Just one problem Lizzy – where are we gonna get all that lame green and brown shit that needs to go in the biopond?

Like waaaaaatch me leave this freaking darty luv

"Don't worry brother, you're definitely gonna catch me on campus next year,"

Chinese-American student Ariana Grande (C’23) was present at the manifestation of the omen. 

“It’s great to see the folks every now and then. It’s so important to build a strong network."

Inshallah sorority sisters will lovingly adopt the hijab and fraternity brothers will embrace polygamy over cheating.

"How can a man love mother nature if they cannot love women?"

The news comes only weeks after reports that Penn alumnus Mehmet Oz (Med, W ‘86) directed medical experiments which led to the deaths of over 300 dogs. 

Alabama’s star quarterback Bryce Young has entered the transfer portal in hopes of avoiding the menacing Quaker D-line.

What started as a laid-back night of vibes with the brothers evolved into... a chill kickback with the brothers and a few of their friends.

“Ending the University’s support of fossil fuels has always been a priority of ours,” she said as the Board of Trustees giggled behind her. 

A halal cart menu hack! 

“We project that [Josh Williamson’s] life satisfaction will truly reach a global maximum at 2:23 am tonight,” says Dr. Michael Harrison, director of the Center for Lost Connections and Lifelong Regrets.

No like genuinely why do they always smell like salty day-old spinach

Hell yeah. I see you, brother. I come to you. One day I will weep for this. 

Schmitt founded the Treble Cough acapella group to do just that: amplify the sounds of Penn’s most prolific disruptive coughers.

After all, her son was both an Economics major and a short king. Legend.

Eyewitnesses report a shorter woman in a trench coat throwing shoes on wires in an attempt to change the campus's optics.

I don’t know what they’re saying or what Pepas means, but right at that moment, this shindig became legendary.

He got a FAANG acceptance!