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News


Penn Sees Largest Applicant Pool to Date Thanks to 44,960 Naïve Fools in Over Their Heads

Penn has none other to thank than the 44,960 sweet summer children across the world who are sheltered from the harsh cruelties of the real world and think Penn would be the right choice for them. Ha ha ha, I laugh. How verily foolish of them. 


BREAKING: All the Thoughts You Recorded in Your Notes App Last Night Make No Sense

I’m pretty sure we went to Fishtown to meet a bald friend, who I think I found from the ‘Bald Friend’ contact in my phone.


Sophomore Excited to Fake Way through Conversations about Movie 'Us' This Month

Martin is especially looking forward to engaging over the films many themes, which, from the trailer, appear to range from “having a twin” to “definitely race in America.” 


Letter from the Editor: Enough is Enough, No More Fake News

I cannot imagine a more grotesque abuse of journalistic power. You, loyal readers, put your trust in us and we let you down. From the bottom of my heart, I am sorry. 


What in Tarnation? This Student from the South Doesn't Even Have a Country Accent

As it turns out, Ennis leads a pretty normal college life. She doesn’t practice shooting tin cans with a .22, but she does enjoy yoga and biking. You won't see her riding a horse around campus; she prefers Uber.


Yikes: A Professor Accidentally Played Porn in Class, and It Wasn't Even Anything Interesting

It wasn't interracial. It wasn't queer in any way, even though the guy did have pretty long hair. The couple didn't even have any tattoos. What year is it, 1971? 


Hero in Our Midst: Tall White Guy Turns on Projector for Professor

But God willing, Jared Donovan was there to save the day. 


Study: Mo Bamba #1 Cause of Jonathan Saying the N-Word

We certainly expect the trend to die down in a few weeks and for Jonathan to return to saying the N-word for other unjustifiable reasons.


Cute: This Professor Assigns Reading for His Lecture Class

You're students, he imagines, so you're here to learn. Right?


The Collctve Goes on Wheel of Fortune to Buy a Vowel

Last weekend, club leadership went on the game show Wheel of Fortune for the sole purpose of purchasing two vowels. While things got off to a slow start when Collctve president Justin Davies (C ‘20) accidentally bought an O, one of the few vowels the Collctve already had, eventually the club rebounded and bought the proper letters.


Jeb Bush Stresses Importance of Limited Government Unless He Can Be Part of It

Later in the talk, Bush said that he believes that government needs hard limits, and that restriction extended to term limits, which Bush believes should be put in place in all situations except for “if I get elected. When. When I get elected."


New Research Says Minimum Wage Should Be Tied to Price of Vladimir Vodka

People from all political walks of life have decried the $7.50 an hour minimum wage. Finally, some concrete evidence has come to support an increase.


Constructive! Professor's Response to Your Cry for Help Not Only Insulting, but Felt like a Swift Kick to the Gut

Sources say you reportedly had some trouble with the weekly problem set last night. Desperately seeking assistance, you turned to the class’s Piazza board and left what you thought would be a benign plea for help. How wrong you were.


Warm Weather Gives Depressed Student False Glimmer of Happiness

I cancelled my CAPS appointment, I am going to dye my hair pink and give myself bangs tonight, and I’m not worried about my four overdue problem sets.


Friend Group Ready to 'Go Wild' and Sneak Bag of Skinny Pop Into Movie Theater

Cinemark was half-price, so Emily, Angela, Liam, Brandon, and Alexis were ready to have a wild night (Raquel couldn’t make it. She has an exam tomorrow, and she is so behind smh.).


So Close! Verizon Now Covers the Whole Mojave Desert but Not Fresh Grocer

Did you know that Verizon leads the nation in every conceivable category? Best coverage, best customer service, best plans. Hell, they’re now the best man at your wedding, whether you like it or not.


Going Green! Penn Closes Frontera in Effort to Decrease Gas Emissions from Students

Penn researchers have found that a harsh 92 percent of Penn's greenhouse gas emissions are linked to Frontera consumption.


Gaga Googoo: This Big Baby Is Drinking Pedialyte in Bed Because He Can't Stand

Brandon’s been in bed for so long today, you better hope the soft part of his skull didn’t get dented.


BREAKING: Looking to Buy One Magic Gardens Ticket

Look, I get it. You have big plans to roll with your squad, but no drug feels better than the joy of giving. Ecstasy who? Help me out.  


There's No Mumps Outbreak, Wendell Pritchett Just Really Wanted to Use "Inflamed Testicles" in a Mass Email

Upon further inquiry, UTB staff confirms that there isn’t, in fact, a mumps outbreak. Vice Provost Wendell Pritchett simply wanted the opportunity to make the words “inflamed testicles” appear in the inboxes of 8,000 undergraduate students.


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