Most Recent
BREAKING: UTB Has Gun to My Head, Will Pull Trigger If I Stop Writing
UPDATE: sources are saying that I am totally safe, and that I am NOT continuing to write this article under duress of any sort. Please disregard the erroneous headline!
Irresponsible at Penn Stopped Because Everyone Is Responsible Now
The only plausible assumption is that all irresponsible behavior at Penn has ceased. Win!
Here's How to Justify That Party You Went To
Your best fremeny only turns 20 and a half ONCE.
No Nut November: If You Bring P*can Pie to Thanksgiving, I'll Vomit Directly On You
Let me convince you as to why we should direct resources towards eradicating p*can pie.
Joe Biden Doesn't See Red States and Blue States. He Sees a One State Solution
Biden has famously responded: “Palestinians have to learn to stop viewing their opponents as enemies”, “I love Hamas! I put it on my falafel all the time” and, “Israel? What’s that?”
Op-Ed: Nicki Minaj Deserves A Pulitzer Prize
The fact that Bob Dylan has a Pulitzer Prize and Nicki Minaj does not is utterly reprehensible.
If Everyone Is Beautiful in Their Own Way, Where Are the Ugly People?
I know that ugly people did not just disappear, even if they can trick us by editing their imperfections away using FaceTune.
Hot Girls Stay Winning! Meet Tropical Storm Theta
We at UTB have one thing to say to Tropical Storm Theta – yaaaasss and slay!!!
Quiz: How Many Lectures Have You Watched While Shitting?
Have you shitted while in writing seminar?
REPORT: "Dreams and Nightmares" Heard Blasting Non-Stop From Joe Biden's Delaware Home
Biden was heard loudly and poorly "rapping" along to his favorite parts of the song. "Flexin' on these n-words, I'm like Popeye on his spinach yo" and "Icy as a hockey rink, Philly neighbors I'm a fly-er yuh"
Crazy: Only People Who Finished Their Assigned Readings Can View This Article
Have you finished all of your assigned readings? Find out today by attempting to view this interactive article!
Coronavirus Caused Me To Lose My Sense of Taste In Men
I am still having trouble tasting the difference between a genuine, loving companion and that frat guy who told me, “You know, you and my dad’s yacht have something in common. You can both handle my load.”
UTB MadLibs: Can YOU Help Donald Write His Victory Speech?
I want to thank (celebrity), (closeted-gay Republican), (sell-out democrat), (porn star), (Trump family member), and myself.
Anonymous Poet Wins Professor of the Year Award
“Who is he?” queried Angelica Simons, eyes glimmering with infatuation. “I… need to meet him, he’s done so much for me, and his replies are so… captivating.”
Joe Biden Changes Instagram Bio Faster Than Sorority Girl On Bid Day
“Getting a bid for the Presidency was just such a rush.”
Election Fixed All Our Racism Problems, It's Time To Go Back To Brunch!
Celebration time! We did it! We resisted! Time to relax, sleep in, and stop marching and protesting. With savior Joe Biden elected, we can stop discussing wealth and racial inequalities every single day and get back to brunch at White Dog Cafe!
Blast From the Past: Here Are Four Genuine Smiles From People Who Are Intrinsically Satisfied with Life
Wowza! Does anyone else remember this? Without further ado, here are four bonafide smiles from people who are free from the crushing despair of our modern era!
Next Edison? Joe Biden Wins Electrical College
“The country has become too charged and too polarized, and we must dissipate all the energy. We must also work to regain positive flux in terms of trade and economics. We also cannot be alternating between red and blue. We must be direct. Directly American”.
