Most Recent
Scenery Reveal! Look at That Building Where the McDonald's Used to Be
Check it out.
DP Survey Finds Houston Hall Still Nowhere Near as Wet as the Engineering Students They Polled
Some engineering students have spoken to Under the Button reporters directly to comment on their nymphomania. However, we could not understand them due to their poor social cues. It really is a mystery how they’re getting some.
Such Beautiful Weather: I Can Finally Gallop Shirtless Through the Quad Again Like the Stallion I Am
You try to speak. I silence you with a forceful yet caring neigh. You gaze into my eyes, stunned at my display of horsey power. I lean in and whisper into your ear the wise words of 90’s R&B icon Ginuwine: Ride this pony.
Incensed Local Homeowner Kelly Writer Kicks Depressed Wordsmiths Out of Her House
Dozens of lost souls roam the rainy campus in search of a warm, quiet place to consume pop culture and do vape tricks.
Penn Housing Selection Crashed as Local Militia Invades The Radian
After setting up headquarters in the lounge, the group proclaimed that they will be holding hostages until a “high rise 4BR with a pretty view” opens up.
CAPS Starts Therapy Group for Girls Who Rushed to Find “Strong Sisterhood”
The girls have already formed close bonds and decided to create their own pseudo-sorority, titled in the typical Greek fashion: “Yo Gabba Gabba”.
Photo Essay: Welcome to My World of Truly Delicious Foods
Buckle up and let's discover some great foods together...
OP-ED: I’m Going to Cabo for Spring Break in a Woke, Leftist Way
As Marx once said, “let the people darty.”
Stupid Bitch! My Sorority Big Is Just as Lost in Life as I Am!
Big-Little season brings hope for a prosperous future but it is all one great big lie and no one actually knows what’s going on.
What’s Wrong With Him?! This Man Posted Something on Sidechat That Isn’t Totally Miserable
Woah, slow down chief. Who does this guy think he is?!
Penn Listens: Penn Dining Adds “Natty Light” to the Meal Exchange Program
Through petitions and the amazing work of attentive student government officers making real change, Natural Light was brought to the shelves of Penn's finest dining establishments.
You Think You Can Jaywalk Across Spruce Street to Lower Quad Better Than I? Watch This.
My hands are sweating. I’m Usain Bolt in the 2008 Beijing Olympics.
Penn Marriage Pact, Penn Crushes: Penn Engineers Just So Horny
Penn Engineers are having more sex than everyone.
Commons Lowkey Sceney Tonight! I See My One Friend Over There
Soupe du jour? Friendship.
We’re Both Thinking It: Let’s Turn This Coffee Chat Into a Crack-Cocaine Chat
Oh, what’s my major? I’m really glad you asked, it’s LET’S CUT THE FUCKING BULLSHIT AND SMOKE SOME CRACK-COCAINE.
OP-ED: Me When Earthly Desires Become Premeditated Disappointments
Everything is going to be okay (heart emoji).
Report: Boyfriend Texting Drafts of Satire Headlines Again
“Wow, woke king! This white guy takes to a minority today!”
“Hey, Don’t Do That Please.” Penn Security Meekly Says to Army of Rabid Jaywalkers
Their presence strikes a fear unlike any other. Their neon shirts repel ne’er-do-wells from miles away. Their 3-gear bikes are rumored to be direct Tour de France hand-me-downs. They are Penn Security. And you don’t want to mess with them.
Super Bowl? I Thought This Weed Was Just Okay
I mean, it was a fun sesh, but super? I thought it was pretty standard, all things considered.