Heaven looks a lot like Facebook marketplace

They're the new kids in town. 

What do you call a cheap circumcision?  A rip off!

It was a simpler time; I still considered myself pre-med, ate McClelland eight times a week, and protested Castle.

These freshmen just come to their Quaker Day, see a mirage of colors, grab the first bandana they see, and get straight to the felonies.

Gay !

Flipping drivers “the bird” is an overused and overly-aggressive defense to avoid getting hit by a car. Here are some nicer alternatives to properly communicate with Philadelphia’s finest automobile operators:

Next thing you know, you're transferring out of Wharton and into the School of Working Makeshift Iron Blast Furnaces on the College Green.

For months we’ve been getting complaints that our ingredients aren’t clean. How can anything be cleaner than meat that was literally just washed in water?

The Make-A-Wish Foundation has put together their best team in decades, with several players having used their wishes for basketball lessons from pro stars such as Michael Jordan, Devin Booker, and Blake Griffin.

Check it out.

Some engineering students have spoken to Under the Button reporters directly to comment on their nymphomania. However, we could not understand them due to their poor social cues. It really is a mystery how they’re getting some.

You try to speak. I silence you with a forceful yet caring neigh. You gaze into my eyes, stunned at my display of horsey power. I lean in and whisper into your ear the wise words of 90’s R&B icon Ginuwine: Ride this pony.

Yesterday, Twitter CEO Elon Musk (W CAS ’97) voiced his support for former President Trump’s (W ’68) tirade against the current scandal engulfing President Joe Biden.

Dozens of lost souls roam the rainy campus in search of a warm, quiet place to consume pop culture and do vape tricks.

After setting up headquarters in the lounge, the group proclaimed that they will be holding hostages until a “high rise 4BR with a pretty view” opens up. 

The girls have already formed close bonds and decided to create their own pseudo-sorority, titled in the typical Greek fashion: “Yo Gabba Gabba”.

Big-Little season brings hope for a prosperous future but it is all one great big lie and no one actually knows what’s going on.

Woah, slow down chief. Who does this guy think he is?!

Through petitions and the amazing work of attentive student government officers making real change, Natural Light was brought to the shelves of Penn's finest dining establishments.