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Science Explains: Homophobes Are Extra Active This Month Because Mercury Is in Heterograde

NEWS | Becky Molinoff
Mon, Sep 24, 2018

Mercury is only in heterograde once every eight months or so, but the effects are significant enough that astrologists have spent considerable time studying it. Heterograde occurs when Mercury nears the end of its orbit around Earth, when two of Earth’s moons create a sort of frame around the planet. Similar to more commonly discussed retrograde, where Mercury appears to be moving backwards, during heterograde, Mercury appears to be wearing salmon shorts, vaping, and adding the phrase “no homo” to any expression of camaraderie with a member of the same sex.

Holy Shit! Freshman Stepped on Compass, Got Wrecked by Midterm

NEWS | Karman Cheema
Mon, Sep 24, 2018

Kevin Jeffress (E ’22) was off to a hot start at Penn. He had a seamless move-in experience, an unforgettable NSO, and managed to go to Pottruck every single morning for close to a month. Everything changed, however, the moment Jeffress stepped on the Compass en route to the Upper Quad Gate. Six hours later, he fell victim to a Math 114 midterm. 

mercury in heterograde.png

Science Explains: Homophobes Are Extra Active This Month Because Mercury Is in Heterograde

NEWS | Becky Molinoff Monday, Sept. 24, 2018Mon, Sep 24, 2018

Mercury is only in heterograde once every eight months or so, but the effects are significant enough that astrologists have spent considerable time studying it. Heterograde occurs when Mercury nears the end of its orbit around Earth, when two of Earth’s moons create a sort of frame around the planet. Similar to more commonly discussed retrograde, where Mercury appears to be moving backwards, during heterograde, Mercury appears to be wearing salmon shorts, vaping, and adding the phrase “no homo” to any expression of camaraderie with a member of the same sex.

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Students With No Experience or Knowledge Compete to Be Consultants Providing Companies Their Experience and Knowledge

NEWS | Charlie Sosnick Monday, Sept. 24, 2018Mon, Sep 24, 2018

A record number of inexperienced, unknowledgeable students are participating in on-campus recruitment for top consulting firms, positions that would pay them for their experience and knowledge. Michael Burke (E ’19) completed a second round interview with Boston Consulting Group. “I’m interested in consulting because you get to use your expertise to help companies solve their problems,” Michael said. “It’s cool because I am not an expert in anything and I’ve never solved a single problem, but they’ll still pay me to do that.”

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Holy Shit! Freshman Stepped on Compass, Got Wrecked by Midterm

NEWS | Karman Cheema Monday, Sept. 24, 2018Mon, Sep 24, 2018

Kevin Jeffress (E ’22) was off to a hot start at Penn. He had a seamless move-in experience, an unforgettable NSO, and managed to go to Pottruck every single morning for close to a month. Everything changed, however, the moment Jeffress stepped on the Compass en route to the Upper Quad Gate. Six hours later, he fell victim to a Math 114 midterm. 

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SAC Releases New Guidelines for Having Pizza at GBMs

NEWS | Seyoung Kim Sunday, Sept. 23, 2018Sun, Sep 23, 2018

To pursue their mission of promoting a positive club culture on campus, the Undergraduate Assembly and Student Activities Council have partnered to release a set of guidelines on having pizza at club GBMs. The exhaustive rules cover the particularities of which pizza stores are recommended, which toppings are acceptable, and which utensils are necessary for serving pizza.

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Sophomore Wakes up Happy and Excited to Take on Day

NEWS | Sammy Gordon Sunday, Sept. 23, 2018Sun, Sep 23, 2018

College sophomore Alexis Tremblay was woken up by natural light peaking through her blinds.  She looked out her window, saw the blue sky and swaying trees, and thought, “Wow. I’m lucky to be here at Penn.  I have a lot to be thankful for and I am excited to take on this day.”

Photo by Lea Eisenstein / The Daily Pennsylvanian

After Three Years, Senior Still Hopelessly Confused About How to Spell Gutmann

NEWS | Lea Eisenberg Friday, Sept. 21, 2018Fri, Sep 21, 2018

Reflecting back on the past three years, College senior Jason Klipp thought he had Penn just about figured out. He knew the fastest route through campus, the coolest classes in his major, and the best places to drop a deuce between classes. But on Wednesday, it became painfully clear that there was one aspect of Penn life he was never able to master: accurately spelling out the surname of our great leader, Dr. Amy Gutmann.

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BREAKING: Jeb Bush Walks Down Locust, Literally No One Cares

NEWS | Sammy Gordon Wednesday, Sept. 19, 2018Wed, Sep 19, 2018

On Wednesday, University President Amy Gutmann and Provost Wendell Pritchett named former Florida Governor Jeb Bush a non-resident Presidential Professor of Practice for the 2018-2019 academic year. Though few are sure what this actually means for Penn, even fewer care about Jeb Bush at all.

Photo from pxhere / CC0

Watch Out: 28-Year-Old Senior Has Just Been on the Same CIS Waitlist for 7 Years

NEWS | Kasra Khadem Wednesday, Sept. 19, 2018Wed, Sep 19, 2018

Albert Song (E '19) is just one credit away from graduating. He was also one credit away from graduating last year, the year before, and even back in 2011. No, he hasn't taken a gap decade. And no, he hasn't even left Penn. He has spent the past seven years of his life emailing professors, counting down until advance registration, and failing to get into CIS 518: Neural Deep Data Machine Intelligence—the only class that he needs to graduate.

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Sophomore Banished to Hell by Protester Was Already in Electrical Engineering

NEWS | Karman Cheema Sunday, Sept. 16, 2018Sun, Sep 16, 2018

Nick Menon (E ’21) was taking his daily stroll to DRL for an engineering lecture when he saw a large congregation of protesters near College Green. “I just saw a lot of people yelling for no apparent reason. A minute later, I got berated for supporting women’s rights and vaccination, and somebody told me that Dean Furda was the third Antichrist.”

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Schools In! That Means It's Time for Jessica to Confront Her Semi-Exclusive Summer Fling on What the Summer Meant to Him

NEWS | Natalia Joseph Friday, Sept. 14, 2018Fri, Sep 14, 2018

Uh oh! The drunken haze that is NSO has ended, and now Jessica Talluto (C ’21) must confront her boy-toy of five months, Justin Tan (W ’20), about her inevitable feelings for him.  Well, actually, feelings for him isn’t entirely accurate—that is, if he doesn’t want anything serious with her. She’s “chill” and “down for whatever,” a source close to Talluto reveals.  

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