Life is Too Short to Be Sad: Here’s How to Be Downright Miserable
We are but mere mortals in the grand scheme of things, so why waste your time on this earth feeling sad? Here’s how to feel downright miserable instead.
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Swinging Both Ways! Weather Found To Be Both 1000 and -10 Degrees Simultaneously
Sweating and shivering, sweating and shivering.
Life is Too Short to Be Sad: Here’s How to Be Downright Miserable
Ian Ong
Saturday, Dec. 4, 2021Sat, Dec 4, 2021
We are but mere mortals in the grand scheme of things, so why waste your time on this earth feeling sad? Here’s how to feel downright miserable instead.
Hidden Heroes: The Eight Against Hate
Justine Orgel
Saturday, Dec. 4, 2021Sat, Dec 4, 2021
Athletes don't get enough thanks. Let's change that. It's time to listen to minority voices and uplift our stoic heroes.
Swinging Both Ways! Weather Found To Be Both 1000 and -10 Degrees Simultaneously
Sweating and shivering, sweating and shivering.
OP-ED: Your Show Was Actually, Like, Good WTF
UTB Staff
Wednesday, Dec. 1, 2021Wed, Dec 1, 2021
Guys, I’m about to, like, say something a little bit controversial. Don’t cancel me pleaseeeee :(
ESCANDALO: Penn to Replace Penn In-Touch With a Fax Machine
UTB Staff
Monday, Nov. 29, 2021Mon, Nov 29, 2021
Your subjects will be out to you in five to eight business weeks.
OP-ED: Thanksgiving Is for Family, Which Is Why It’s the One Day They’re Allowed Out of the Basement
During the year, I feed Mom, Dad, Susie, Aunt Margaret, cousins Bobby, Johnny and Lily, and Grandpa Marty through IV bags, but on Thanksgiving, I allow them to eat with their mouths!
Not Again! Uncle’s Newest Girlfriend Qualifies for Kids’ Table at Thanksgiving
What? But I’m over 21, shouldn’t I be with Dave and the adults” she says to you, confused. “Yeah, but a tomato is technically a fruit, and we don’t put it in a fruit salad,” you reply, sagely.
Well-Written! This Study Shows, But Doesn't Tell
Megan Striff-Cave
Tuesday, Nov. 23, 2021Tue, Nov 23, 2021
“It’s like, that’s for you to decide. We’re not gonna sit here and say ‘binge drinking unequivocally has a negative impact on your health.’ Nope, that’s just not our style. We’ll show you the scans of the liver, and then it's up to you, the reader, to find meaning."
Oh You Can’t Name Five Brothers? Take a Lap
Yeah, I’m sorry man, I can’t let all of you guys in unless you know other brothers in the house. I don’t make the rules! Well…actually…I kind of do.
Greek Lady and Yiro Yiro Call Upon Zeus and Poseidon in Battle for Gyro Supremacy
Poseidon had the power to make every Greek Lady gyro just over the correct amount of moistness, which ruined each meal.
Guest Lecturer Droning On About Same Bullshit As Regular Lecturer
Students eagerly awaited someone who would be radically different than the lecturer who’d accounted for a whopping 27 hours of their online shopping time.
OP-ED: All Lectures Should Be Asynchronous and Our Eyes Should Be Replaced with Cybernetic Implants
Do we want to be left in the dust when the colossal machine that is globalization sweeps by? Or do we want to gouge out our eyeballs, excavate all of the vitreous humor, and insert spherical seeing devices designed by our top scientists and engineers into the gaps?
OP-ED: Let’s Not Cancel Mansplaining Because I Actually Don’t Understand Anything
No, I don’t understand what the fuck a supply shortage is and why it is causing the Starbucks on 40th and Walnut to be out of stock of the breakfast sandwich I eat every single day.
A Trip Into Psychedelic Medicine: I Took Ketamine at a Party
No, Mom and Dad, this is not some irresponsible decision or “proof that I need to get my shit together.” This is ketamine, and now researchers say that it has the potential to help heal from trauma or treat mental illness or something, I don’t really know.
Meet the Penn Students Who Ghostwrite All of My Articles
We’re the Penn students who ghostwrite all of Ian’s articles Yeah Yeah Hehe It’s not easy work but he pays us in exposure Speak for yourself muchacho Hehe Guys! Shut up! For Pete’s sake! Let her speak!
A Cappella Show Review: They Just Sang the Cup Song Over and Over Again
The rest of the show went on this way, with each new version of the song adding a new cup in the background, as well as occasional harmonizing.
Flummoxing: Student Won’t Stop Forcing Newly Learned Word Into Every Conversation
Luke Burke
Tuesday, Nov. 16, 2021Tue, Nov 16, 2021
As he walked back to his dorm from Wawa, he continued to impose his superior intellect on all who walked by him, making snide remarks such as “How flummoxing the weather is today,” and “What flummoxing shoes you have.”
BREAKING: Allegro Bans Masks After 12:00 AM
In order to shield any nerd who might decide to wear a mask at such a late hour from ridicule, Allegro has decided to fully ban masks in the interest of safety.
Inspiring: Brave Student Transforms Roommate's Side of Dorm into Compost Pile
Tired of indolence on the part of faculty and students, Stewart took the matter into his own hands by converting a non-necessary part of his dorm room, his roommateu2019s half of the room, into a fully functioning compost pile.
Screw It: University to Convert Harnwell into New SeaWorld Location
“Screw it, release the dolphins,” Director of Residential Services Justin Hopper muttered, staring at the water leaking out the windows on the 22nd floor.
