“When I first came to Penn, I thought I had the world at my fingertips,” Clyde Orear (C ‘22) recalled, eyes watery. “But it turns out all they teach you here is how to use Analysis ToolPak.”

I also think historians should "stop using the fucking Enlightenment to explain every aspect of 18th-century western birthrate trends.”

"I’d do a lot of stuff for $10. Like I mean, while I do value my dignity, my valuation of it is only $6 — on a good day.”

Just because you have a ban on food does NOT mean my cake shouldn’t be allowed in Fisher.

Keystone Light came in at a close second.

The decision comes in an attempt to curb the rampant complaints of second-hand smoke within the house.

Students have been lobbying for this change for years, claiming Penn’s “two-finger” strap width and “no athletic pants” policies are vague, outdated, and originate from elitist, sexist ideologies.

Lindsay Lohan, chairwoman of SEPTA, told Under the Button about the years of high-level thinking that went into this decision: “Our riders expect their trolley rides to be violent, unpredictable, and uncontrollable."

“I don’t have solutions for the packet. I want to prevent cheaters from copying and cheating on this optional, creditless review packet. Have a nice day, and go fuck yourself.”

This time we’ll be sending a message. I’m not sure about what, but I have a few hours to come up with one. Maybe we’ll convince Amy Gutmann to pay the workers a minimum wage or something, I dunno.

“My family did all get murdered, and I didn’t really have a good time dancing or whatever, but at least I got a photo that looked good.” 

“I just feel like we should be listening to ALL worldviews, even the underworld views. Let’s not judge a book by its cover, or a demon by his scales, as I always say.”

“I personally think Odyssey is a catalyst for social change,” Parsons said. “There are conversations that people need to be having, like such as about how feminism is just not super important for me personally, and it’s fine if it is for you, but I need you to respect my point of view as a writer.”

Everyone thinks my arrogant persona indicates that I’m compensating for something, and they’re right. But that is exactly why Penn needs to allow concealed carry on campus. 

Surely, we must thank this valiant hometown hero for reminding Karen that the bags under her eyes could carry all of her textbooks at once.

Additionally, since shuttles increase the congestion on Market Street and cause traffic jams, providing a private helicopter service would be just as, if not more, environmentally friendly than a shuttle. Finally, shuttles are simply uncool, and typically have bullies sitting in the back.

According to a recent study I heard somewhere but can’t totally remember where, a whopping 80% of Americans don’t base their political opinions on facts and opt instead to listen to biased talking heads. When I read this from this person I follow on Twitter, I was shocked.

Breathe easy and rest even easier at night because no one is going to doubt your radical politics anymore. 

Being the sole beautiful person in a space — as I often am — brings a pressure few could understand.

But there's one very compelling argument that voters have not yet considered: Bernie's name can be rearranged to spell "Nabs Reindeers."