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News


Student Challenges Professor to Duel Over Exam Grade

According to the long-forgotten policy, any student has the option to challenge their professor to a duel to dispute an exam grade. Amazingly, students are even able to rent out pistols for the duel from Van Pelt. 


"Social Media is Bad for You," Says Most Boring Person Ever

One time, I saw a baby with an iPad. I cried and threw up for three days.


BREAKING! Frats Announced New Spotify Playlist That Only Plays Diplos 'On My Mind' Once

This rebellion was a long instigated effort by both Panhellenic and University students to put an end to these horrible, white-girl anthem monstrosities.


Gutmann Shopping for Oktoberfest Outfit: 'Which Sexy Lederhosen Is Most Professional?'

After entering Spirit Halloween, Gutmann was quoted as asking store manager Joseph Kelly for the most appropriate traditional Lederhosen attire that would make her look “professional and honorable, but with an ass that just don’t quit."


Laundry Tips for Students Who Are Used to Having Housekeepers

How to make dirty money FAST. 


Pass/Pass Option Now Mandatary for Wharton Students

Pass/Pass has always been the Wharton way of life 


Super Sad! Girl Playing Hard To Get Gets Nothing

What? She doesn't like it when you ignore her? Oh, poor girl :( BOO HOO :(


Reclaimed! ONLY Women Allowed To Be In Kitchen, Eat

We expect the male population to fully die off within the next few months. From there, we will procreate with each other using IVF.


Gift With Purchase: The Kombucha in Acme is Free if You Want it to be

When you get to the checkout line, you really only have to pay for one out of every ten or eleven items you plan on leaving with.


Attention Whore? This Girl Walks on Locust

During her 90-second stroll, she waved to six acquaintances, had an elongated chat with a friend from freshman year, and was seen by half of the undergraduate population at the University of Pennsylvania. 


BREAKING: Girl Feeling an Emotion at a Location on Campus

Girl entered a natural instinctive state of mind deriving from her circumstances, mood, and/ or relationships at a particular space in the general grounds and/ or buildings of the University of Pennsylvania. 


UTB Endorses Xi Jinping for Reelection as Chairman at 2022 National Congress of Chinese Politburo

The renewal of Xi’s term as Chairman is the only realistic way to realize the Great Renaissance of the Chinese Nation. 


BREAKING! Wharton to Require Mandatory Nepotism Training

Wharton’s nepotism training program will be a rigorous course, including sections such as how to pick which family friend in the top 1% wealth bracket to get your letter of recommendation from and how to casually mention in interviews that you vacation in the Hamptons every summer.


We Counted: Seven (7) Penn Students Have Green Passes

This morning, close to 10,000 undergraduates out of a population of 10,000 undergraduates received red passes. 


Get Over Yourself: Student Really Using Umbrella in Scanty Drizzle

Eyewitnesses say that there was no way, given the minimal amount of moisture in the atmosphere, that he actually needed to parade his umbrella around for the world to see.


Girl With 5 Hour Daily Screen Time Simply Does Not Have Time To Read Class Material

"I don’t know how I can be expected to read all of that material when I also have to dedicate at least five hours a day to mindlessly scrolling through my phone.” 


Oh No, Our Pledges Just Unionized

First, they demand to be “treated like humans”. What type of communist bullshit is this? 


BREAKING! Toys R Us to Rebrand to Women B Shopping.

Women Do B Shopping Sometimes.


Oh Wow! Question Somehow Manages to Fall Below “No Stupid Questions” Threshold

“If I’d known that I had such dipshits in my class, I would’ve blocked off questioning entirely.”


SHOCKING: Students Question Reality as Campus Wi-Fi Functions for 5 Consecutive Minutes

We recognize that this may be the last UTB article you ever read, and we ever write; in that spirit, remember, as you are consumed by the void, that life was always meaningless.


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