Penn Researchers Confirm Lonely Stoners Seem to Free Their Minds at Night
While the test subjects are smoking both day and night, it seems that their minds are especially free at night.
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Louie Louie Booked Entirely by Freshman NSO Couples Celebrating Six Months
If she doesn’t offer to split the bill, I might just cry.
Penn Researchers Confirm Lonely Stoners Seem to Free Their Minds at Night
While the test subjects are smoking both day and night, it seems that their minds are especially free at night.
It’s Okay Bob, My Archeological Dig Last Summer Couldn’t Find Anything Either
I flew down with a team to the tip of South America to uncover the mysteries of the Argentinosaurs. I was so excited and thought everyone would hail me as a hero for making the discovery that put the whole puzzle together.
Louie Louie Booked Entirely by Freshman NSO Couples Celebrating Six Months
If she doesn’t offer to split the bill, I might just cry.
Mother Mary! St. Francis of Assisi Looks Confused at Friars Smoker
I was shocked. Back in my day, you had to be tapped by God himself. There were no women, and there was definitely no alcohol. I always thought those rules were dated, even back in the 13th century, to be perfectly honest.
Pledge Given Sock by Senior Brother, Is Finally Free
Universally known to be a “gigantic fuck-up,” giving a pledge a sock calls for his immediate induction into the brotherhood per the bylaws of the Interfraternity Council.
Reminder: Advance Registration Closed Last Night
Students who did not register may alternatively enroll in CIS 675, PHYS 982, or PHIL 10010043, which are all still open.
Meet Devin: My Baby Quaker Who Got a Contact High and Ate All of My Salami
I’ll keep this short. This Devin Wasserman kid is a little punk.
Breaking: Freshman Boy Lost Virginity over Break to “a Girl from Home”
She was so flexible when we did sex! I was able to see into her whole belly button. Fellas, us non-virgins here know how hot that is.
Frat Boy’s Facebook Party Description Awarded the BRO-Litzer Prize for Literature
The events are carefully reviewed by a committee of esteemed writers who judge the pieces on a myriad of qualifications.
Guy Who Listened to Classical Music While Studying Fails Exam with Smile and Peace of Mind
Sitting down in a seat was an ordeal in itself; Brewer was practically top-heavy thanks to his enormous brain.
Frontera Is Closing, and of Course It Will Take Months
Frontera takes a month to make a sandwich, so really, all things considered, it's pretty impressive that they might be able to close entirely within just a few months. The scariest part about Frontera closing is that it's possible that they'll close before finishing someone's meal.
Wawa to Start Charging for Water, Entire Freshman Class Dies of Thirst
“It’s tragic, but all of the medical professionals agree – this class is just far too thirsty to survive, and this Wawa incident has proved that once and for all.”
How Does She Do It? Meet the Girl Who Fit a Laptop and Three Beverages on a Penn Desk
That’s right, folks. Lindsey can fit her Nalgene, large coffee, and cold pressed grapefruit juice all on the same desk.
Innovative! This Girl Uses Google Calendar to Manage Her Dick Appointments
By optimizing my dick appointments, I not only have an incredible amount of sex but also have enough time to call dad at seven.
Student with 6 Hour Layover Ready to Kill His Poly Sci Midterm After CNN Binge
UTB did the math and plugged the amount of subtitles that Chiren read into our proprietary algorithm. We determined it was exactly equivalent to the 350 pages of reading that he was supposed to do instead.
Uh-Oh: Kyle Just Started a Sentence with "I'm Not Racist, But..."
Up flies Kyle’s hand. Uh-oh. He’s exactly who his name suggests he is.
Penn Records Achieves Largest Stamp Collection, Most Balls Juggled
The nation’s only collegiate organization focused only on setting world records.
"I Shit Scum like You," Says Penn Cop to Visiting High Schooler
During his visit to campus, Tucker O'Connell stole a mango Naked juice from Gourmet Grocer.
DOJ to Investigate Admission of Swim Team Athlete Wearing Floaties
After indicting former Penn Basketball coach Jerome Allen for accepting bribes to recruit a student, the Department of Justice set their sights on another case, this one involving Tate Dentworth (W '20), the only member of the men’s swim team who wears flotation devices when competing.
Don’t Feel Bad! Robert Mueller Needs an Extension on His Report Too
Mueller has taken since 2017 to write his report. People have set due dates for it time and time again since then, but has it been released? No. Take your time, girl. Honestly, who’s to say Mueller hasn’t been watching reruns of Friends, too?
