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News


Quad Custodian Unearths Stunning 9 Foot Long Cum Fossil in Boys' Shower Drain

It’s sure to come in first place at this year’s national cum fossil convention.


OP-ED: What You Can Steal From Van Pelt

Have you ever wondered why the security guards at Van Pelt check your backpacks and don’t seem concerned with much else? 


Mr Beast’s $1 Million Challenge “How Many Items Can You Steal From Pret In 30 Seconds”

An anonymous source has leaked that the one quiet kid who’s actually really fucking sneaky was the winner.


An Epidemic of Loneliness: The Neglect of Penn’s Little In-Laws

I’ve been thinking about how to make Big-Little Week more about me, and I finally realized my very close personal connection to the various sisterhoods across campus.


BREAKING: I Act Visibly Emotionally Tortured Each Time I Pass a Campus Tour

 I could see the parents think to themselves, “Wow, they sure didn’t look that unhappy at Harvard!”


7 Ways to Be Anti-coquette

Free yourself. 


Charlotte’s Surprise Pregnancy: Stingray Jesus or Classic Case of 2-Sharks-1-Stingray Threesome?

Is Charlotte the Virgin Mary of aquariums, or just a freaky lil gal...


Fiji Hosts Case Race for Palestine

I don’t know about you guys, but my money's on Fred the alcoholic. I heard that guy can pound ‘em back like there’s no tomorrow!


OFSL to Offer Philanthropy Credit for Penn Global Seminars in “Third-World Countries”

Though Penn Global Seminar courses have deceptively claimed to broaden horizons and deepen cross-cultural understanding, OFSL’s new initiative clarifies that their true purpose is to provide “feel-good” service opportunities.


Israel Agrees to Ceasefire So Long as Palestine Renames Itself to Palestein

While you have heard compelling arguments supporting Israel and Palestine from experts at the top of their fields, (socialist girls and frat guys who have taken one poly sci class) breaking news shows that there is new information regarding the conflict. 


BREAKING: Penn to Restrict Legacy Status to Applicants Conceived at SkiBT

Penn will also extend special status to applicants whose parents were avid coke users throughout their time at Penn.


Jon Huntsman to Reinstate Donation After “Feeling Represented” by Penn President For First Time Since 1993 All-Female Run

Huntsman is no stranger to diversity, boasting several years of global ambassadorship under his belt and more impressively and relevantly, an LDS mission to Taiwan


New PENNMATH Stan, Willing to Trade Ultra Rare Photocards to Complete a Prof G Collection

I have a few rare cards of my bias wreckers Cooper and Rimmer, but I am only willing to trade them for other rare Ghrist PCs


BREAKING: Penn To Arrest Every White Person in a Wasian Couple

 “We locked eyes in the ethnic food aisle in Trader Joe’s – right next to Trader Ming’s Kung Pao Chicken – and it was love at first sight.” 


Hotshot Candidate for Penn Presidency Hosts Israeli Writers Conference in Genius Move

Kinda crazy no one else thought to do this


Amidst Rising RSV Cases, Pottruck Gymbros Are Requested to Wipe Down Mirrors After Solo Make-Out Sessions

Nothing is more important than valuing yourself, feeling good about your appearance, and being comfortable in your own skin


Blimey! Daily NYT Crossword Doers have Especially Weak Grasp of 18th Century English Literature

Dean Sniegowski sighs, “Another cross cultural analysis course wasted on crosswords.”


Valentine’s Day Miracle: I Have Recitation With the TA I’ve Been Hooking Up With

Hiiiii haha this might be a silly question but how do you transcribe jʊər aɪz ɑr soʊ ˈbjutəfəl?


​​12 Facts About Penn You Definitely Didn't Know

Did you know the 6-year undergraduate graduation rate is 102%?


Model UN Staffer’s Phone Filled With WAY Too Many Videos of Underage Kids

The staffer's phone is filled with videos of minors singing karaoke, dancing, passing resolutions, pretending to give birth, and other various acts the children's parents remain unaware of. 


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