News


New Deli at Franklin's Table Bites the Bullet and Names Itself 'Product of Gentrification'

Franklin’s Table recently opened at 36th and Walnut, and it has already drawn criticism from the Penn community for its steep prices and inaccessibility to locals.


​Fraternity Filthy Rushes Class of 2022

Fraternity rush is competitive. There is only a finite number of perfectly preppy boys to go around. That’s why this year some brothers have been going to Quaker Days, where they are on the lookout for any future students that have that to-be swagger.


​Fate of Entire Evening Left Up to Copa ID Scanner

Kathleen Grover (C ’21) and her friends were so excited when the IDGod order shipped. They couldn’t wait to hit up every happy hour at Copa and Distrito.


Penn to Install Air Conditioners On All Incoming Freshmen, Saving Millions In Renovations

Right after accepting the Class of 2022, the Penn administration dropped a policy bombshell: starting this fall, all incoming freshmen will have state-of-the-art air conditioners installed directly on their persons. Incredible!


Girl Scrolling on Phone in Bedroom Forced to Get Up, Go to Class, Scroll on Phone in Lecture

College sophomore Leila Michaels got a taste of reality while browsing her social media feeds last Wednesday. At 10:48 a.m.


Penn's Class of 2022: By the Numbers

This increase of almost 5,000 applicants has pushed Penn’s acceptance rate down to a record-breaking “not as low as Harvard’s.”


International Student in $500 Yeezy T-Shirt Confuses Kanye with Tupac

Contrary to her ostensible enthusiasm for Kanye West's music and hyper-modern aesthetic, international student Jessica Bishop (W '20), currently wearing a Yeezy brand shirt purchased for $500, still confuses Kanye West with Tupac Shakur.


​Report: Nobody Has Black Heels For Girl With Size 11.5 Feet

6:00 p.m. last Thursday, Jenny Diaz, desperate to find shoes before formal, urgently messaged her hall group chat to see if anyone had size 11.5 black heels she could borrow.


Class of 2022 to Begin Recruiting for Summer 2020 During Quaker Days

Recruiting season continues to get pushed earlier and earlier, and nobody is safe. Not even baby Quakers.


Friend With Radio Show Really Wants You to Listen to Terrible Song

“Yo, check this out,” he messages you. “Up-and-comer for sure.”


Sophomore Throws Party to Celebrate Major Declaration

Bloom is the newest member of the Psychology Department, which means he never again has to meet with his pre-major advisor in the Department of Biochemistry. 


Penn Admissions Distributes 'It’s Been Real' Stickers to Students Also Accepted to Harvard, Princeton, or Yale

Admissions, hats off to you for the creativity and mindfulness.


Study Finds That 89% of Students Who Ride Electric Longboards End Up Sad and Lonely

The data came as no surprise to the team. Junior Andrea Jackson led the effort, and she told Under the Button that this study is the first of a series looking at the differences between regular, sensible people, and those who refuse to walk to class.


Who Did Amy G Pay for That Fling Weather?

I mean, we know the girl’s got a lot of cash, but how much did Amy Gutmann shell out for the gorgeous weather during fling? Like seriously, there’s no way that was natural.


Host Shortage Forces 300 Prospective Freshmen to Sleep on College Green

College Green was covered in sleeping high school seniors Thursday night, as a lack of willing hosts forced Quaker Days attendees to embrace the great outdoors.


​SHS Finds 100% Correlation Between Students Who Visit Them and Students Who Have Mono

The discovery was made by sophomore Keith Porbant (C ’20). Every time he would feel a little sick and would pay a visit to Student Health, it would almost become routine that he would end up walking out with a diagnosis of mononucleosis. 


Lame! This Sophomore Attends All Her Classes Because She Signed Up and Her Parents Paid for Them

Recently, UTB met with Sidney Andrews, a sophmore in the College who goes to all of her classes because they’re on her schedule and her parents paid for them. Sorry, wHaT?! Yeah, I’ll repeat.


Weekly Horoscope: Which Pret Sandwich is Your Sign?

The straightforwardness and enthusiasm of an Aries is best characterized by the “Pret’s Ham and Cheese” baguette.


Girl Typing Furiously at Front of Lecture Isn't Actually Taking Notes, Just Messaging 8 Group Chats at Once

Seated in the front row of all of her econ and poli sci classes, PPE senior Janae Lewis always has a Macbook and Venti Starbucks iced black coffee at hand. She types furiously in a caffeine—and sometimes Adderall—fueled daze. She nods at everything the professor says, somehow taking notes even when there’s nothing to take notes on.


'This Club's Actually Pretty Boring,' Scoffs Junior Who Applied 6 Times Before Getting In

Some students define themselves by the clubs they’re part of. Not so with Anna May (E ‘19). Upon entering Penn, she knew that the Squirrel Protection Society (SPS) would be her home for the four years to come.


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