The words “Hallelujer!” echoed through the Church belfry as Pastor Smith, Head of Penn’s Christian Association, rejoiced in the news of a socially-distanced fall.

“I think the plan is great,” said College senior Malachi Constant. “Professors can stay home and be closer to family, while all students can be on campus and party-I mean, study together.”

"I always carried around the weight that I was rejected from Princeton — it was a point of shame for a long time, but after hearing Princeton's fall plan, I don't feel bad anymore. I feel like Penn is a better fit for me than Princeton ever would have been.

 Drain cleaner? Check. Some weird unlabeled bottle? Check. A splash of bleach and detergent? Check. Maybe it should’ve been a red flag when all these items appeared on the WikiHow article titled “How to Make A Home-made Bomb”, but clearly if he just mixed the chemicals the right way, everything would turn out perfectly. 

"If there's one thing people who come back from war love, its explosives. Why do you think they wanted to go to war in the first place?" UTB fact-checkers determined that this statement "definitely checks out." 

For the phrase, "For Quartering large bodies of armed troops among us" he would add, "If I were interested in large bodies, I'd pay a visit to his majesty's mother".

In order to showcase national pride, Penn president, Amy Gutmann, decided to host the first, and potentially last, Annual University of Pennsylvania 4th of July Firework Spectacular Sponsored by Bud Light.

“I can’t live there for two weeks or more. No matter what. I promise I’ll be responsible and not catch COVID.”

 Just like Penn Basketball, if Trump wins reelection, you all can get a free ShakeShack burger!

"I have hand, foot, and mouth already," shouted one excited incoming freshman, peering out of an inconspicuous bush on Locust Walk. "I was accepted ED, and I've been waiting to roll around on the floor of a quad bathroom ever since! I can't wait to get COVID-19! Is this the Penn experience?" 

"I've bought 15 Penn sweatshirts so far, but I still haven't found a golden ticket," explained stressed junior Andre Jones. "At this point, I'll be wearing Penn sweatshirts almost exclusively well into my 30s."

After months of deliberation, university officials have finally come to a consensus on their plan of action this upcoming school year. Instead of reopening its doors to all, entrance to Penn’s campus will be restricted to one group: professors.

“After thoughtful deliberation, we came to realize, as a baseline, we could at least provide each incoming student with a deep sense of despair, loneliness, and isolation. This promise is at the core of our fall 2020 plan.”

Describing the semester as ‘Penn Lite’, Gutmann ensured students that the semester will have all of the Penn Face, pre-professionalism, and toxicity of a normal semester at Penn, minus every form of stress-relief and joy that made being a Penn student somewhat tolerable. 

For the sake of parents' basements everywhere, Amy Gutmann, if you're reading this, listen to the students' pleas and give us a hybrid experience. We know there's a risk of COVID, but anything's better than another four months at home.

Now, instead of students booking out an entire GSR to cry and fall asleep in, they will each be assigned their own personal study pod. Each room entrance will have a gold placard engraved with the student’s name and their associated fraternity or sorority. 

One of my favorite childhood memories was coming home from school, grabbing some pizza rolls, and escaping into the world of joy-riding and abusing prostitutes on the street.

Scrolling down to the "About" section, I thought that surely Furda, a man who went to our school and has worked there for years, would at the least give Amy Gutmann a shoutout, but no. 

"I thought it would be a nice way for my successor to remember me and to cement my legacy in one of the most permanent ways possible."

Furthermore, UTB has deduced the real reason for his sudden departure: with recent budget cuts, the University can no longer afford the salary of its hot, sexy, well-proportioned admissions cover boy.