News


​Passive Roommate Declares Individualized Major in Chef and Maid

A common trend across all of Penn's undergraduate schools is that students tend to change their mind about what they want to study. Some start off in Engineering and switch into the College, while others come in as English majors and end up doing chemistry. This Wharton student has a similar story.


​Jewish Frat Mistaken For Hip-Hop Dance Group Due To Matching Sweatpants

Uh oh! This guy thought a Jewish fraternity was a hip-hop dance troupe just because the members were wearing matching, tailored sweatpants!


Street Preacher Successfully Converts Two Tour Groups to Pentecostalism

Often seen shouting obscenities and threatening women, the street preacher rarely persuades many students. However, two groups of prospective students touring Penn found his unique brand of radical Christianity and millennialism enticing enough to join his small fundamentalist cult.


3 Types of Yarn You Can Knit This Summer While All Your Friends Are Interning at Hedge Funds

You probably know that a ton of your friends will be spending their summers in the Big Apple working in finance. Lucky for you, you have nothing to do at all from June until August! It is only fitting that you take up a new and exciting hobby.


BREAKING: Biopond Turtles Feel Incredible Today

Today is a really good day to be a biopond turtle.


Penn Students Now Bandwagon Fans of Every Philadelphia Sports Team Except the Phillies

“I’ve been a fan of the ‘Sixers since Dr. J joined the team in ‘76,” Wharton freshman Billy Hayes said. “Been trusting the process all along, and it’s finally starting to pay off.”


New Deli at Franklin's Table Bites the Bullet and Names Itself 'Product of Gentrification'

Franklin’s Table recently opened at 36th and Walnut, and it has already drawn criticism from the Penn community for its steep prices and inaccessibility to locals.


​Fraternity Filthy Rushes Class of 2022

Fraternity rush is competitive. There is only a finite number of perfectly preppy boys to go around. That’s why this year some brothers have been going to Quaker Days, where they are on the lookout for any future students that have that to-be swagger.


​Fate of Entire Evening Left Up to Copa ID Scanner

Kathleen Grover (C ’21) and her friends were so excited when the IDGod order shipped. They couldn’t wait to hit up every happy hour at Copa and Distrito.


Penn to Install Air Conditioners On All Incoming Freshmen, Saving Millions In Renovations

Right after accepting the Class of 2022, the Penn administration dropped a policy bombshell: starting this fall, all incoming freshmen will have state-of-the-art air conditioners installed directly on their persons. Incredible!


Girl Scrolling on Phone in Bedroom Forced to Get Up, Go to Class, Scroll on Phone in Lecture

College sophomore Leila Michaels got a taste of reality while browsing her social media feeds last Wednesday. At 10:48 a.m.


Penn's Class of 2022: By the Numbers

This increase of almost 5,000 applicants has pushed Penn’s acceptance rate down to a record-breaking “not as low as Harvard’s.”


International Student in $500 Yeezy T-Shirt Confuses Kanye with Tupac

Contrary to her ostensible enthusiasm for Kanye West's music and hyper-modern aesthetic, international student Jessica Bishop (W '20), currently wearing a Yeezy brand shirt purchased for $500, still confuses Kanye West with Tupac Shakur.


​Report: Nobody Has Black Heels For Girl With Size 11.5 Feet

6:00 p.m. last Thursday, Jenny Diaz, desperate to find shoes before formal, urgently messaged her hall group chat to see if anyone had size 11.5 black heels she could borrow.


Class of 2022 to Begin Recruiting for Summer 2020 During Quaker Days

Recruiting season continues to get pushed earlier and earlier, and nobody is safe. Not even baby Quakers.


Friend With Radio Show Really Wants You to Listen to Terrible Song

“Yo, check this out,” he messages you. “Up-and-comer for sure.”


Sophomore Throws Party to Celebrate Major Declaration

Bloom is the newest member of the Psychology Department, which means he never again has to meet with his pre-major advisor in the Department of Biochemistry. 


Penn Admissions Distributes 'It’s Been Real' Stickers to Students Also Accepted to Harvard, Princeton, or Yale

Admissions, hats off to you for the creativity and mindfulness.


Study Finds That 89% of Students Who Ride Electric Longboards End Up Sad and Lonely

The data came as no surprise to the team. Junior Andrea Jackson led the effort, and she told Under the Button that this study is the first of a series looking at the differences between regular, sensible people, and those who refuse to walk to class.


Who Did Amy G Pay for That Fling Weather?

I mean, we know the girl’s got a lot of cash, but how much did Amy Gutmann shell out for the gorgeous weather during fling? Like seriously, there’s no way that was natural.


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