“Sanjay, I’ve never despised a person more than you in my entire time at Penn," he began. "Remember when you tried to transfer to Wharton after freshman year and failed miserably? What was your GPA again—like 3.85? Idiot!”the truth hurts.

William O’Brien (C ’18) is about to graduate, but is already feeling sad and lonely, nervous about what his new life would bring. His days are numbered and now more than ever he wants to be noticed.

Marc Ross (W ’19) is tired of getting deceived. After failing to reconnect with a friend from Quaker Days, his plan for next year's living situation was in shambles.

It may be finals week, but that doesn’t mean business has to stop. Justin Kanter (W '19) didn’t want to suppress his entrepreneurial spirit just because of finals, but he wasn’t sure how he could possibly profit off of the masses while everyone was studying.

Next time you try to blow off some steam by bullying 12-year-olds on video games, make sure that the "stupid kid" isn't your Chem TA.

With hot sauce dripping down his hands and onto his lap, Engineering sophomore William Morris is beginning to realize that his decision to forgo napkins with his food truck burrito was a big mistake.

In a unprecedented display of benevolence and charity, fraternity Zeta Alpha Gamma is reaching out across campus to collected new and used Juul cartridges to donate to underserved kids in the West Philadelphia school system.

1. Use a string from the string store and a can from the can store.

At the start of every class, Professor Rosenberg adjusts the microphone on the podium at the front of the classroom. He taps on it twice to get the students’ attention, and then begins his lecture.

If you don’t count checkout lines, Winston Zheng (E ‘20) hasn’t been within five feet of a woman in months.

An unidentified man recently booked a Group Study Room on the ground floor of Huntsman Hall to eat his Chipotle bowl and stare at the wall.

Junior Ben Collins (C ‘19) has two notable qualities: he’s an optimist, and he’s a procrastinator. Whenever schoolwork gets tough, he keeps his head up. “You’ve gotta have some dark times to appreciate the good ones,” he always thinks to himself. During every difficult, stressful week he has, Collins thinks of the bright future ahead.

Let’s face it: avocados are expensive. Even if you cook at home, the fruit is $2.00 at the supermarket. So Robison, realizing that avocado as an ingredient increases the value of any food item, decided to apply that same principle to her most recent statistics exam.

Rachael Serra (C '18) had never been MERT'd before. She survived her first Penn BYO with flying colors. She even helped carry other freshmen back to the Quad. No formal or frat party could ever take her down. Rachael was classy as all hell.

This year marks 14 years since the groundbreaking documentary Supersize Me was released into theaters. The film followed Morgan Spurlock, a filmmaker who ate nothing but for a month and put himself on track to become obese. The movie educated a whole generation of consumers on the dangers of fast food.

Didn't get tapped for a senior society? Don't worry, we've got you. Here's how you can snag that tap in no time flat. 

Finals are fast approaching, and for the majority of students, that means one thing: time to start sucking up to the only student who paid attention this semester. 

Cold calling is the worst. Deborah Tanner (C '19) was caught off guard earlier this semester when her professor, hoping to throw a history major a softball question, asked her what year World War I started in their seminar class. 

Like many other students, Victoria Lyons (C ‘20) has a very religious finals week routine: she wakes up, buys six iced coffees, spends 17 hours at a desk in the Van Pelt library basement, and then passes out on the nearest couch, only to do the same exact thing the next day.

Notable loner and College sophomore Harrison Shawfield was spotted last Monday smoking a cigarette outside Saxbys during a torrential downpour. “Have you ever noticed how fake people are?” Shawfield inquired after beckoning us over through the curtain of rain.