Letter From the Editor: I’m a Vibe? What Do You Mean Angel
My clout got too high! That happens sometimes. Hoes mad!
Opinion
Penn Club Initiatives: Have They Gotten Out of Hand?
I believe that no student should have to take Econ 001 or Econ 002 at Penn.
Letter From the Editor: I’m a Vibe? What Do You Mean Angel
My clout got too high! That happens sometimes. Hoes mad!
OP-ED: Suck Me Dry See If I Care
Remember, you naked agent of everything. The world didn’t corrupt you; you corrupted the world. And now you are crying? You absolute angel.
Penn Club Initiatives: Have They Gotten Out of Hand?
I believe that no student should have to take Econ 001 or Econ 002 at Penn.
World Record: I’ve Accumulated 137 Green 2 Go Boxes in My Room
Anything green is sustainable, right????
OP-ED: The Grab and Go Policy Should Be Extended to Fracket Piles
Tonight, like a phoenix from the ashes, you will steal that Aritizia Superpuff that was so delicately, so playfully tossed across the Natty Light puddle beneath your feet. It’s fate.
OP-ED: Don’t You Think Homosexuals Are Just Narcissistic?
Hear me out. It's what they would want: voices being heard.
If Professor Old, Then Why Sexy?
Only a professor’s combination of graying hair, softly wrinkled skin, and comments that make you say, “Wait, is he a Republican?” could so perfectly satisfy both my sapiosexuality and my Oedipus complex.
Take the Stairs, Man! I am a Werewolf Who Needs to Make it to Rooftop Lounge Quickly so That I Can Stare Longingly at the Moon
OMG protip: can you,,,, like take the staiws if u live on floor 5 or below??? Pl0x???// *tail swishing* roflcopter!!!!!!
I’m in Charge Now, Suckers: Welcome to Pritchett World
Who am I, you ask? WHO AM I? I’m Wendell goddamn Pritchett! What do you mean, you’ve never heard of me? Shut up! SHUT! UP!!! God DAMN IT!
Write What You Know: Here are 80 Pages on My Own Staggering Genius
Looking back at the headline of this article, which I pitched but a few paltry days ago, I can only conclude that it was birthed from a fit of narcissistic megalomania, potentially while I was under the influence of the good ol’ rotgut, no less.
Style Tip: Make Your Outfit Sluttier by Only Wearing One Mask to Class
Let’s address the university’s new double mask mandate for what it is: a blatantly misogynistic attack on the rights of sexy girls everywhere to show some skin and release some particles.
OP-ED: Hear Me Out, Some Classes Need to Be Virtual
Some say that being in-person is vital for actually learning, but not enough studies have been done on the effect of in-person learning on my mental health.
OP-ED: They Should Replace the Quad With 1,500 Individual Tiny Homes
This is the new Freshman experience.
Breaking the Penn Face: Yeah I Wanna Punch You
Because if I'm not happy, nobody should be.
OP-ED: Thanksgiving Is for Family, Which Is Why It’s the One Day They’re Allowed Out of the Basement
During the year, I feed Mom, Dad, Susie, Aunt Margaret, cousins Bobby, Johnny and Lily, and Grandpa Marty through IV bags, but on Thanksgiving, I allow them to eat with their mouths!
Oh You Can’t Name Five Brothers? Take a Lap
Yeah, I’m sorry man, I can’t let all of you guys in unless you know other brothers in the house. I don’t make the rules! Well…actually…I kind of do.
OP-ED: All Lectures Should Be Asynchronous and Our Eyes Should Be Replaced with Cybernetic Implants
Do we want to be left in the dust when the colossal machine that is globalization sweeps by? Or do we want to gouge out our eyeballs, excavate all of the vitreous humor, and insert spherical seeing devices designed by our top scientists and engineers into the gaps?
OP-ED: Let’s Not Cancel Mansplaining Because I Actually Don’t Understand Anything
No, I don’t understand what the fuck a supply shortage is and why it is causing the Starbucks on 40th and Walnut to be out of stock of the breakfast sandwich I eat every single day.
A Trip Into Psychedelic Medicine: I Took Ketamine at a Party
No, Mom and Dad, this is not some irresponsible decision or “proof that I need to get my shit together.” This is ketamine, and now researchers say that it has the potential to help heal from trauma or treat mental illness or something, I don’t really know.
Meet the Penn Students Who Ghostwrite All of My Articles
We’re the Penn students who ghostwrite all of Ian’s articles Yeah Yeah Hehe It’s not easy work but he pays us in exposure Speak for yourself muchacho Hehe Guys! Shut up! For Pete’s sake! Let her speak!
