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News


Letting Go of Your Forced Roommate Friendship Now that You Have Real Friends: A Freshman's Guide

Here are some tips for scraping off the roommate barnacle cramping your style now that you're done pretending you have anything in common.


Exposé: 34th Street Offices Actually on 40th

My personal faith in our media institutions have been shaken- what's next, The Statesman not actually having any of the respectability or basic moral decency that such a title invokes? Absolutely unthinkable.


Perry World House to Invite Non-white War Criminals for Once

Another leap forward for diversity! In an attempt to respond to students’ demand for equality, Perry World House announced its new initiative to invite war criminals of all colors to come speak and defend their infringement on human rights.


Snickering Group of Penn Professors Admit They Made Math Up For April Fools 1981

“Did you guys seriously think all of that crap was real?” Professor Joseph Godin remarked, wiping tears of mirth from his eyes. “Oh my goodness.”


Quiz: Which Under the Button Writers Should Get Some Help Right Now?

Our die-hard fans know — sometimes, UTB writers seem very sad and not ok. Our fans are not wrong! Some of our writers should get some help right now. 


BREAKING: West and Down Closed Permanently Following Failed Vibe Check

The sick, twisted minds behind West and Down will be moving their establishment to an abandoned fish factory in Croatia. The owners said, “We are really excited about the new direction of West and Down, and we know our business model will flourish at Skuša-Šnjur Tvornica.”


Friends Concerned Kelsey not Drinking Enough Alcohol

“Kelsey just drinks a frighteningly small amount,” said a friend who wanted to remain anonymous.


BREAKING: Penn Finally Brings Down the IAA, the Only Group on Campus That Does Hazing of Any Kind

The evil, tormented individuals leading the IAA forced their freshmen to degrade themselves through events like, “optional beer pong,” and “get to know the members night,” and despicable “ice breaker activities.”


BREAKING: Penn Biden Center Endorses Bernie Sanders For President

“It ultimately came down to us endorsing a candidate we thought could stay awake during a Congressional hearing,” the Center wrote in a statement. “Mr. Biden isn’t senile… but he’s not not senile.” 


Sad! This Senior Missed the Deadline to Add Friends

She needed to drop all her old friends before she could add the new ones because they just wouldn’t fit together. Unfortunately, as well-intentioned as her plan was, it was doomed to fail. Homstaller was not paying enough attention to the add deadline and ended up dropping all of her friends just before the deadline passed.


How Faithful! Roommate Prays “Oh God, Yes” and Claps Softly In Bed

I’ll tell him that he shouldn’t be embarrassed about his nightly holy prayer and that he’s free to perform it whether I’m asleep or not. As long as he doesn't insist for me to join him.  


Girl Who Bullet Journals Daily Actually a Freak in Bed

When pressed, Moffit admitted that she can only achieve orgasm if there is a Leuchtturm1917 college-ruled notebook in her immediate vicinity.


‘The Walk’ Rebrands to ‘The Strut’ in Bid to Increase Panache

Everyone knows that a strut is trendier than a walk, so it should come as no shock that the highly vaunted magazine has chosen this name. The real question is, what took them so long?


Queen Shit! McKenzie Blacked Out Again Last Night

McKenzie was really feeling herself that night and decided she wanted to share with her devoted Instagram followers just how great she was feeling. And what better way than with a nude on her rinsta! “Iconic!!”


Meet the Self-Proclaimed Communist Working at McKinsey Next Year

"I just think that private enterprise is fundamentally corrupt," remarked Rogers, as he exited his first-class airplane seat returning from his interview which could have easily been conducted via Skype.


Penn Regular Admission Sees Stand-Out Class, Mainly My Little Sister

Joseph, a high school student with an average 5k time, is one of 10 top students in her 80-person private school class. On top of that, she did research at Penn—and not even for a family friend. 


Congratulations! You’ve Been Selected for the Car Table at Distrito

What will you be having tonight? Hmmmm a margarita of course! You’ve worked hard, you deserve a treat. And to eat? Maybe some tofu tacos – something plant-based because you’re such a great person. They only give the car table to the best of the best, you know. 


Meet the New Club Changing Things up at Penn: PennPercs

In a school often singularly focused on chasing prestigious internships and post-graduate job offers, a club providing an avenue for students to let loose with some harmless fun is definitely a breath of fresh air. 


BREAKING: Engineering Students Must Now Learn to “Read” and “Write”

According to reports, the decision that “Penn Engineering students must learn basic literacy” comes after learning that over 90% of the student body couldn’t read the self-help books every incoming freshmen received.


Breaking! Bethany’s Break Was “Soooo goood omgosh how was yours?? How are youu!?”

Walking to class Thursday morning, Jessica saw Bethany for the first time this year. The two girls were walking on Locust when they made eye contact, lost eye contact, and then accidentally made eye contact again.


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