But the time has come; the time for mankind to discover what lies at the bottom of the peanut butter tub.  

Oh you want to know if I’ll give up any of the outlets I’m occupying? Well gosh, let me think about that. I certainly can’t unplug my space heater or my portable air conditioning, lest my body temperature stray from this equilibrium. I guess I could give up the plug for my massage chair, but it’s just not that comfortable when it’s just sitting in one place.

There is nothing as handsome as a man with a cigarette. He might be showing early signs of lung cancer but he’s sure to have a hell of a time abroad. 

“I know how stressful this time of year can be for students. Remember, I was a student myself! I had finals, too! I can relate. I’m a very relatable person,” she insists in the video's description.

In ASTR 001, the stakes are high. No one in the class has ever seen a number before, and suddenly a professor who was involved in a Nobel Prize-winning experiment is trying to convince hundreds of emotionally concussed students that gravity can bend space.

Of course I resorted to this. I have everyone at The Daily Pennsylvanian as we speak, and I don't plan to let them go anytime soon. 

He's actually not done with finals yet. He still has a final paper due on Friday. 

There’s a couple of potential answers to her inquiries. You could definitely lie and say you usually take a power nap at 8:35 PM while studying for finals, and you just forgot to turn the alarm off.

Wait, hold up. No way. Are you fucking kidding me right now? Smoke? I just wanted to fry up a late-night dish, and this is what I get? Oh shit oh fuck that’s a lot of steam

It’s come to my attention that I’ll never be an antique bison. Try as I might, I am only a twenty-fifth of it’s size, far less stately than I once had hoped. 

Listen, buddy, whatever you’re blabbering on about right now, I don’t want to hear about it. You could literally be telling me that the final for my Art History class has been canceled and I couldn't care less! You know why? Cuz you, and that mouth of yours, have been getting on my nerves lately. 

Yeah yeah, Trump did call the Prime Minister of Italy ‘Giuseppe Spaghetti’ today, but I’m blissfully distracted by these delicious new paella recipes.

Again, we should definitely keep the coke cabinet unlocked. It’s just logical. 

"Maybe I’ll just pay my way into Wharton like everyone else."

You don’t need parties to have fun. For example, one great way to pass the time is to watch paint dry. 

Lucky for everyone, two measly hours is more than enough time to find and categorize sweaters for over 2000 individuals.

We can hardly fix these problems in the U.N., but for some reason, at 5 P.M. on Tuesday, I have to pack my stuff up so you can try to fix it in a literal house. It just seems personal.

Sorry to anyone who doesn't enjoy the smell of chipotle mayo.

“Merge sort is the most satisfying thing I’ve ever seen."

When I look at a stranger’s cover photo, I can tell if they have friends or not. If they’re promoting their club or frat’s latest event, it is clear that they have a social life and that they matter. However, if I see a photo of them with their friends, all I can think is “wow, what a loser.”