Like many other students, Victoria Lyons (C ‘20) has a very religious finals week routine: she wakes up, buys six iced coffees, spends 17 hours at a desk in the Van Pelt library basement, and then passes out on the nearest couch, only to do the same exact thing the next day.

Notable loner and College sophomore Harrison Shawfield was spotted last Monday smoking a cigarette outside Saxbys during a torrential downpour. “Have you ever noticed how fake people are?” Shawfield inquired after beckoning us over through the curtain of rain.

The Ego of the Week this week is the Rumor nightclub mop. UTB sat down with the mop and heard all about the mop's role in the bustling Philadelphia clubbing scene, the mop's passions, and more!

Robert Kurzban, the Penn psychology professor currently in the news for having romantic relationships with his students, has finally given an explanation for his actions.

Saturdays may be for the boys, but Fridays are for FNCE100 Professor Joe Harris’ office hours.

Michael Coyle (C ’19) is just like any other junior. He spent the fall sweet talking recruiters in Saxbys, the winter feeding his blossoming alcoholism in order to cope with the stress of school, and the spring enjoying the sunshine on College Green.

Sophomore Allison Jackman begins all of her texts with a lowercase letter. While it comes off as chill and casual, Jackman actually uses it to compensate for her abrasive attitude.

In this day and age, it can be hard to find your footing when trying to convince someone to sleep with you in your twin XL bed, all based on the vague allure of an unsatisfying or faked orgasm. However, this didn’t stop James Fulton (C ’20) from trying an alternative method to lure a girl into his unsanitary dorm room.

Nature Valley granola bars are delicious, nutritious snacks, making them a classic staple of every busy college student's diet. The only problem with this portable delight? It inevitably disintegrates between your greasy fingers before you even get to the second bar.

College freshman Carmen Lieberman used to be quite the overachiever in high school. With the titles of NHS president, class treasurer, FBLA regional vice president, and honorary teacher’s pet under her belt, Lieberman came into Penn confident and ready to tackle both academic and extracurricular challenges.

What people think of him matters a lot more, however, and that’s why he's willing to take the risk.

With the rise of internet food culture, it feels like anyone armed with a Yelp account and portrait mode gets to call themselves a food expert. But for one devoted fan of Gordon Ramsay, the act of cooking is an art form. 

Susan Andrews (C '21) cannot wait for reading days. After a very long and very difficult semester, she’s really looking forward to spending a couple of days reading a good book. For months, she's been dreaming of curling up in some onesie pajamas, sipping a hot cocoa, and delving into an imaginary world.

East-Coasters everywhere rejoice! While Californians are still complaining about how cold it is outside, Alaskans and pretentious Canadians alike are setting their air conditioners to -60 degrees. Not everybody can be happy with perfect 70 degree weather, apparently. But hey, at least it’s not snowing in the middle of spring!

Timothy Dean is a tenured history professor with an unmatched knowledge and passion for Civil War studies. In his free time, he does pretty much nothing besides watch Ken Burns documentaries about the American South and crafting charcoal portraits of Abraham Lincoln. 

“There are too many Starbucks shops on campus,” Alms said boldly. “It came to me in a dream—this thought. While everyone else is out there following the herd, mobile ordering their Caramel Macchiatos, I’ll be out here alone, in search of something better.”

Meet Ali Johnson, a freshman from the Upper East Side of Manhattan and a young intellectual in the Huntsman Program in International Studies and Business. For a variety of reasons related to international affairs, Johnson decided that her target language would be Russian.

Earlier this week, Penn researchers announced the conclusion of a seminal, twenty-year, longitudinal study about the outcomes of Penn graduates.

Three days ago, Philadelphia courts were overflowing with an influx of women aged 18-24 interested not in appealing their speeding tickets or renewing their passports, but in simultaneously changing their names to “Katie.”

We caught up with Williams to find out what inspired her to embark on this sacred journey. She said the inspiration came when she saw a scoby, the bacteria that ferments in this fungal beverage, and thought, “I wonder what that would feel like if I put it up my butt.” From there, her discovery has made history.