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Don’t Kid Yourself: Stress You Are Currently Experiencing Comparable to Past Years

Don’t deceive yourself — this isn’t “literally the end of the world” or “my life is over” kinda stuff, this is pretty much what you signed up for and what you keep signing yourself up for time and time again.


I'm Healing My Inner Child by Posting on Sidechat

He has a spelling test tomorrow. 


Penn SHS Recommends Receiving 100 Backshots Before Bed to Avoid Freshman Flu

My girlfriend is anyways too ugly to hit from the front, so this is a great excuse.


Uh Oh! This Class Is Interesting, But the People in It Are Ugly and Weird

Unfortunately, the other students in this class are ugly and weird. Many of them seem to think they’re watching a Twitch live stream, saying “Poggers!” or “10,000 IQ” every time the professor says anything.


Penn Unveils Map&Compass@Penn to Navigate Path@Penn

“Path@Penn is truly uncharted territory”, says academic advisor Moma. “I am very proud that Penn students are approaching the danger and unknown of Path@Penn dauntlessly. The students who have perished while pushing the frontiers of Path@Penn will not have died in vain."


Hey Freshmen! Where Your Parents Work Is Not an Icebreaker

Contrary to 19th-century thought, your parents’ income is no longer a personality trait, virtue, or attraction.  


Unfair Advantage: Depressed, Hermetic Students Excel at Philosophy

“Students who feel like there is no place for them in society outperform their peers by an exceptional margin,” philosophy chair Sally Rosencrantz reported.


Damn: Kid I Bullied in High School Actually Doing Pretty Well for Himself

It’s so surreal to see the guy whose tighty-whities I hoisted up on the school flagpole that one time in 10th grade really carve a niche out for himself, you know what I mean?


Seven Noise-Canceling Headphones To Wear Around Your Friend Who Just Returned From Abroad

“I’m baaaaaaack!” says your friend who just returned from Europe after a semester of doing the bare minimum and exceeding all expectations for the amount one person can post on Instagram.


Penn to Send Unused Meal Swipes in Form of Soggy Pizza, Moldy Strawberries to Ukraine

 The dining hall is not the only organization on campus to have offered donations to Ukraine. PennCAPS has offered to donate its counseling services, but Ukraine has rejected the offer, citing poor quality of the program.  


Success! Week-Long Mask Mandate Totally 100% Effective

The novel Coronavirus has been eradicated, thanks to your 7 day compliance. Yay! 


Oh No! Penn Loses Entire Endowment Betting on High-Stakes UNO

Accompanied by a “¯\_(ツ)_/¯” emoticon and the writing “oopsy-daisy” was the announcement that Penn has declared bankruptcy.


What's on the Lauder Dining Hall Menu? Pap Smears of Wagyu

Penn has been championing interdisciplinary creativity for decades; intertwining gastronomy and gynecology is no exception.


I Now Only Go to Acme with the Hopes of an Anvil Falling On My Head

 I thought to myself, I really am just like the coyote. I spend so much time and effort trying to catch this fast blue bird, which is metaphorical to some higher unspecified goal. But all that amounts to is just repeatedly dropping an anvil on my head. 


Self-Efficacy! CAPS Told Me To “Apply Myself”

That idea had literally never passed through my vapid little brain, so I’m really excited to try it out on my two presentations, six reflections, three final papers, and four exams due this coming week. 


Penn LGBT Center Says You Can Use “Gay” in a Derogatory Way Again

In a press release today, Penn’s LGBT center, home of free printing on campus and nothing else, announced that it is now acceptable to describe things you dislike as “gay.”


DOWNLOAD THIS APP OR ELSE (Free Insomnia xx)

This app– it’s so good. And I’m hardly being paid to say that. 


Two Can Play This Game: Your Therapist Also Texts During Your Session

As he nods along, stone-faced, his eyes look down and his face is lit from below.


Path@Penn Is a Convenient, High-Tech, Innovative, Yet Nostalgic Website for All Your Needs

Sure, right now, some parts of you are still PennInTouch and sometime this summer you and PennInTouch will merge into one supreme life form. But for now, I love seeing you as you are.


Instructive Handwashing Posters To Be Replaced With Step-by-Step Toothbrushing Guides

After two and a half years behind masks at all times in all public settings, students have not only developed intense blackheads; they’ve also been fomenting some seriously dangerous bad breath. The University has taken decisive steps to combat this new threat to public health.  


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