Your jacket is taken from you by a bouncer, even though you do not have a real shirt on underneath. A: You grow a new jacket and (score!) it's made of cotton candy. B: You pretend you have a skin disease, and the bouncer begrudgingly returns your jacket to you.

"So cool I got tapped. Anyone know when Friar's emails go out though?"

Many students were surprised to learn that the mascot — a fictional, generic caricature of a Quaker man — and actual Penn founder Ben Franklin had any relationship in University lore, much less one with a sexual dimension. Most were unaware they existed in the same literary universe at all.

My parents pay my rent, and I see no indication that they will stop any time soon. They’re relieving a large financial burden on me, which allows me to fund my extremely expensive Ketamine habit. 

Politics, shmolitics. Beto has the vibe of the chill, hot, divorcee who skateboards when he’s not running a tech company in which everyone wears jeans. And his buttocks look damn good in those jeans.

Men only want one thing, and it’s disgusting. However, I too only want one thing.

Stress is known to cause breakouts, so many students have a veritable gold mine of pimples to pop.

Usually, your attitude toward life fluctuates here and there. Some days are good and hopefully fewer might be not so good. But, are you genuinely happy?

Although students were initially wary of this forced conversion to Satanism, the student body was surprisingly largely receptive to the policy decision.

Want to come party but don’t know Jeff or Matt? Better stretch at the pre-game and get ready to take a lap.

Furthermore, marijuana consumption is not linked to emotional outbursts, so suck my dick, Dad. You are literally the worst and I hate you. 

Are you telling me that not a single person made it to page 52 of my long-form satire from last week? 

“I was sitting on a bench for a while just watching this poor girl get rejected over and over again. It was so sad. She only had one copy left and was clearly desperately trying to get rid of it, so finally I just I decided I had to take it from her."

It’s such a relief to finally know our tuition dollars are being put to good use.

You must be a freshman because you clearly don’t know who my daddy is. Can you even tell me, idiot? Seriously, bro, you don’t even know?

I’m glad I took the rest of my day off to do some fun and lighthearted theoretical physics.

1.2 million dollars wasted in bribes — just think. We could have had another library.

It would appear that the very same parents who told their son, current College freshmen Sean Greene, that he should “never do drugs,” had, three years prior, maintained a stance that they would “never get divorced.”

A few weeks ago Gerbleman decided to join the Vegan’s Advocacy Group (V.A.G.), and she swears it was the best decision of her life.

Not only am I paying for writing sem — I also couldn't be paid Gutmnan's salary to complete my peer review by tonight.