News
I Lived It: My Roommate Boiled Her Menstrual Cup in My Electric Kettle
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have a few pairs of Thinx period panties in my drawer, but this was too far.
Victory! Company Gentrifying McDonald’s Is Owned by Women and Minority
“Who gives a fuck?” responded one West Philly resident interviewed by UTB. Future investigative work will be needed to determine why West Philly is so ungrateful.
Tsk Tsk! Girl Wears Dr. Martens Without Platforms
Is this what the democratic ideals of our nation have led to?
Startup Ambassadors Ditch Insomnia Cookies, Now Offer Toothy, Egregious Head if You Download Their App
Nearly 3000 of my current suitors flocked to witness me; I felt like that girl who sings a lot in Les Mis (I have never seen this movie).
Proposed Biopond Expansion Delayed Due to Lack of Portable, Ready-Made Biopond Cubes At Home Depot
Just one problem Lizzy – where are we gonna get all that lame green and brown shit that needs to go in the biopond?
BREAKING! Alum Abruptly Leaves Homecoming Darty to Take a "Work Call," Makes Sure You Know This
Like waaaaaatch me leave this freaking darty luv
Dude Who Is Already A Fifth-Year Senior Can't Wait For Homecoming Next Year
"Don't worry brother, you're definitely gonna catch me on campus next year,"
One Child Nation! Chinese International Realizes on a Night Out That She in Fact Does Not Know a Brother
Chinese-American student Ariana Grande (C’23) was present at the manifestation of the omen.
Wharton Student Has Successful Coffee Chat With Parents Visiting For Homecoming
“It’s great to see the folks every now and then. It’s so important to build a strong network."
Penn to Divert Funds from Middle East Center Towards Implementation of Sharia Law in Frats
Inshallah sorority sisters will lovingly adopt the hijab and fraternity brothers will embrace polygamy over cheating.
Fossil Free Tent People’s Newest Water Saving Demand: End Douching
"How can a man love mother nature if they cannot love women?"
Penn Tops "Most Cartoonishly Evil Alumni" List for Third Year in a Row
The news comes only weeks after reports that Penn alumnus Mehmet Oz (Med, W ‘86) directed medical experiments which led to the deaths of over 300 dogs.
Undefeated Penn Football Team Will Now Face Alabama at Homecoming Game
Alabama’s star quarterback Bryce Young has entered the transfer portal in hopes of avoiding the menacing Quaker D-line.
Emotional Scene: On-Campus Fraternity Brothers Disheartened as Their Party Overlooked by Fun Police
What started as a laid-back night of vibes with the brothers evolved into... a chill kickback with the brothers and a few of their friends.
Magill Announces Fossil Fuel Divestment, Crosses Fingers Behind Her Back
“Ending the University’s support of fossil fuels has always been a priority of ours,” she said as the Board of Trustees giggled behind her.
University City Gyro Entrées to Include Free bell hooks Excerpts (While Supplies Last)
A halal cart menu hack!
Heartbreaking: Local Frat Brother Remains Blissfully Unaware That His Life Will Peak in 17 Hours and 21 Minutes
“We project that [Josh Williamson’s] life satisfaction will truly reach a global maximum at 2:23 am tonight,” says Dr. Michael Harrison, director of the Center for Lost Connections and Lifelong Regrets.
Shocking! Worst Looking Frat Brother is Worst Smelling Person at Pottruck
No like genuinely why do they always smell like salty day-old spinach
Oh, Hell Yeah: I Run Into My Best Friend at One of the Two Locations We Always Frequent on Campus
Hell yeah. I see you, brother. I come to you. One day I will weep for this.
Penn to Unveil New A Cappella Group Made Up of Just People Coughing in Fisher Fine Arts Library
Schmitt founded the Treble Cough acapella group to do just that: amplify the sounds of Penn’s most prolific disruptive coughers.