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Opinion


OP-ED: Choosing Your Child's Major is a Personal Decision—There's No Need to Rush

College is a time full of endless possibilities. It’s very understandable if you’re feeling a little overwhelmed with all of the choices your child must navigate. 


5 Supplemental Vitamins That Say 'I Am Slowly Deteriorating'

Here at Penn we live in more of a petri dish than a melting pot, and so as you slowly fall apart this October and November, check out these 5 supplemental vitamins whose sole function is to keep you operating at a basic human level. 


The Ten Best Erasers For When You Realize Your Whole Exam Is Wrong Five Minutes Before It’s Over

If you write very lightly, you’ll be able to smoothly erase your entire exam with just this little thing in under 15 minutes.


Smart! Put Completed Tasks on To-Do Lists So You Finally Have Something to Cross Off

Looking for the hit of dopamine that comes with the strikethrough of a daunting assignment without doing any additional work? 


OP-ED: I'll Eat Mold If It Gets Me a Room at the Inn At Penn

When I applied to Penn, I made sure to put the Quad as my top housing priority.




Climate Change is Going to Kill Us All in 15 Years—Who's Tryna Fuck?

The UN says climate genocide is upon us—who here is tryna fuck?


OP-ED: Please Read This. My Dad Thinks It's Cool When My Posts Are Popular.

If the post is popular, there’s a good shot my dad will text me about it. He might even say something encouraging like “Nice job!” or “Cool.” 


OP-ED: I Met Your Parents This Weekend, And Now I Know Why You Suck So Much

Listen, don’t take it personally, but I met your parents this weekend, and now it’s extremely clear to me why and how you suck so much. It’s as if I saw the embodiment of anything and everything that’s wrong with you, except heightened.


How to See a Future with Him Even Though He Leaves His Wet Clothes in the Washer Overnight

His dorm manners are definitely not husband material, but here’s how to see a future with him even though his clothes have probably been sitting in the washer overnight. 


6 Ways To Cope When Your Mom Destroys You At Beer Pong

Family weekend is a time wherein students can share their noble yet humbling Penn experience with their closest of relatives. Lucky for you, those relatives went back to their hotels at 7:30… or so you thought.


OP-ED: I Ain't Gay, But Watch Me Kill This Wawa Hoagie in One Bite

Hey guys, watch this! I'm gonna murder this Wawa hoagie in one bite. No homo, though.


OP-ED: The Weather Kind of Sucks No Matter What It Does, Right?

It’s cold out!!! But then again, it was kind of hot a couple days ago, and that was kind of annoying too.


OP-ED: No, I Definitely Didn't Memorize This Restaurant's Menu, And I Haven’t Practiced Saying My Order Out Loud

Friend, thanks so much for reaching out to schedule our monthly catch-up dinner for tonight. I have a crippling fear of social interaction and pass the days convincing myself that my friends all hate me, so this was a lovely surprise!


OP-ED: Is He Flirting With You or Giving You a Look Because You Can't Stop Coughing?

It’s hard to tell though if a potential boyfriend is flirting with you or just giving you a look while you’re in the middle of a cough attack in Fisher Fine Arts. Here are some tips to figure it out once and for all. 


OP-ED: Hi, I'm in Penn Dems and if You Don't Register to Vote I Will Literally Kidnap Your Grandma

Hi! I'm a member of Penn Dems. Have you registered to vote? No? Oh, no worries, haha. It just happens to be the most important thing that you could ever possibly imagine doing. No biggie though!


OP-ED: Fuck the Police, but If Your Party Gets Too Loud, I’m Calling the Cops

I may be powerless to stop you from blasting EDM at 2 a.m., but we have a public army of guards who will make sure that no innocent civilian is ever subjected to your Diplo remix of a song way more popular than the original.


OP-ED: Sure, My PNC Bank Online Statement Is Ready for Me, But Am I Ready for It?

What a lovely morning I was having. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and I only had two stress dreams the night before.


4 Ways to Fashion Deli Meat Into Underwear After Forgetting to Do Your Laundry

Are you fresh out of underwear? Don't fear, we've got this one. We've cut down our deluge of delicatessen directions to our top four methods for crafting underwear out of deli meats.


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