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BREAKING: Sophomore Sells Hair on Dark Web to Afford Big/Little Week

Her pixie cut isn’t the identity crisis you think it is.


"Guess I Can't Intern at Amazon Now," Says Student with No Previous Chance of Interning at Amazon

As of last week, Amazon pulled out of their HQ2 plans for Queens, closing off anticipated job opportunities for many. So, basically, as of last week, senior Whartonite Jeremy Anders’ life was ruined.


Student Shocked to Find Annoying Kid Making Loud Comments in Lecture Recording Is Himself

Earlier that day, he sat down to speed watch his lecture for his exam only to find it loudly interrupted periodically by a side conversation of two boys in the back.


OP-ED: I Enter Upper Quad Just to SABS My Way down to Baby Quad

My destination? The womb of this campus: baby quad.


My God, How Did This Happen?! Says Senior After Seven Hours in CVS

“I came in here for a roll of toilet paper, but then I saw that face masks were on sale, and after that it’s a blur.” 


“I Don’t Talk About My Pulitzer a Lot,” Says Professor 5 Minutes into First Class

Five minutes into the first class, he could already tell what was on students' minds — that they were in a class with a professor who won a Pulitzer back in ‘82.


OP-ED: Add the Quaker to Smash Bros, You Cowards

I know what you’re thinking: it’s going to be hard to keep the game balanced when adding such an immensely powerful character.


See Ya, Sean! Jenny Is Practicing Zero-Waste, and You Didn’t Make the Cut

Along with using lots of Tupperware, Jenny is extending this mindset to other aspects of her life.


Report: Gutmann and Biden Will Make Small Talk for an Hour on Stage, and You'll Love It

The conversation should last for around 15 or 20 minutes, depending how much mileage the two can squeeze out of their initial weather conversation.


Anime Club Member Deciding Which Body Pillow to Take to Date Night

"Hinata is so beautiful and we have great chemistry, but Sawako is such a good friend and so fun to dance with.”


5 Mixed Drinks That Scream, "I Won't Be Able to Get Hard Tonight"

You know one thing for sure: no matter what happens, you will not be getting hard tonight.


Health Goddess! Shhh! She Doesn't Inhale

"Since I don’t inhale, the more times I take a smoke break or short walk around the block, the more fit I’m getting."


OP-ED: Capital One Cafe Isn't like Other Cafes, It's Worse

It’s a microcosm of coffee and money. At this point, Penn should look into adding it to its real estate portfolio.


Quiz: Did a Frat Star Punch a Hole in Your Wall, or Was It a Tiny Mr. Kool Aid Man?

Here's the scenario: after throwing an absolutely bangin' mixer last night, you come downstairs to assess the carnage.


Mom, Can You Pick Me Up? There’s No Alcohol at This Party

I thought it was just going to be a fun relaxed night of binge drinking, but instead they found old video games in the basement, and now the night seems like it’s going to be really wholesome. 


Brave: Senior Drinks Multiple Times a Week Despite Deteriorating Physical Health

While most research suggests that consuming alcohol in any amount is detrimental to a person’s health, Adkins feels it’s her duty to make the most of college, be it in the form of tequila on Tuesdays, Sink or Swim on Wednesdays, or drinking her weight on Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays. 


Senior More Committed to Earning Spot on Feb Club Smokes Plaque Than on Dean's List the past 4 Years

He is experiencing an unparalleled amount of drive that he had not yet embodied during his time at Penn: he must make it on to the Smoke’s plaque.


OP-ED: Are You Sneaking a Banana out of Commons or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

I might grab an apple, perhaps a kiwi or even a pear if I’m feeling adventurous. I could even grab a banana, like you seem to have maybe done.


ROTC Student Willing to Go to War but Won't Shave in Quad Showers

"I’ll do a ten-mile run in full uniform, but do you know what’s on the walls of those showers? Neither do I, and I’m not about to risk it.”


Dear Malia Obama: Forget That Lame Shit, Let's Do Fireball Shots

You’re telling me you’re at a Miami beach party, and you’re just gonna causally sip some wine? Not even fun wine like Franzia.


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