OP-ED: I’m Saving Divorce Until Marriage
Compromising my integrity just to get a thrill is deadening, and I refuse to partake any longer. I’m saving divorce until marriage. Deal with it.
Opinion
OP-ED: Gritty Didn’t Punch That Kid, but He Should Have
Maybe it's the Philadelphia talking, but I, for one, say that Gritty should have punched that kid.
OP-ED: I’m Saving Divorce Until Marriage
Compromising my integrity just to get a thrill is deadening, and I refuse to partake any longer. I’m saving divorce until marriage. Deal with it.
Life Hack! Stay Alert by Micro-Dosing Masturbation
Feeling tired throughout the day? Hitting that 3 p.m. slump? Feel like there’s no way to regain the vigor of your youth? Well, I’m happy to say that my team and I have found a new life-hack to keep you pumped up and ready to blow at all times.
OP-ED: Gritty Didn’t Punch That Kid, but He Should Have
Maybe it's the Philadelphia talking, but I, for one, say that Gritty should have punched that kid.
OP-ED: Thank Writing Seminar, I Are Better Write
(Given): But 5 AP Literature and Lang bad. No count. Also newspaper bad. They no real writing. Grate Gatsby and Belovd not real english. They no have see true writes before. How Dog Thonks real literacher.
OP-ED: Thanks Handshake, How’d You Know I’m Dying to Be an Ice Sculptor?
So when I logged in and saw that Handshake was proposing Ice Sculptor as a potential career path for me, I knew I had to hear my best friend out.
Please Do Not Contact Me. I Am Taking a Long, Sensual Bath in the Kelly Writers House Bathroom.
I won’t be checking my texts — I’ve gone off the grid.
OP-ED: The Penn Community Has an Obligation to Steal Everything from Fro Gro Before It Closes
Everyone who has gone to Fro Gro knows that it is more difficult to pay for items than it is to steal them. In this vein, paying for items is both an excessive display of wealth and a gratuitous means of holding up the self-checkout line.
OP-ED: You'll Be Sorry
Oh, are you sad? Are you gonna cry? Are you gonna fucking cry like a wittle baby? Oh, that’s just classic. "But I love you, FroGro," you'll say through tears. Really? Then where were you when I needed you?
Penn Culture Gone Too Far? This Environmental Club Calls Itself a Frat
Ep Eta has two choices: it can either rebrand itself as simply an environmental club or fully embrace what it means to be a fraternity and make all its members eat bullfrogs.
OP-ED: Penn Should Pay PILOTS Because Aviators Matter Too
Penn should pay PILOTS because aviators matter too, and I'm sick and tired of airplane PILOTS not being given the compensation they so clearly deserve.
A Definitive Ranking of Toilet Water Across Penn’s Campus
Here are the top three toilets to sip from across campus.
Punny, Penn-y Valentines Day Cards: Part VIII
In case that last bunch didn't do it for ya (didn't I do it for you?).
Alone on Valentine’s Day? Here Are Five Things to Do Instead of Going on a Romantic Date With the Love of Your Life
Regardless of whether this is your 1st lonely Valentine’s Day or your 78th, the UTB Staff is here to provide you with some quality suggestions of what to do when you’re spending Valentine’s Day alone.
Buying a Vibrator Won’t Solve All Your Problems (Unless It’s Clit-Sucking)
I’ll admit it — I didn’t buy a vibrator that day in the sex shop, I bought a way of life.
OP-ED: My Girlfriend Broke up With Me, Does Anyone Want to Buy the Lingerie I Got Her for Valentine's Day?
Selling for $20. What a steal, right! Right? Please tell me this is right. Please. Someone hold me. It's so hard sleeping alone.
Sorry Professor! Nancy Pelosi Tore up My Homework
I know this is my fifth late essay of the semester, but I wanted to explain myself.
Stinky Pig Girl (Me) Loves to Eat From Trough
I'm a stinky little pig girl who drank too much, and now I need some one to fill my trough up to its brim.
OP-ED: Wouldn’t It Have Really Sucked If Jeffrey Epstein Graduated From Penn?
But, in the broad scheme of things, Penn has had some seriously questionable alumni. Case in point, the 46th President of the United States of America: Donald Trump.
OP-ED: Hey Does Anyone Have A Cigarette?
Wait... does anyone have a cigarette? No pressure, just thirsty.
To My Roommate Who Keeps Making Milkshakes at 3 A.M.
You have a class at nine a.m., don’t you? Fuck you. Go to sleep. Unlike you, I still care, and I can't stand the sight of you like this.
