Been Thinking Recently
Thinking. Pondering. Wondering.
Going Green! Penn To Replace Liquid Dispensers in Every Campus Bathroom with La Plancha’s Soapy Ass Guac
Wahid Sarwar
Thursday, Jan. 26, 2023Thu, Jan 26, 2023
Ooh… egad… It smells a little un poco podrigo in Huntsman Hall now…
Transition of Power! UTB Appoints Chinese Authority
Faresi Alfaresi
Thursday, Jan. 26, 2023Thu, Jan 26, 2023
With this comes the death of media bias, we shall all revel in the age of true reporting and inclusion.
OK Boomer! You Remember When Halal Was $5
I miss the days when I could get a $5 halal before going to class and licking all the tables, chairs, doorknobs, and power outlets.
Amid Penn Biden Center Controversy, University Denies It is Housing Chinese Students
The renewed controversy comes just days after Congressional Republicans accused Penn of offering Chinese language classes.
BREAKING: Penn Museum to Castrate All New Students and Use Their Remains in ANTH 0001 Lectures
First hand, you and your classmates can examine each other’s… members!
