News
It's About the Journey, Not the Destination: The Construction Outside College Hall is a Blessing in Disguise
Honestly, I'm feeling really optimistic about all this.
“Woke” Professor Late to 8AM Lecture
Her children are homeschooled so that they don’t deprive other students a spot at Germantown Friends. Her husband teaches them, because he’s her bitch. She killed her dad to smash the patriarchy.
It's About the Journey, Not the Destination: The Construction Outside College Hall is a Blessing in Disguise
Honestly, I'm feeling really optimistic about all this.
OMG They’re Gonna Love It: College Green Fence Masks Surprise Low-Income Housing Project
After we literally had sex with each other, Liz excitedly told me about the board’s plans for College Green.
"Join UTB!" Begs Shell of Man Who Made Few Good Jokes One Time
We are once again asking for your sometimes hilarious applications
SHS to Be Replaced With Battalion of Busty Swedish Women Offering Deep-Tissue Massages
It’s time to face the truth. There’s simply nothing as blissful as a Swedish woman dislocating your spine and rearranging your organs.
OK Boomer! You Remember When Halal Was $5
I miss the days when I could get a $5 halal before going to class and licking all the tables, chairs, doorknobs, and power outlets.
Amid Penn Biden Center Controversy, University Denies It is Housing Chinese Students
The renewed controversy comes just days after Congressional Republicans accused Penn of offering Chinese language classes.
BREAKING: Penn Museum to Castrate All New Students and Use Their Remains in ANTH 0001 Lectures
First hand, you and your classmates can examine each other’s… members!
Upgrade: Sophomore Moves From Harrison Double to Van Down By River
His landlord gutted the thing and stapled bed sheets to the interior to give it a nice homey vibe.
Penn Student's English Quite Good for a New Jerseyite
“Your English is almost as good as mine!” noted Philadelphia native Lily Gretcher.
Local Chinese Couple Discover They Are From Neighboring Provinces of Rhode Island and Connecticut
“Wait, what dialect do you speak at home?” asked Liu. “Western New England English,” Wang replied.
"I Don’t Wanna Yuck Someone’s Yum": Devil's Advocate Guy Picks Up New Signature Saying
That annoying guy in your seminar just got more annoying.
BREAKING: McClelland to Offer a Head of Cabbage in Exchange for One Singular Meal Swipe
What a Mmmm Mmmm yummy meal I had.
Ben Franklin’s Rotting Corpse Banned From Student Groups
Penn has set its sights on the most obvious hurdle impeding a green future – oboe players.
BREAKING: All Signs Say It's Just About Time for Break
It really is time for break -- time to be free of finals, to be away from your failed situationship, to have a bedroom to yourself, and for the only thing that really matters: quality me-time.
Local Student Outsmarts Van Pelt Bag Search Policy by Shoving Rare 19th Century Manuscript Up Ass
Witnesses say the suspect was last seen waddling past the library security desk.
Oh Shit! This Song Makes Me Want to Move My Body in Ways I’ve Never Moved Before
Danse, dance, dAAAAAAAANCE!
