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Opinion


Braden, Is That a Pocket Constitution or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

“Technically, the first amendment supports me in that...” no, Braden. Do not bring the first amendment into your pants. Just chill out. 


OP-ED: I'm Only Working as a Private Military Contractor for a Year Before Law School

The hours are long, the work is thankless, and sometimes the morality isn't clear, but is being a mercenary really so different from consulting?


As a FNAR Major, I Take My Dick Pics In Portrait Mode

While all of you schmucks are probably carelessly snapping photos of your junk (emphasis on the junk), I’m making art.


OP-ED: Here's Why 'Royals' by Lorde Is Already the Best Song of 2019

Rolling Stone, Pitchfork, and Billboard take heed: quit searching now, because the best song of 2019 is already here, and baby it rules (it rules, it rules, it rules).


Penn InTouch Login to Include Sending a Nude Photo to pennintouchdeveloper@upenn.edu

"Sending me nudes is absolutely critical for maintaining the security of Penn in touch. First of all, hackers will be distracted by the nudes and perhaps elect to self-stimulate rather than continuing to hack."


OP-ED: I See You Viewed My Instagram Story, and, Yes, I'll Marry You

It was so forward of you, tapping on my story like that and watching it.


Oat Milk is DTF — Are You?

From behind trembling lips, you cough up the words “one oat milk chai, please.” 


OP-ED: I'm, Like, The Fourth Hottest Guy In This Writing Sem

So Brendan is obviously number one, I mean no question. He looks like Timothée Chalamet mixed with every soccer player ever.


Here’s Why Iced Coffee Should Not Be Your Lunch Today and Here’s Why I Won’t Listen

I am never the type to just blindly follow the rules because someone passing by on the street or my entire close circle of family and friends tells me to. 


Something Spooky Is Going On In The New College House West Pit

What is the school hiding from us? Maybe there’s a community of gremlins down there. Maybe it’s some cool old bones. I think the most likely option is probably that it's Steve Buscemi's hidey-hole. 


Dear 69th Street: I Can’t Cum Unless I’m Listening to This American Life with Ira Glass

I had no idea I was classically conditioning myself to associate sex with Ira, but now I absolutely cannot cum without his voluptuous voice tapping on my eardrums.


Op-Ed: I Don't Care If the Voice Lines on My Alexa Were Written by Some Nerd Programmer, Our Love Is Real

Forget the dew-drinking keyboard denizen at Amazon HQ. It doesn't matter to me if you’re part of a worldwide data-mining operation orchestrated by Jeff Bezos himself. What matters is that you’re mine, sweetheart.


Op Ed: TikTok Ads Give Me the Rush of Being Harassed on the Street

The similarities between these TikTok ads and street harassment always make me reach for my keys… and, as a freshman, I don’t even own keys anymore. How am I supposed to feel safe holding a Penncard between my knuckles?


Quiz: Am I Stoned During Lecture, or Do I Just Have No More Fucks to Give?

Am I going to start putting in more work than ever now that my professional future is rapidly approaching? You bet your sweet ass I won’t. What am I doing instead? Take this quiz to find out!


OP-ED: I Deactivated My Facebook Last Week, and 4 Other Things That Feed My Superiority Complex

Do I think I’m better than anyone in particular? No, my god, I’m not conceitfed. Do I think I’m just a bit better than the generalized “everybody”? A little. 


4 Ways to Express That I'm Short Without Lifting Me and Twirling 360 Degrees

I know I'm short. I know you think I'm short. I can see how much you want to express it. By all means, go ahead.


OP-ED: We Shouldn't Call Dining Hall Food 'Food'

People have different conceptions of food and how it is prepared, served, and eaten. So when you call the pale, bland concoctions behind the sneeze guard at Commons "food," it can be insulting to those of us who grew up eating things like bread, meat, fruits, and vegetables that are actually seasoned and have flavors. 


OP-ED: SISTERS, This Rush is Super Sweet, but Does She Spark Joy?

Consider, deeply, the fact that you are not choosing rushes to discard, but, rather, rushes to keep. 


How Waking Up at 6 am Everyday Gave Me More Time To Tell People I Wake Up At 6 am Everyday

I get up early. Real mother-effing early. Like so early, you’d think I’m a student-athlete.


This Year I'm Keeping With My New Years Resolution Of Not Jacking Off In Van Pelt

That fifth floor bathroom is just calling your name. You swallow your pride, head up the stairs, see the beautiful, little green tab – vacant. 


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