Since I started riding my futuristic platform of gliding excellence, I haven't even come close to self-identifying as a failure. I self-identify as one of Nikola Tesla’s chosen few. 

The process for finding someone to rent your room is toxic and competitive. So, this year, instead of feeding into the system, I’m giving up my search to find a subletter.

If you find yourself stressed out and in need of help from your peers, you should probably just do what I do. Run away from your problems and blame it all on your astrological sign. Classic Pisces. 

It doesn’t take a genius to realize that having the Jo Bros perform at Fling would significantly increase the overall happiness of the undergraduate student body. It’s obvious that serotonin levels rise exponentially when looking into Nick’s beautiful curls or Joe’s dreamy eyes.

I am not going to remember your name. There are about 36,000 people running for the UA (sidebar – I don’t even know what that is) and another 4 billion running for internal secretary president of the College’s class board chair, and I cannot keep track.

Despite the interesting pattern on his shirt, on the inside he is a fairly basic guy.

I know that she’s probably got an entire family to support, but that family is living in my closet, eating my food, and taking advantage of my heating bill. I’ve been abused enough by this system.

While other religions or scientific paradigms are "legitimate" and have withstood the test of time, they are also patriarchal and may remind you of your childhood.

Is this Big Pharma using its massive Popeye arms to wrestle the country into shelling out more money?

It didn't have anything to do with the fact that I had a hard time finding an internship the summer before.

You definitely have friends. Good, close friends. You eat meals with them, you study with them, you watch movies with them, and you even drink with them — except on your birthday. 

I enjoy how batshit scared all of you are of the cold — of a crispy, red leaf gently falling onto your Barbour coat. 

My body is a “temple[sic] of the Holy Spirit” (1 Corinthians 6:19-20). It hurts to say it, but Ben’s penis won’t be defiling my temple anymore.

Oh wow, so Miguel is gonna be playing at Fling. That’s awesome..right? Is it good or not good?

I mean, these cojones? Inflamed? No way in hell, broseph.

You’ve been busy with exams and clubs the past week and haven’t seen him in six days. It’s entirely possible that he hasn’t had a sufficient meal in that span of time.

Do I have mumps ? What the hell, man, course not. 

 Wanna know the worst part? This creep only contacts me through email. 

Why are we encouraging these men to run for a position that they will never be able to do successfully?  

Ah, Locust Walk. The highway of University City. Traffic can be a nightmare, but luckily, you’re from the city that never sleeps. Here are some tips for making it to DRL in a breeze while never letting anyone near you forget your heritage.