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Watch Out: 28-Year-Old Senior Has Just Been on the Same CIS Waitlist for 7 Years

NEWS | Kasra Khadem
Wed, Sep 19, 2018

Albert Song (E '19) is just one credit away from graduating. He was also one credit away from graduating last year, the year before, and even back in 2011. No, he hasn't taken a gap decade. And no, he hasn't even left Penn. He has spent the past seven years of his life emailing professors, counting down until advance registration, and failing to get into CIS 518: Neural Deep Data Machine Intelligence—the only class that he needs to graduate.

Photo from pxhere / CC0

Watch Out: 28-Year-Old Senior Has Just Been on the Same CIS Waitlist for 7 Years

NEWS | Kasra Khadem Wednesday, Sept. 19, 2018Wed, Sep 19, 2018

Albert Song (E '19) is just one credit away from graduating. He was also one credit away from graduating last year, the year before, and even back in 2011. No, he hasn't taken a gap decade. And no, he hasn't even left Penn. He has spent the past seven years of his life emailing professors, counting down until advance registration, and failing to get into CIS 518: Neural Deep Data Machine Intelligence—the only class that he needs to graduate.

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Sophomore Banished to Hell by Protester Was Already in Electrical Engineering

NEWS | Karman Cheema Sunday, Sept. 16, 2018Sun, Sep 16, 2018

Nick Menon (E ’21) was taking his daily stroll to DRL for an engineering lecture when he saw a large congregation of protesters near College Green. “I just saw a lot of people yelling for no apparent reason. A minute later, I got berated for supporting women’s rights and vaccination, and somebody told me that Dean Furda was the third Antichrist.”

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Schools In! That Means It's Time for Jessica to Confront Her Semi-Exclusive Summer Fling on What the Summer Meant to Him

NEWS | Natalia Joseph Friday, Sept. 14, 2018Fri, Sep 14, 2018

Uh oh! The drunken haze that is NSO has ended, and now Jessica Talluto (C ’21) must confront her boy-toy of five months, Justin Tan (W ’20), about her inevitable feelings for him.  Well, actually, feelings for him isn’t entirely accurate—that is, if he doesn’t want anything serious with her. She’s “chill” and “down for whatever,” a source close to Talluto reveals.  

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Plot Twist: Guy Wearing Suit to Class is Not Recruiting, Just an Asshole

NEWS | Kasra Khadem Wednesday, Sept. 12, 2018Wed, Sep 12, 2018

College junior Charles Richardson is an adamant opponent of Penn's recruiting culture. Regularly complaining about the detrimental effects of pre-professionalism and writing fiery Op-Eds on the matter, Richardson wants no part in the madness known as "On-Campus Recruitment." It is for this reason that many of his friends were shocked to witness Richardson entering class on Monday morning dressed head-to-toe in business formal (with a tie and everything).

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Itchy Tag on New Shirt First Thing Junior Hates More Than Self

NEWS | UTB Staff Tuesday, Sept. 11, 2018Tue, Sep 11, 2018

For decades, self-esteem of College junior Joelle Simmons has been low. While most in her demographic of white, upper middle class, Ivy League women have mid-level self-esteem, often referring to themselves as “fine” or “a little bloated,” Simmons’ self-esteem was far lower. One close friend noted that Simmons’ self-esteem was so low, her automatic email sign off was simply, “I’m sorry.”

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PennApps' New Shower Stations Go Unused

NEWS | Seth Fein Tuesday, Sept. 11, 2018Tue, Sep 11, 2018

In response to the overwhelming stench which wafted through the hallways of the Towne building during PennApps 2017, this year’s organizers decided to place fully-functional shower booths at each corner of the event space. Surprising to nobody but unfortunate to many, these booths remained empty for the entire weekend.

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What Freshmen Had to Say About the Annual NSO Masquerade Orgy

NEWS | Jonah Weinbaum Monday, Sept. 10, 2018Mon, Sep 10, 2018

While you may have attended the toga party during your orientation week, hopefully you didn't miss out on Penn's Annual NSO Masquerade Orgy. Always a hit amongst freshmen, staff, faculty, and alumni alike, we checked in with some (anonymous) underclassmen to get their reactions on the event.

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Girl Who Spent Summer Masturbating Out of Boredom Can't Wait to Masturbate to Relieve Stress

NEWS | Allen Zhu Sunday, Sept. 9, 2018Sun, Sep 9, 2018

While most Penn students spent their summers at world-class internships or lamenting the fact that they didn’t get one, college sophomore Rissy Clitto, Jr. had different plans. Clitto apparently spent the “vast majority of the summer masturbating in her room, only ever coming out to eat and go to the bathroom,” her mother, Rissy Clitto, Sr. stated in an interview.

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Smart: This Company Will Pay For Your College Education in Exchange for Just Your Organs

NEWS | Becky Molinoff Saturday, Sept. 8, 2018Sat, Sep 8, 2018

Have you ever found yourself wishing that college wasn’t so expensive? Have you ever thought to yourself, "I don’t even know what half of my organs are for?" Well, if you happen to have done both of those things, you're in luck! Organic Education is offering college students the deal of a lifetime—they will pay for your college education in exchange for just your organs.

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