“Why did it have to be minions? Let’s be real, we would be drowning in grant money had that kid made Flubber instead.” 

In a crushing wave of disappointment, Sandez then realized that the Supreme Court was in fact not the legal branch of the fashion company Supreme. 

For the first time in 93 years and also for the first time ever, Penn Medicine will be relocating their 12.5-ton Sphincter statue from the basement of HUP to the main lobby! 

“Really you two?? I thought you raised me to never act like this,” said Samantha. 

“Wait, how many girls do you have with you?” *rips juul* “Eh…Take a lap, guys.”  

"Kicking Rick out last semester really left a bad taste in our mouths — we knew we had to make it up to the poor guy."

 “I don’t know what I did to deserve this,” lamented Patterson, "I ghosted those people for a reason, Facebook."

She knows who you are. She knows what you did. She’s your high school math teacher, and to her, you will always be an incompetent piece of shit.  

Kendra reposted the videos to her own story and proudly declared that she was “so done” with the meat and dairy industries. 

 “At long last, it is time to execute function sleepExcessiveAmounts().” 

I can tell you that it comes from the Middle English word Wednesdei, which comes from the Old English word Wōdnesdæg, but I just don't know man, I can't spell Wensday for the life of me.

 If a fetus is not permitted to bear arms, how will we be protected against tyranny? 

Look, I’ve seen better assaults, I’ve seen worse assaults. But honestly, as far as assaults go, it left a lot to be desired.

You have enough problems with your own uterus, so why should you care about the uterus of that girl from ninth grade bio?

 Be honest with yourself, you're going to get so invested that you do all the research by yourself anyways, so why not get credit for it? 

 Professor Shannon is happy to report that she currently enjoys an overall rating of 1.2 on Penn Course Review, and “is optimistic that in the coming semesters [she]’ll be able to bring her average up to the 1.25 range.”  

Wanna SEPTA to Pussyank this weekend?

 This class asked its students to examine: What is pornography? What makes something pornographic? For Thompson, and many others like him, the answer is absolutely everything. 

Make sure to take an extra donut as you type, and remember that I also brought in Pop Ems too. 

“Oh! Wow! Penn Relays is going on right now?” said Braden in an interview, clad in his old high school track uniform and Penn Relays hat. “I literally had no idea. But while we’re on the subject…”