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News


Super Sad! Girl Playing Hard To Get Gets Nothing

What? She doesn't like it when you ignore her? Oh, poor girl :( BOO HOO :(


Reclaimed! ONLY Women Allowed To Be In Kitchen, Eat

We expect the male population to fully die off within the next few months. From there, we will procreate with each other using IVF.


Gift With Purchase: The Kombucha in Acme is Free if You Want it to be

When you get to the checkout line, you really only have to pay for one out of every ten or eleven items you plan on leaving with.


Attention Whore? This Girl Walks on Locust

During her 90-second stroll, she waved to six acquaintances, had an elongated chat with a friend from freshman year, and was seen by half of the undergraduate population at the University of Pennsylvania. 


BREAKING: Girl Feeling an Emotion at a Location on Campus

Girl entered a natural instinctive state of mind deriving from her circumstances, mood, and/ or relationships at a particular space in the general grounds and/ or buildings of the University of Pennsylvania. 


UTB Endorses Xi Jinping for Reelection as Chairman at 2022 National Congress of Chinese Politburo

The renewal of Xi’s term as Chairman is the only realistic way to realize the Great Renaissance of the Chinese Nation. 


BREAKING! Wharton to Require Mandatory Nepotism Training

Wharton’s nepotism training program will be a rigorous course, including sections such as how to pick which family friend in the top 1% wealth bracket to get your letter of recommendation from and how to casually mention in interviews that you vacation in the Hamptons every summer.


We Counted: Seven (7) Penn Students Have Green Passes

This morning, close to 10,000 undergraduates out of a population of 10,000 undergraduates received red passes. 


Get Over Yourself: Student Really Using Umbrella in Scanty Drizzle

Eyewitnesses say that there was no way, given the minimal amount of moisture in the atmosphere, that he actually needed to parade his umbrella around for the world to see.


Girl With 5 Hour Daily Screen Time Simply Does Not Have Time To Read Class Material

"I don’t know how I can be expected to read all of that material when I also have to dedicate at least five hours a day to mindlessly scrolling through my phone.” 


Oh No, Our Pledges Just Unionized

First, they demand to be “treated like humans”. What type of communist bullshit is this? 


BREAKING! Toys R Us to Rebrand to Women B Shopping.

Women Do B Shopping Sometimes.


Oh Wow! Question Somehow Manages to Fall Below “No Stupid Questions” Threshold

“If I’d known that I had such dipshits in my class, I would’ve blocked off questioning entirely.”


SHOCKING: Students Question Reality as Campus Wi-Fi Functions for 5 Consecutive Minutes

We recognize that this may be the last UTB article you ever read, and we ever write; in that spirit, remember, as you are consumed by the void, that life was always meaningless.


'Good Work, Team' Says Guy in Your Recitation Who Ignored All Your Suggestions

What he lacks in experience, competence, and general knowledge from the reading and/or lecture, Josh more than makes up for in confidence. 


Op-Ed: Front Row Texters Should Be Compensated as Honorary Lecturers

Perhaps with incentive, they could teach professors to intentionally reveal their Grindr histories and takeout orders while lecturing about far less riveting topics like Oscar Wilde.


BREAKING Report: Huntsman Building Was Shaped to Reinforce Penn’s Phallocentrism

The debate is fierce ... the question is, what would you do?


New Waste Reduction Initiative Requires Students to Eat Out of Dining Hall Workers’ Cupped Hands

The sustainability team also encourages sucking their fingers clean in order to get every last tasty drop.


If Wharton Students Are Competent, Why Do They Have Seating Charts?

Wharton has actually seen such success with their seating charts that they are publishing some new classroom policies. In Wharton classes, you now have to raise your hand when you want to use the bathroom and at the end of the semester if you get good grades you can go to the scholastic book fair.


Local White Kid Confused After Not Being Given ‘Priority Access’ to Club Applications

If you can support in any way, he'll take donations by check. 


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