News
Report: I Still Could Have Gotten Into Penn Even If I Wasn’t Legacy
A new report from my chauffeur explains I am very smart, and even if my parents didn’t go here 30 years ago, I still could have still gotten into the University of Pennsylvania.
SPONSORED: Class Board 2026 Offering Free Professional Backshots in ARB This Saturday
Missed out last weekend? Need a quick study break? Head on out back to the Academic Research Building!
Report: I Still Could Have Gotten Into Penn Even If I Wasn’t Legacy
A new report from my chauffeur explains I am very smart, and even if my parents didn’t go here 30 years ago, I still could have still gotten into the University of Pennsylvania.
Marc Rowan Lifts Baby Bird From Ground in His Hand, Crushes It
Marc Rowan's Awesome Day
Finally! Penn To Limit Study Abroad Students to Only One Private Story Post Per Day
We get it, you went to KitKatClub last night. Whatever. You can literally do that in Philadelphia too. It’s called TLO.
You’re Kidding Me! Junior Didn’t Get a Summer Job by Guilting a CEO He Found on MyPenn.
"Eh, I figured I’d talk to them for like an hour and see if I got a job."
Wharton Wellness to Enforce Chinese Water Torture for Students Caught Not Taking Advantage of Professional Wellness Circles
When Wharton Wellness’ paramilitary wing showed up to Gregory College House with a warrant, I knew that my luck had run out.
“Oi Mate, I’m Also From Manchester” Says Freshman Rushing Castle From Cleveland
When questioned for comment, the brothers only had good things to report about the now-international Trillo. “It’s just nice to be with some of your own,” responded a Castle brother from the Philadelphia Main Line.
Hope Is Not Yet Lost: My Professor Tells Me I Definitely Haven’t Found My Genius Yet
It’s not in Philadelphia that I will write my magnum opus or cure my own common cold, but in a place unknown to man.
Food For Thought: Huntsman Kinda Looks like The Panopticon
From the GSRs, the Wharton students who book them can see every non-Wharton student, but these second-class citizens will never know whether or not they are being watched.
I Lived It: My Wilcaf Barista Wasn’t GAY Enough to Be Making My Drink
Whatever happened to DEI?
Classic! Delusional Dumb Friend Makes Eye Contact With Crush, Now It's Everyones Problem
“OMG bitch, he’s so into you!” I reply.
Collapsing The Binary: HipCityVeg to Offer Vegan Escargot
Eat a burger, you sick fuck.
GBM GONE WRONG: Club President Dropping Bag of SHS Condoms on Table, “No One Leaves Until These Are Finished!”
Clearly, this is a call to action. The entire club turned and looked at one another. We knew what must happen.
Fuck Yes! Teresa Caputo Appointed Chair of Penn Religious Studies
We return to fantasy not to forget, but to remember: other futures are possible.
Phi Delt Farm, Hall Vineyard, APES Iceland, ZBT The Moon: WHEN WILL IT END?
Please stop this madness.
Bless Up! After Googling a Word I Realized That I Did, in Fact, Use It Correctly
Malaise is the Pantone color of the year. Use that in a sentence today.
Wake Up, SHEEP: Why Do None of You Bitches Know What a Persimmon Is?
"Persnimmon?” What the fuck?
Stupid Lady: '82 Alumna Recollects Boring Memories of Her Youth At the Peak of Our Biopond Synesthesia
She was colors and light. She was clouds and trees. She was the water my mother drank while we were in her womb. We are twins, could you have guessed?
