Opinion
Op-Ed: I Write for UTB, Now Give Me Twitter Clout
Yeah, I’ve been told I should do standup comedy, but tweeting nonsequiturs on the internet under the moniker “jasonson” is so much more fun, and the likes give me instant gratification.
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Op-Ed: Why Gentrification Is Okay When I Do It
I think it's fine, so it is.
How to Convey That You Are Divorced, Remarried, Both With Children of Your Own, and Sometimes Still See Your Ex on the Side All Through Windshield Stick Figure Stickers
The public seems to be very excited about this new mode of intimate oversharing.
UTB's Guide for Surviving Movie Sex Scenes With Dad
Excited for quality time with Papa, you pick a new release film you haven't seen before—and just like that, you seal your fate. You are about to watch porn with Dad.
Celebrate Dad by Recreating That BBQ Shown During the Side Effects of Every Medication Ad
There's still time to string together the one thing that Dad has been hoping for: that idealized fantasy picnic shown during the side effects of every medication ad.
Op-Ed: 20 Years Old Is Not Too Old for Father’s Day Breakfast in Bed
I know you wanted to go all out for Father's Day, but sometimes you're lazy, broke, or both. What to do? Time to whip out an old reliable: Breakfast in Bed.
John I Can’t Turn off the Speech to Text Feature What I Can’t Turn off the Speech to Text Feature That’s Weird Stop off Stop It Fuck Siri off This Piece of Junk Is Broken
this is so ducking annoying why won’t it say duck duck duck fuck got it
How to Not Set Yourself on Fire When Someone Bumps Message on Slack
Drop all your activities. Read The Bible. Download Tinder. Marry Sarwar Shah from the 40th St Halal Truck. Busy yourself with domestic work.
“You Don’t Understand Me!” and Other Zingers for a Constructive Disagreement With Your Parents
"I hate you!" is the perfect phrase to yell at your parents as you beg them to love you and give you everything you ask for.
‘Skabort!’ and Other Onomatopoeia to Spice up Your Sex Life
We promise "Skabort" will be a crowd favorite at your next orgy.
OP-ED: I'm Hungies
YES! Let’s just smoke a cigarette. Delish! Nothing tastes better than that.
If Nothing Matters, Then Why Am I So Important?
Even the Halal guy tells me that I am important.
Why I Refuse to See Other Women as Competition Unless They Are the Same Race As Me
I’m all against competitions unless it’s coming down between me and another Chinese skank. In that case, there is absolutely a competition and I’m winning.
It’s Time Someone Colonized This Little Brown Girl
Good dick is good dick.
OP-ED: Penn Students, Eat More Poke Bowls
Hundreds if not thousands of students pass through Penn without once experiencing the wonder that is the poke bowl at Bento. No wonder people are so glum here.
Call for Action: Make Babies Second Class Citizens
I’m prepared to weather whatever resistance I am met with by mothers, fathers, and every other fucker under a baby’s conspiratorial spell.
Op-Ed: Stop Bringing Your Kids to Clark Park, I Need to Smoke
Bring justice to us future lung cancer patients.
Becky Weisberg and Mikayla Golub | Penn must divest from Penn
We cannot even imagine the depth and breadth of Penn's sphere of influence. There's the saying "money makes the world go 'round," but I think the more apt expression is: "money makes the world burn, especially if it's Penn's money."