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News


Whole Girl Gang Ready to Develop Deep Hatred of Each Other in Cabo This Spring Break

Mom-friend Carrie Peters is getting ready for the loathing to peak when the quietist of the bunch, Kristy Porter, gets drunk off piña coladas on the beach one afternoon and opens up about every time over the last three years the girl gang fucked her over.


Kanye Names His Child New College House West

Apparently, the Kendall Jenner spotting at City Tap really made quite the impression on campus, and Kanye was thrilled at the news that Penn had decided to name a whole College House after his unborn son.


Math Professor Nakia Rimmer’s Lecture Recordings Sweep Oscars

Math professor Nakia Rimmer’s lecture recordings were a smash success at the 91st Academy Awards last night in Los Angeles. The recordings were nominated for Best Picture, Best Director, Best Original Screenplay, and Best Actor. They won them all.


Penn Admissions Officers Retire en Masse to Avoid 10 Years of Reading Oscar Hopefuls’ Essays

We’ll probably have to close Engineering and Nursing and just dump the endowment on Cinema Studies.


English Major to Graduate Having Read First 10 Pages of Hundreds of Great Books

For the rest of his life, Patrice’s degree in English will be a signal to all that he is a well-read man of letters, capable of discussing a wide range of literature in detail.


Impressive: This Junior Is Somehow Only in One Club

Surprisingly, Beth not only has a social life without 4 clubs scheduling her entire weekend, but she also has more time for the almost extinct practices of "exploring the city" and "exercising."


Professor with Stand up Comedy Ambitions Tests Material on Captive Class

Much of his material is based on class topics, which is hard for an audience that hasn’t done the reading since syllabus week. The rest mostly revolves around his children, married life, a little bit of politics, and nineteenth century ventriloquism.


Fraternity Plans Spring Break Trip to Southeast Asia to ‘Find Themselves’

Maybe one of them will even take a yoga class while immersing himself in the wonders of Southeast Asia.


Student Unsure of How Much Detail of Gastrointestinal Distress to Include in Extension Request

There's no way I'm gonna be able to get it done, considering I've been on the toilet for the past 13 hours.


Greasy Student on Outermost Seat Effectively Claims Entire Lecture Row as Territory

Although students without seats could bypass Wong by crawling over him and his luggage, his territory went unchallenged for the duration of the lecture due to his musky smell and greasy appearance.


Annenberg Running Club Catches Infamous Drug Lord in Serbia

"This is just what we do now. After catching that local criminal, we were ready to take on a larger challenge.  And that’s exactly what we did.” Throughout our interview, Despereaux licked what appeared to be blood off of a large machete, which, according to the professor, “has severed its fair share of drug lord limbs.”


BREAKING: Sophomore Sells Hair on Dark Web to Afford Big/Little Week

Her pixie cut isn’t the identity crisis you think it is.


"Guess I Can't Intern at Amazon Now," Says Student with No Previous Chance of Interning at Amazon

As of last week, Amazon pulled out of their HQ2 plans for Queens, closing off anticipated job opportunities for many. So, basically, as of last week, senior Whartonite Jeremy Anders’ life was ruined.


Student Shocked to Find Annoying Kid Making Loud Comments in Lecture Recording Is Himself

Earlier that day, he sat down to speed watch his lecture for his exam only to find it loudly interrupted periodically by a side conversation of two boys in the back.


My God, How Did This Happen?! Says Senior After Seven Hours in CVS

“I came in here for a roll of toilet paper, but then I saw that face masks were on sale, and after that it’s a blur.” 


“I Don’t Talk About My Pulitzer a Lot,” Says Professor 5 Minutes into First Class

Five minutes into the first class, he could already tell what was on students' minds — that they were in a class with a professor who won a Pulitzer back in ‘82.


See Ya, Sean! Jenny Is Practicing Zero-Waste, and You Didn’t Make the Cut

Along with using lots of Tupperware, Jenny is extending this mindset to other aspects of her life.


Report: Gutmann and Biden Will Make Small Talk for an Hour on Stage, and You'll Love It

The conversation should last for around 15 or 20 minutes, depending how much mileage the two can squeeze out of their initial weather conversation.


Anime Club Member Deciding Which Body Pillow to Take to Date Night

"Hinata is so beautiful and we have great chemistry, but Sawako is such a good friend and so fun to dance with.”


5 Mixed Drinks That Scream, "I Won't Be Able to Get Hard Tonight"

You know one thing for sure: no matter what happens, you will not be getting hard tonight.


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