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News


Eavesdropping on Writing Sem Brings Sophomore Tears of Nostalgia

It was a simpler time; I still considered myself pre-med, ate McClelland eight times a week, and protested Castle.


SHS to Be Replaced With Battalion of Busty Swedish Women Offering Deep-Tissue Massages

It’s time to face the truth. There’s simply nothing as blissful as a Swedish woman dislocating your spine and rearranging your organs.


OK Boomer! You Remember When Halal Was $5

 I miss the days when I could get a $5 halal before going to class and licking all the tables, chairs, doorknobs, and power outlets.


Amid Penn Biden Center Controversy, University Denies It is Housing Chinese Students

The renewed controversy comes just days after Congressional Republicans accused Penn of offering Chinese language classes.


BREAKING: Penn Museum to Castrate All New Students and Use Their Remains in ANTH 0001 Lectures

First hand, you and your classmates can examine each other’s… members!


Upgrade: Sophomore Moves From Harrison Double to Van Down By River

His landlord gutted the thing and stapled bed sheets to the interior to give it a nice homey vibe.



Penn Student's English Quite Good for a New Jerseyite

 “Your English is almost as good as mine!” noted Philadelphia native Lily Gretcher.


Local Chinese Couple Discover They Are From Neighboring Provinces of Rhode Island and Connecticut

“Wait, what dialect do you speak at home?” asked Liu. “Western New England English,” Wang replied.


"I Don’t Wanna Yuck Someone’s Yum": Devil's Advocate Guy Picks Up New Signature Saying

That annoying guy in your seminar just got more annoying.



Ben Franklin’s Rotting Corpse Banned From Student Groups

Penn has set its sights on the most obvious hurdle impeding a green future – oboe players.


BREAKING: All Signs Say It's Just About Time for Break

It really is time for break -- time to be free of finals, to be away from your failed situationship, to have a bedroom to yourself, and for the only thing that really matters: quality me-time. 


Local Student Outsmarts Van Pelt Bag Search Policy by Shoving Rare 19th Century Manuscript Up Ass

Witnesses say the suspect was last seen waddling past the library security desk.



601 Reasons Why Doja Cat's "Get Into It (Yuh)" is the Song of the Summer 2022

Spoiler: It's not what you think!


Green Eggs AND Ham, Commons Has Everything Today!

I do not like commons green eggs and ham. I do not like this, Maya I am.


Sophomore Misses Midterm to Wait in Line for 1.5 Oz of Glossier You Eau de Parfum

It's so worth it! It really does smell a little different on everyone.


They’ve Gone Too Far: The Penntrification of Northeast Philadelphia

And hey, it’s not like Philly is going to do anything about it. One resident close to the demolished shelter said, “This place kinda sucks” when I asked her how she felt about Penn’s most recent expansion.


BREAKING: Campus A Cappella Group Ousts Musical Arranger After Botched Harmony at Family Showcase Night

This ruined the would-be event of the year for empty-nesters who now have nothing better to look forward to than amateur a cappella.


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