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News


No More Stairs! Pottruck-Goers Must Now Ascend Rock Climbing Wall to Reach Top Floor

Since the big reveal, fitness nuts from all over have tested their mettle on the facility’s indoor climbing wall in a spectacle of blood, sweat, and tears. Running through their minds is just one simple goal: the resplendent glory of being crowned a fourth-floor fitness king.


This Junior Was the First Mortal to Step Inside the Campus Subway: Here's Her Story

"And yeah, so I’ve been trapped working in this Subway ever since."


This Freshman Vomits from Drinking All the Time and That’s Very Cool and Not Concerning

For Freshman Mike Tannenbaum, his new college hobby has become drinking until he vomits — at least once a weak. According to Tannenbaum's friends, they think it’s so fine and cool he has something he’s passionate about and are happy for him and not concerned.


Rock On! Confused Premed Enrolls in 7 Music Courses

His advisor was AWOL, MIA. His altruistic spirit: crushed entirely to a pulp.


BREAKING: Stanford Bad School

Everyone talks about how Stanford is this really good school, but I don’t really understand it. What makes them so special? Is there something I’m missing here?


Student's Superiority and Inferiority Complexes Oscillating Fast Enough to Produce Constant Contentment

While many of his peers are caught in the trap of either being so confident that they misjudge everything or being so insecure that they can barely get out of bed in the morning, Mung found the perfect solution.


Sad: On Campus Rats Shocked to Learn OCR Isn’t About Them

After years of thinking that the University's infamous On Campus Recruiting program was a celebratory rat-pride week called "On Campus Rats," they recently learned the truth. 


The Top 10 Democratic Candidates as Types of Ice Cream

7. Beto O’Rourke: Rolled Ice Cream: Its trendy, expensive, and ultimately exactly the same as other, less expensive and easier to eat ice cream. Looks great on Instagram. 


Penn Reveals "Gregory West" Just a Storage Container in the C '25 Alleyway

The house is set to be finished two weeks ago, as it is simply a storage container in the Class of 25 alleyway, possibly leftover from move-in.


4 Unlined Notebooks That Say "Transcendentalism"

As the new school year dawns, honor theory and demonstrate your intellectual supremacy by freeing yourself from the confines of linear thought.


Junior to Spend Four Months Hiking Through Europe on Pottruck Treadmills

After kissing his girlfriend Vanessa goodbye, Carpenter turned on the treadmill in Pottruck and began his slow, slow hike. He selected Lyon, France as a starting point and looked back at his girlfriend, now crying too as she walked out of the gym.


Gotta Tell 'Em: Your Friend's Band Is Just a Worse Version of the Strokes

Hm, you think. This sounds familiar, and they're not very good.


Engineer Waits Until Add/Drop Deadline to Register for Classes, Spends Entire First Week Stressing out and Playing Minecraft

I don’t know if he understands that engineers don’t get syllabus days, but God I wish I was on the server with him instead of doing the 243 math problems 8 CIS assignments and 2 CAD’s my professors assigned in the first two days of class.


Penn Bookstore Promises a Thousand Curses upon Students’ Firstborns If They Don’t Get Their Textbooks Right Now

Although we tried gently bombarding students with mildly-worded emails, we found that this approach was entirely ineffective.


Happy Year of Data! Penn Releases Spreadsheet Rife with Extremely Sensitive, Personal Student Info

After years of illicitly compiling student profiles and surveillance footage from across campus, Penn’s top scientists are proud to present their newest data-driven achievement.


Career Services Tells Junior to Go Fuck Herself

Upon arriving at her consultation, her career advisor asked her some basic questions about her interests, majors, sexual history, vibes, and previous work experience, entering them all into the artificial intelligence career calculator.


New College Family Furious as Penn Renames New College House after Lauder Family

New College House will be renamed as Lauder College House after a major donation from the Lauder family, which sources say dwarfed the New College family’s by nearly 10 times. The move sent New College patriarch Robert William New College II into a fury.


Bubble Burst! Freshman Shocked to Learn That College Isn't Just Day Drinking and Interior Decoration

When they told me I was taking an engineering course, I thought that meant learning how to change the batteries in my string lights and setting up my Amazon Alexa.


Power Trip! Lucy Gets off on Getting into Frats with Hordes of Freshmen Outside

Freshmen are so annoying. They’re so fucking entitled and think that they can get into any frat they want if they swarm it long enough.


Senior Excited to Graduate from Penn Bubble to Silicon Valley Bubble

While other interns took weekend day trips up to San Francisco, Johnson contented herself with Ubering in an endless loop from Mountain View to Palo Alto, down to Cupertino, and back to Sunnyvale. While her friends went hiking over the Fourth of July weekend, she visited her top Bay Area attractions: Facebook’s campus, Apple’s campus, and Google’s other campus. 


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