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News


Trust The Process: Mid-Tier Frat Hires Sam Hinkie to Manage Tanking for Better Prospects Next Year

Two years ago, they were stuck in the middle—not bad enough to disband, but not good enough for anyone to show up to their parties.


Finally: Annoying Couple In Friend Group Breaks Up

"There have been about four flukes at this point, and we’ve all gotten our hopes crushed many times when they eventually rekindled their deniable chemistry."


Junior Wearing Penn Apparel Gets Shit On by Bird — Here's What That Pigeon Has to Say

Jeremy Landis (E ’20) returned to his hometown of Dayton, Ohio this past Thanksgiving break feeling particularly thankful for his Penn education — but mostly for his ability to flex his Ivy League apparel in front of relatives and strangers alike.


Laptop Extremely Cold On Defecating Student’s Bare Thighs

The metal underbelly of his MacBook frigid against his sensitive thigh skin, Ryan Glover (C ’19) struggled to operate his laptop computer while on the toilet yesterday.


Student Who Dropped Hydroflask in Middle of Lecture Changes Identity and Moves to New Zealand

But the day Campbell dropped her 64oz stainless steel water vessel from a height of three feet, directly onto the concrete floor of her 1PM CIS lecture in Towne, in the middle of an important slide about linked lists, everything changed. 


Satan Spotted in Writing Seminar Brushing Up on Newest Torture Methods

 "Sinners from Penn kept coming down and saying ‘they’d seen worse’ in their writing seminar classes.” 


Guy Who Wants to 'Smash' Tonight Actually Just Wants a Gaming Buddy

And so, being the enthusiastic fan he is, Corbin donned a tasteful homemade Mario costume and hit the ground running, console and controller in hand, to find a worthy opponent on campus.


Student Walking To Train Station Notes Drexel ‘Actually Kinda Nice’

As Jocelyn Zhao (W ’21) walked to 30th Street Station to catch a train Monday afternoon, she was struck by the observation that Drexel University’s campus is “actually kinda nice.”


Uh Oh! Your Spotify Wrapped Says You Spent 94,564 Minutes Being a Basic Bitch

OMG. The Spotify Wrapped 2018 results are in — you spent 94,564 minutes being basic as hell this year!


ASL Study Group Removed From Fisher Fine Arts for Disturbing the Peace

The Fisher Fine Arts Library prides itself on being “one of the few quiet study places on campus,” according to its website.


Oops! Student Who Based Entire Self-Worth on Grades Starting to Think It Was a Bad Idea

Engineering freshman Sheryl Williams (and former high school NHS president, as she likes to tell people) was shocked to learn that people care about things other than the fact that she got a 33 on her ACT.


Horrific: Student Uses Lush Bath Bomb in Kings Court Bathtub

At around 9:30 p.m. last Thursday, Wharton freshman Philip Saunders used a perfectly good “Golden Wonder” bath bomb from Lush in a grimy Kings Court bathtub.


Fashion Win! This Brave Formal Date Wore A Gray T-Shirt Instead Of A Suit

When Noah Levinson was asked to his current hookup’s sorority date night, he was nervous. 


Your Weekly Horoscope (According to My Roommate's Friend with Benefits)

It was a real honor that you chose me, Patrick Donahue, of all people, to write your weekly horoscope column that you only want me to write once.


Student Health Announces New Holiday Themed Sex-Ed Campaign: Gift Wrap it Up

It’s officially cuffing season and Student Health Services is here to make sure you keep your pecker in checker.


Sophomore to Study Abroad in London After Realizing No Country Speaks Spanish at 140 Level

She had spent the last two months researching Spanish-speaking countries in hopes of finding one where residents only spoke in simple, indicative sentences.


Students Beware: Field Botany Literally Just a Weed-Out Class

“They had us uprooting orchids, roses, tulips, carnations—all in the sweltering hot sun, ” Stewart murmured. “The rumors were true. This really is a weed-out class.” 


Golden Goose Introduces One for One Program: One Pair of Shoes for a One Percent Tax Break for the Wealthy

Golden Goose, a brand for the people, has decided to join the ranks of TOMS and many other altruistic companies. 


Fancy Man Housemate Showing Off Nifty Little Espresso Doodad

The fancy, decadent man you share a house with is currently brewing espresso with his expensive, highly-specialized device.


Meet the Wharton Grads Who Turned Down Wall Street to Launch Their Promising Startup 'Toys Were We'

 “This is a unique business model. Currently, there is not a single store trying to do what we are doing.” 


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