Opinion
OP-ED: No, No, No, I’m Not Eating Alone, Just Waiting For My Friend, Haha
Yeah, I’m eating here alone at Hill, but I’m just waiting for my friend to show up. He should be here any minute. Didn’t plan on eating alone like some kind of sad-sack loser.
Editorial: We Are Still in a Pandemic
The thing we have come to know as something as big as life – covid, coveed, the rona, the Kung Flu, Wuhan Virus, however you want to call it – is still there. And guess what? It will never go away
OP-ED: I’m Not Being Hazed I Just Have a Bad Sense of Style
Can we normalize dressing badly? It's not just a hazing thing. For some of us, it's a lifestyle.
OP-ED: I Wish I Could Come To Your Show but I Can't Because It Sounds Awful
I love the idea of watching 23 soon-to-be consultants pretend to be instruments.
Celebrate? Nobody in My 8:30 Math Recitation Knows Today Is My Birthday
Are there any other pisces in the room?
Self-Help: Help Yourself to Another Brownie :)
ohh, did that one have fudge inside??? :) :) :) Hell YEAH! :) :) :) :) :)
OP-ED: I'll Do a Line, and Then You Strangle Me, Okay?
How many times do I have to explain this? It’s really not that hard of a concept to grasp.
Letter From the Editor: I’m a Vibe? What Do You Mean Angel
My clout got too high! That happens sometimes. Hoes mad!
OP-ED: Suck Me Dry See If I Care
Remember, you naked agent of everything. The world didn’t corrupt you; you corrupted the world. And now you are crying? You absolute angel.
Penn Club Initiatives: Have They Gotten Out of Hand?
I believe that no student should have to take Econ 001 or Econ 002 at Penn.
Quitting Nicotine Is So Easy! I’ve Already Done It Like 6 Times
Vaping is bad for you.
World Record: I’ve Accumulated 137 Green 2 Go Boxes in My Room
Anything green is sustainable, right????
OP-ED: The Grab and Go Policy Should Be Extended to Fracket Piles
Tonight, like a phoenix from the ashes, you will steal that Aritizia Superpuff that was so delicately, so playfully tossed across the Natty Light puddle beneath your feet. It’s fate.
OP-ED: Don’t You Think Homosexuals Are Just Narcissistic?
Hear me out. It's what they would want: voices being heard.
If Professor Old, Then Why Sexy?
Only a professor’s combination of graying hair, softly wrinkled skin, and comments that make you say, “Wait, is he a Republican?” could so perfectly satisfy both my sapiosexuality and my Oedipus complex.
Take the Stairs, Man! I am a Werewolf Who Needs to Make it to Rooftop Lounge Quickly so That I Can Stare Longingly at the Moon
OMG protip: can you,,,, like take the staiws if u live on floor 5 or below??? Pl0x???// *tail swishing* roflcopter!!!!!!
I’m in Charge Now, Suckers: Welcome to Pritchett World
Who am I, you ask? WHO AM I? I’m Wendell goddamn Pritchett! What do you mean, you’ve never heard of me? Shut up! SHUT! UP!!! God DAMN IT!
Write What You Know: Here are 80 Pages on My Own Staggering Genius
Looking back at the headline of this article, which I pitched but a few paltry days ago, I can only conclude that it was birthed from a fit of narcissistic megalomania, potentially while I was under the influence of the good ol’ rotgut, no less.
Style Tip: Make Your Outfit Sluttier by Only Wearing One Mask to Class
Let’s address the university’s new double mask mandate for what it is: a blatantly misogynistic attack on the rights of sexy girls everywhere to show some skin and release some particles.
