It’s high time we show him what happens when he messes with engineering students.

Students everywhere are saying, “COUGHHH COUGCCougcuoguhghGHCOUGH.” 

It’s closing time. Like Fresh Grocer or Bobby’s Burgers, time to get gone people.

Fernandez has been able to apply her 280-page dissertation by turning on the projector, connecting laptops to the projector, and explaining other details of the projector to Professor Thompson.

Gutmann has been diagnosed with a rare neurological condition: she cannot read or comprehend text that is not in the form of a Change.org petition.

“We strongly encourage everyone to immediately drag the Zoom icon away from their other apps and to run their antivirus at least five times a day.”

What started as an innocent example quickly escalated to a deeply personal tangent about his not-so-platonic love for both Chris Evans and his father.

"I don’t even need to put on pants!"

“Who does he think we are? Cats?” said Engineering freshman Holden Trout. “All he does is point at his wall of text, and read it off to us, while pointing at it with his laser pointer.”

The Louvre — the treasured largest art museum in the world — has not burned down. But if it were to burn down, I would post the above picture on my Instagram.

"My entire family perished in the Great Lanternfly Epidemic of 2019," reported one sad, elderly lanternfly, found preaching on 34th and Walnut — probably named Buggy or something. "Thousands. Gone in a matter of months. Our hospitals were over capacity... our leaders refused to acknowledge the problem until it was too late."

With rightful concern about spreading the coronavirus, a sincere handshake is a little too much personal contact. AirDrop is a much safer way to share the accomplishments of our graduating class without sharing germs. 

Numerous Undergrads Decrying wEaring-pants (NUDE) put out an official statement delineating their position on the crisis.

He refused to tell me how he even entered my apartment and just told me that I need to "get the fuck out of here right now".

Susie details her plan to “give up” as sitting in her room in bed until Easter, eating ramen, watching Netflix, and crying.

The game has 16 million plays and its user approval rating is 98%. Said Richie, “Of course God plays Pandemic 2. He basically crafted it himself.” 

Please save the date! We hope to see you for the class of 2020 Commencement Ceremony at the Amy Gutmann field house on May 17th, 2075!

While he could not claim to have ever even left the Philadelphia area nor will he be allowed to for quite some time, Schurr refused to believe anything could top his weekly commutes.

Rather than ask the instructor-moderated message board for personalized help on her environmental science homework, Mason reportedly orders a full-size supreme pizza every time she hits a roadblock.

First, Fro Gro closes its sacred doors, and now Penn is closing due to the “coronavirus?” Sure, Jan. There’s no way we’re believing that nonsense.