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News


‘Rush is Just About Personality Fit!’ Says Rich Hot Friend

Aimee Brooks (W ’23), a freshman who hails from Chelsea, Manhattan and identifies as “old money,” is under the impression that this system is ultimately fair and unbiased.


Ranking Women by Susan’s Personal Opinion is Actually Feminist, Assures Pan-Hellenic

“Feminism is all about empowering Susan, as well as those that Susan deems worthy of empowerment,” said the head of Penn Pan-Hellenic. "I promise we haven't misunderstood the concept."


Professor Submits Final Grades Late, Now HE Loses Half a Letter Grade

Well, well, well, would you look at that: it’s syllabus policy revenge time.


What’s at the Bottom of the Hill Dining Hall Peanut Butter?

 But the time has come; the time for mankind to discover what lies at the bottom of the peanut butter tub.  


Sophomore Develops Nicotine Addiction in Preparation for Semester Abroad in Europe

There is nothing as handsome as a man with a cigarette. He might be showing early signs of lung cancer but he’s sure to have a hell of a time abroad. 


Amy Gutmann Drops Lo-Fi Study Beats Playlist

“I know how stressful this time of year can be for students. Remember, I was a student myself! I had finals, too! I can relate. I’m a very relatable person,” she insists in the video's description.


Religious Student Writes ‘God Doesn’t Want Us to Know’ for Every Question on Astronomy Final

In ASTR 001, the stakes are high. No one in the class has ever seen a number before, and suddenly a professor who was involved in a Nobel Prize-winning experiment is trying to convince hundreds of emotionally concussed students that gravity can bend space.


'I'm Done With Finals Already' Reports Annoying-Ass Bitch

He's actually not done with finals yet. He still has a final paper due on Friday. 


CAS Student Who Says They're 'Transferring to Wharton' Currently Failing Econ

"Maybe I’ll just pay my way into Wharton like everyone else."


Desire to Do Work Overpowered by 15th Sorting Algorithm Video of Night

“Merge sort is the most satisfying thing I’ve ever seen."


What a Dork! This Freshman’s Cover Photo Isn’t Even Promoting Anything

When I look at a stranger’s cover photo, I can tell if they have friends or not. If they’re promoting their club or frat’s latest event, it is clear that they have a social life and that they matter. However, if I see a photo of them with their friends, all I can think is “wow, what a loser.”


NCH West Planners Increase Noise Pollution, Successfully Drown out Noise Pollution Complaints

Situated at the corner of 40th and Walnut streets, construction on the record-breaking $163 million dorm hall began in December 2018, with the site facing Du Bois College House, Gregory College House, and Rodin College House.


New Record: 3 People at This Performing Arts Show Know None of the Performers

Collectively, this added up to over an hour and 30 minutes of non-affiliated viewing time. Although they were alumni who had been members of PennEMOTE when, in Voshkal's words, "it was actually good," the three audience members still met the criteria of not knowing any performer.


Resume Worthy! Sarah Used More Unique Words Last Week Than 99% of Grammarly Users

Said all other Penn students, “What the fuck is Grammarly?” 


Elon Musk Fails Design 101 Final

The Cyber Truck is so sleek and definitely does not look like a race car from a 1990's video game.


Penn Student Body Wins 'Best Professor' Award

Penn is known for being a vibrant and rigorous academic atmosphere, with top tier researchers and the best student self-teachers in the world.


New Student-Run Diner to Open in Houston This Spring and Close Next Spring

Citing probable low student demand for food other than overpriced salads and generic Asian food bowls, PSA anticipates that this business venture will ultimately fail in about a year’s time. 


Going Abroad Party So Indulgent Student Not Allowed to Return

One Penn student is already regretting the enormous party he’s throwing for himself. Evan Du (W ‘21) invited every single person he’s ever spoken with to his “I’m going to England” party, before realizing he would never be allowed back to Penn. 


22-Year-Old Becca Proudly Adding McKinsey’s 'Concentration Camp Team' to LinkedIn

With her quick little update, she’d shown all of the finance bros in her senior year classes who really was the best and brightest — by working to starve migrant children.  


Tour Group Mistakes Sadness in the Eyes of Students for Intelligence

“What could they be thinking about? Gosh, these kids are so damn smart! Geniuses!” He looked at his son’s smile and excitement for life and almost winced, as if to say that such a visage could not possibly fit in here. 


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