Students will continue to carry all of their shit from table to table on the first floor of Van Pelt, in search of one of the elusive outlets that work 24/7. 

Just because people feel like they need an "equal opportunity for education" doesn’t mean we can provide it.

Listen: no matter how many interesting club flyers with compelling graphics and acerbic, forward-thinking puns you hand me, you will never convince me to take your filthy water bottles. 

1 onion (medium finely diced) 2 cloves garlic (large chopped) ¾ cup dry white wine 6 ferrets she lost in the apartment 3 pubes left on the toilet seat 1 lost safety deposit after she tripped down the stairs and banged her head into the wall and then denied it even though I took a video and sent her the video and sent the landlord the video ½ pound ground beef

 4:31am: Wrote in Pete Buttigieg for every position. He’s bound to get one of them.

After first setting eyes on Amy Gutmann, any Penn student will ask themselves the same question -- how the fuck does her skin look so fucking soft and she’s literally 70 fucking years old?! The answer might surprise you.

We just haven’t decided yet. There are pros and cons to providing affordable housing, but mostly cons :( We also have no idea where we would make up the $2 million deficit in our $3.7 billion annual budget.

In retrospect, it was obvious from the name that something bad was bound to happen.

Michael then proceeded to tell the same aggressively mundane story to every other club member after coming to the false conclusion that he’d struck an anecdotal gold mine.

"By making students feel better without their knowledge, we eliminate the middleman of ‘therapy’, and our job is done."

The comment said, “Photo credits to me." Naturally, the person who wrote this comment and your crush have been engaging in decadent sexual entanglements.

According to the long-forgotten policy, any student has the option to challenge their professor to a duel to dispute an exam grade. Amazingly, students are even able to rent out pistols for the duel from Van Pelt. 

One time, I saw a baby with an iPad. I cried and threw up for three days.

This rebellion was a long instigated effort by both Panhellenic and University students to put an end to these horrible, white-girl anthem monstrosities.

After entering Spirit Halloween, Gutmann was quoted as asking store manager Joseph Kelly for the most appropriate traditional Lederhosen attire that would make her look “professional and honorable, but with an ass that just don’t quit."

How to make dirty money FAST. 

Pass/Pass has always been the Wharton way of life 

What? She doesn't like it when you ignore her? Oh, poor girl :( BOO HOO :(

We expect the male population to fully die off within the next few months. From there, we will procreate with each other using IVF.

When you get to the checkout line, you really only have to pay for one out of every ten or eleven items you plan on leaving with.