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Opinion


Um, I'm Confused: What's So Funny About 69ing?

The jokes are a simple acknowledgment of the number, simply followed by the word, “Nice.” 


Mike Pence's Head Fly, Will You Go to Prom With Me?

I know that that you're way out of my league, given that you're an international sensation now, but Mike Pence's Head Fly, WILL YOU GO TO PROM WITH ME? 


Hey, You Pathological Liar: Here Are Three (Fake) Fun Facts to Tell About Yourself During Icebreakers

The girl next to you tells everyone she’s “outdoorsy.” You call BS. Settle for these more realistic lies that will surely rock everyone’s socks!


Why Runescape Is Better Than Sex

Don’t think of yourself as an incel watching Zoom lectures, think of yourself as a monk dedicating your life to the one true cause—  Runescape. 


PSA: Please Wear Your Mask Under Your Nose, Thanks

Come one guys, it's not that hard to figure out! All you have to do is pull the elastic straps over your ears and cover your mouth. That's it! What's all this covering your nose bullshit? 


The Patriot in Me: Selling Nudes to Fund My Biden Contribution

I needed a handle that would be catchy, a little political, but not too edgy. In honor of our recently deceased Supreme Court justice, I decided to go with @theNotoriousV.A.G. 


Hot Professor Has Suspiciously High Webcam Quality

Of course, maybe the first sign should have been when she dropped her onlyfans link in the chat on the first day of class offering extra credit for subscribing.


Tips for Perfect Mental Health: Don't Go to Therapy

Therapy is a capitalist cash-grab scheme, and we’re tired of big Psych compelling our readers to waste their money.


Regressing to My High School Self: How 6 Months at Home Reintroduced Me to Fanfiction

I write some of my own poetry and short stories and, of course, I'm reading high literary art including the likes of Joyce, Faulkner, and Marlowe, but sometimes after a long day of scholarly pursuits, I find myself indulging in my high school guilty pleasure: fan-fiction. 


A Double Negative Makes a Positive: How Math 170 Diagnosed Me With Coronavirus

I...II... - two negative tests. I counted again with tally marks to make sure. |...||... - two negative tests. I had coronavirus.


How My Breakout Room Became a Circle Jerk

Perhaps it was because I skipped my daily ritual in the shower this morning. Or maybe it was the big bowl of green M&M's that I was snacking on. Because there was only one thing on my mind: do I really want to jerk off with a bunch of strangers? Yes, yes, I do. 


If Your Tumultuous Relationship (?) With Jeff From Writing Sem Was a Rupi Kaur Poem

you can explain  trickle-down  economics  but how do you explain  these tears  trickling down my face -  :'(


OP-ED: Daily COVID Testing Is the Only Love I Need

I realized that the only time that I had more than a one-word conversation with someone was at the COVID testing site. Ditching the twice testing recommendation, I take daily trips to Houston Hall for the attention my mother never gave me.


OP-ED: Y'all Wanna Hotbox This Breakout Room?

So, we’re lighting up right? Come on, there's no way the professor checks in on us. We’re freakin’ breakout room six, man! No holds barred!


Welcome to My Island! A Photo Tour of the 1 Mile Radius Around My House.

Based on my high-tech Fitbit, I can guarantee that I've spent 99.5% of my time within a one-mile radius of my house. Having spent so much time here the past few months, I thought it was fitting to give you a tour of my special little island filled with highlights from my town.


OP-ED: Replace the Terms 'Synchronous' and 'Asynchronous' With 'Fuck' and 'Fuck Me in the Ass', Respectively

It’s time to wake up, smell the roses, and call it as we see it. “Synchronous” and “Asynchronous” must be replaced with “Fuck” and “Fuck Me In The Ass.”


Looking Back on 2020: Cats Was an Omen

I began wondering, why are people surprised by the events of 2020? Like Cats was basically the introduction. And no one said anything?


OP-ED: Sorry I’m Late I Couldn’t Find the Zoom Link

Hey I’m so sorry can you resend me the zoom link for today? Ugh, I know, I don’t know why I keep losing it. 


Stop Complaining! Online School Means My Mom Packs My Lunch

My mom's lunch ensures that I will get at least two fruits and veggies, a sandwich (PB&J with the crusts cut off), a glass of milk, and two Oreos. With a wide variety of fruits and veggies including carrot sticks, celery sticks, apple slices, pear slices, peach slices, and strawberries, I'm consistently and dare I say eagerly left guessing what's for lunch.


Woke! Penn Students Engage in Mutual Aid by Finally Venmoing Me Back for Brunch

Penn students are coming to terms with what they owe to those around them. Finally taking decisive action, my fellow students have begun redistributing funds back into my Venmo to cover the cost of brunch from last spring. 


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