OP-ED: Wouldn’t It Have Really Sucked If Jeffrey Epstein Graduated From Penn?
But, in the broad scheme of things, Penn has had some seriously questionable alumni. Case in point, the 46th President of the United States of America: Donald Trump.
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Top 10 Facemasks to Protect Against STDs
College life is when we are most susceptible to STDs. Here are some UTB approved ways to protect yourself against any sexual disease.
OP-ED: Wouldn’t It Have Really Sucked If Jeffrey Epstein Graduated From Penn?
But, in the broad scheme of things, Penn has had some seriously questionable alumni. Case in point, the 46th President of the United States of America: Donald Trump.
Year of the Rat Celebration Going Down 24/7 in the VP Basement
That’s right. Those grimey little rat boys are getting down and dirty at all hours of the day and night.
Top 10 Facemasks to Protect Against STDs
College life is when we are most susceptible to STDs. Here are some UTB approved ways to protect yourself against any sexual disease.
Louie Louie Newie! Ooey Gooey Chewy Ratatouille!
Yessiree: a groovy new chewie for the choosy foodie is on duty.
OP-ED: Hey Does Anyone Have A Cigarette?
Wait... does anyone have a cigarette? No pressure, just thirsty.
Letting Go of Your Forced Roommate Friendship Now that You Have Real Friends: A Freshman's Guide
Here are some tips for scraping off the roommate barnacle cramping your style now that you're done pretending you have anything in common.
Exposé: 34th Street Offices Actually on 40th
My personal faith in our media institutions have been shaken- what's next, The Statesman not actually having any of the respectability or basic moral decency that such a title invokes? Absolutely unthinkable.
To My Roommate Who Keeps Making Milkshakes at 3 A.M.
You have a class at nine a.m., don’t you? Fuck you. Go to sleep. Unlike you, I still care, and I can't stand the sight of you like this.
Perry World House to Invite Non-white War Criminals for Once
Another leap forward for diversity! In an attempt to respond to students’ demand for equality, Perry World House announced its new initiative to invite war criminals of all colors to come speak and defend their infringement on human rights.
Feeling Depressed? Here’s Why You Should Feel Guilty About That
Have you been feeling hopeless, panicked, or uncontrollably sad? Well, rather than seeking help or telling yourself that you are loved and have lots to look forward to, there are several reasons why you should actually feel guilty about your depression, even though it is an illness you are not at fault for.
Editorial by Kasra | Hi, I'd Like to Add You to My Professional Network
Just wanted to reach out to offer you a formal invitation to join an exclusive club. Like, this is super legit. No no no, not Friars. I'm inviting you to join... my professional network.
Snickering Group of Penn Professors Admit They Made Math Up For April Fools 1981
“Did you guys seriously think all of that crap was real?” Professor Joseph Godin remarked, wiping tears of mirth from his eyes. “Oh my goodness.”
Quiz: Which Under the Button Writers Should Get Some Help Right Now?
Our die-hard fans know — sometimes, UTB writers seem very sad and not ok. Our fans are not wrong! Some of our writers should get some help right now.
Quiz: Do You Know Your iCloud Password?
Uh oh! You've been logged out of your iCloud account. But no worries — of course you know your password. Or do you? Take this quiz to find out!
BREAKING: West and Down Closed Permanently Following Failed Vibe Check
The sick, twisted minds behind West and Down will be moving their establishment to an abandoned fish factory in Croatia. The owners said, “We are really excited about the new direction of West and Down, and we know our business model will flourish at Skuša-Šnjur Tvornica.”
OP-ED: Your Fraternity Would Have Been Lucky to Have Me
But I mean if anyone drops and you need an extra guy I guess I could find the time in my schedule.
Guest Column From the Random Adult in Your Class: Do You Even Remember 9/11?
I mean, do you even remember 9/11? Do you even know what that is?
Friends Concerned Kelsey not Drinking Enough Alcohol
“Kelsey just drinks a frighteningly small amount,” said a friend who wanted to remain anonymous.
Jazz&Grooves Scrambling for New Act After 7 Gecs Escape
Caroline Curran
Wednesday, Feb. 5, 2020Wed, Feb 5, 2020
Jazz&Grooves noted that the search has been challenging due to a lack of clarity on what a gec looks like or even is.
BREAKING: Penn Finally Brings Down the IAA, the Only Group on Campus That Does Hazing of Any Kind
The evil, tormented individuals leading the IAA forced their freshmen to degrade themselves through events like, “optional beer pong,” and “get to know the members night,” and despicable “ice breaker activities.”
