Students eagerly awaited someone who would be radically different than the lecturer who’d accounted for a whopping 27 hours of their online shopping time.

In order to shield any nerd who might decide to wear a mask at such a late hour from ridicule, Allegro has decided to fully ban masks in the interest of safety. 

Tired of indolence on the part of faculty and students, Stewart took the matter into his own hands by converting a non-necessary part of his dorm room, his roommateu2019s half of the room, into a fully functioning compost pile. 

“Screw it, release the dolphins,” Director of Residential Services Justin Hopper muttered, staring at the water leaking out the windows on the 22nd floor.

One moment I was by my laptop, about to type away my lab report. And then the next, I was high out of my mind. Absolutely nothing happened in between. I was as confused as you are.

Meet the man who is single-handedly reversing gender roles and saving damsels in distress.

No, I cannot clean my dinner off the dining room table because I am having a “bad brain day.”

After binge watching all the Timothée Chalamet movies that she could get her pissy, grubby little paws on, she developed an unfortunate main character complex. 

To make matters worse, he told them by custom bitmoji.

If I am being honest, I would rather eat nails and shit them out one by one than walk.

After substantial criminology work including DNA samples, black light samples, saliva tests, interviews, and anal probing, we were able to uncover that Williams did indeed lie about her age, hence her altercation with NOTO security.

“It’s about time!” Penn student Robbie Davis (C ‘22) yelled with jubilation. “Now, can we do something about this? It’s having an adverse effect on my sleep hygiene and severely impacting my overall mood, well-being, and productivity.”

"Mental health issues? Sure, lots of people have mental health issues. But don’t make it my problem."

“We’ve got essays coming in with that phrase written over and over again, sometimes overlapping on top of each other, sometimes with all the letters scrambled up and strung haphazardly across the page,” English professor Kent Poulin said with a bewildered look. “Wait a minute, since when do you guys use typewriters?”

The discovery originated after multiple students reported receiving emails from an address claiming to be ‘Penn Athletics’. These emails offered all kinds of prizes to incentivize students to attend a supposed football game at a suspicious location referred to as ‘Franklin Field’. 

Since this person’s RSVP, the fraternity that is throwing the downtown as well as the mass that will be in attendance have been awaiting the final decision as to whether he will deign to grace the venue in bated breath. 

Like, you guys can see this stuff, like what I’m writing right now? Hm? My articles have been publicly viewable this whole time? Oh… that explains a lot.

“At first, I was panicking because I thought I had missed anthropology recitation,” Wright related, rubbing his eyes. “But then I saw the remnants of existence decaying around me, and I knew that I had bigger problems to deal with.”

Students will continue to carry all of their shit from table to table on the first floor of Van Pelt, in search of one of the elusive outlets that work 24/7. 

Just because people feel like they need an "equal opportunity for education" doesn’t mean we can provide it.