According to the long-forgotten policy, any student has the option to challenge their professor to a duel to dispute an exam grade. Amazingly, students are even able to rent out pistols for the duel from Van Pelt. 

One time, I saw a baby with an iPad. I cried and threw up for three days.

This rebellion was a long instigated effort by both Panhellenic and University students to put an end to these horrible, white-girl anthem monstrosities.

After entering Spirit Halloween, Gutmann was quoted as asking store manager Joseph Kelly for the most appropriate traditional Lederhosen attire that would make her look “professional and honorable, but with an ass that just don’t quit."

How to make dirty money FAST. 

Pass/Pass has always been the Wharton way of life 

What? She doesn't like it when you ignore her? Oh, poor girl :( BOO HOO :(

We expect the male population to fully die off within the next few months. From there, we will procreate with each other using IVF.

When you get to the checkout line, you really only have to pay for one out of every ten or eleven items you plan on leaving with.

During her 90-second stroll, she waved to six acquaintances, had an elongated chat with a friend from freshman year, and was seen by half of the undergraduate population at the University of Pennsylvania. 

Girl entered a natural instinctive state of mind deriving from her circumstances, mood, and/ or relationships at a particular space in the general grounds and/ or buildings of the University of Pennsylvania. 

The renewal of Xi’s term as Chairman is the only realistic way to realize the Great Renaissance of the Chinese Nation. 

Wharton’s nepotism training program will be a rigorous course, including sections such as how to pick which family friend in the top 1% wealth bracket to get your letter of recommendation from and how to casually mention in interviews that you vacation in the Hamptons every summer.

This morning, close to 10,000 undergraduates out of a population of 10,000 undergraduates received red passes. 

Eyewitnesses say that there was no way, given the minimal amount of moisture in the atmosphere, that he actually needed to parade his umbrella around for the world to see.

"I don’t know how I can be expected to read all of that material when I also have to dedicate at least five hours a day to mindlessly scrolling through my phone.” 

First, they demand to be “treated like humans”. What type of communist bullshit is this? 

Women Do B Shopping Sometimes.

“If I’d known that I had such dipshits in my class, I would’ve blocked off questioning entirely.”

We recognize that this may be the last UTB article you ever read, and we ever write; in that spirit, remember, as you are consumed by the void, that life was always meaningless.