OP-ED: I Literally Would Have Cured Coronavirus by Now if My Lectures Actually Ended on Time
We could meal prep for the week, attend ten 60-second lectures, or take a really good shit - if only our professors actually respected our time.
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Professor Announcing First Essay Due Oct. 15, as if Sam Receiving Letter Grade
“I love that he’s trying to set up a little schedule for himself during all of this chaos,” said Jafri in reference to his professor’s firm and unwavering midterm deadline. “I read that that can be really helpful in trying to feel like you have a sense of control. Genuinely, it’s so sweet he’s setting goals for himself. I’m really happy for him.”
OP-ED: I Literally Would Have Cured Coronavirus by Now if My Lectures Actually Ended on Time
We could meal prep for the week, attend ten 60-second lectures, or take a really good shit - if only our professors actually respected our time.
QUIZ: Peaches the Pony Needs Your Ketamine for Life-Saving Surgery— Will You Give it to Her?
UTB Staff
Tuesday, Oct. 13, 2020Tue, Oct 13, 2020
Does the youthful joy of an innocent pony mean nothing to you?
Professor Announcing First Essay Due Oct. 15, as if Sam Receiving Letter Grade
“I love that he’s trying to set up a little schedule for himself during all of this chaos,” said Jafri in reference to his professor’s firm and unwavering midterm deadline. “I read that that can be really helpful in trying to feel like you have a sense of control. Genuinely, it’s so sweet he’s setting goals for himself. I’m really happy for him.”
Report: “Virtual Snacks with the Dean” Greatest Threat to Our Collective Grasp on Reality
“I love snacks,” Dean Sneigowski professed, his glowing virtual avatar violently glitching in and out of its frame. “Won’t you come enjoy some with me?”
BREAKING: Friendly Reminder Is Lowkey Unfriendly :(
Professional linguists have derived the following translation after meticulous analysis: “Bitch can you read?”
OP-ED: I’m a Freshman Who’s Been to Penn Once But You Can Def Trust What I Have to Say
You can believe everything I have to say about this school because I basically go here already. With Eric Furda’s approval, my trusty lanyard, and steamy Ben Franklin statue photos, I have the holy trinity of being a seasoned Penn student.
"It's Almost Fall ;)" Announces Girl With Extensive Spongebob Sweater Collection
While some look forward to Halloween, some are eagerly awaiting posting selfies with pumpkin spice lattes, and others are preparing for sweater weather. Adriana Cortez is part of that last group.
Speed Run: Getting Blocked by Irresponsible at Penn
At a blistering 36.74 seconds, UTB has just broken the world record for getting blocked by Irresponsible at Penn.
Under the Button’s Guide to Voting (For Girls and Gays)
3. Distribute poppers to the poll workers to demonstrate your appreciation for the LGBTQ+ guardians of civil liberty.
Greedy and Bloodthirsty Administration Urges Students to Put Penn as Their Life Insurance Beneficiary
The administration has urged the students to put the University down as their life insurance beneficiary, and, after doing so, the students will be hunted down for sport.
In Fear of Chinese Spying, US Bans Paper, Compass, Explosives
“Due to the ban of paper, we iterate it is the patriotic duty of all Americans to discontinue the use of toilet paper, and adopt leaves, corn cobs, and rocks,” said Ross.
Under the Button Endorses Kim Kardashian West as Ruth Bader Ginsburg's Replacement
Over the past few years, Mrs. Kardashian West has shown a keen interest in matters relating to jurisprudence and legal philosophy.
Mike Pence's Head Fly, Will You Go to Prom With Me?
I know that that you're way out of my league, given that you're an international sensation now, but Mike Pence's Head Fly, WILL YOU GO TO PROM WITH ME?
"Huh, When Did This Get Here?" Lost Student Stumbles Upon Clark Park
Walking home hungover from a “crazy, wild, but socially-distanced!” night, Becky took a few wrong turns and ended up at the corner of 43rd and Baltimore. She looked around, confused... A huge park… just right off of campus??
Meal Prep! 10 Ways to Roast Your Veggies
Mushrooms, the only way youu2019ll ever get laid is to crawl up a chickenu2019s ass and wait.
Has Democracy Died? Student Government Voter Turnout Decreases From 5 Students to 2
Despite recent events, I had held out held hope that perhaps democracy still existed somewhere in the dark and distant corners of the world. That hope died as soon as I heard the news of the latest political tragedy: the decrease in voter turnout for Penn student government elections.
Hey, You Pathological Liar: Here Are Three (Fake) Fun Facts to Tell About Yourself During Icebreakers
The girl next to you tells everyone she’s “outdoorsy.” You call BS. Settle for these more realistic lies that will surely rock everyone’s socks!
Why Runescape Is Better Than Sex
Don’t think of yourself as an incel watching Zoom lectures, think of yourself as a monk dedicating your life to the one true cause— Runescape.
Freshman Who Read 'Atlas Shrugged' in High School Can't Wait to Tear Shit Up in Ethics Class
"It's great to have somebody that isn't afraid to share their thoughts with everyone. But his desire to free America from the shackles of big government alongside a cabal of free-thinking business magnates isn't really appropriate for this class."
New Discovery: Putting On Jeans Portal to Feeling Human Again
“No doubt, denim has some astounding properties. Not only does contact with it give the wearer a sense of well-being, but it also prevents them from feeling like a complete and utter drain on society’s resources.”
