Despite internal feelings that you were, “very weird,” and, “couldn’t stop talking,” you actually appeared as a graceful debutant, making the person you interacted with incredibly nervous, embarrassed, and even ashamed to be in your presence.

Jasmine Ling (C '20), who received a fingernail-bed infection this winter, "doesn't mind that it hurts to type or to even tie [her] shoes. The body takes care of these things."

She will stop for a coffee once, maybe twice. If she grows weary, she will rest on a bench in a public green space.

Hello again. Sorry for ghosting you for a month. I really thought you would forget I exist, but I guess we have Stats together… and Econ… and Intro to Geology. Anyways I would stop going to those classes completely because I hate them, but there’s this super hot girl who I honestly might need as a rebound after we — oh yeah by the way, can we talk?

"This was a major security risk for Grace, her fellow passengers, and ultimately everyone in this airport. We had no choice but to destroy it," TSA Agent Richard Yu told UTB staff.

“Ccc...rrr……... ONCH.” Oh God. Jessica froze. She looked around, the nib of carrot resting on her tongue. Could her classmates hear her? Had they noticed her shame?

Say goodbye to your frontal lobe and say hello to a whole new world! A talented team of specialized doctors have decided that you should not think anymore.

One time I thought I saw her, but it was just a very lifelike looking tree with yellow leaves. And that was in the fall.

A Message From President Gutmann University Notification: Request for a Lit Friday Night Amy Gutmann, President

Look, the joke is in the title. I really don't have that much to say about this. I came up with this while bored in STAT-102. It's not even the professor's fault, he's actually a fairly engaging lecturer. Does that compromise the premise of this article? Maybe.

In a breathtaking feat of courage, President Amy Gutmann has defied student desires and popular opinion by choosing to divest from coal and tar sands while ingeniously remaining invested in all other forms of fossil fuels.

"Whenever I’d go to the bathroom in the middle of a long study period I’d have mascara running down my face from all the tears. Then when I go back to studying I have the newfound knowledge that I’m stupid and ugly."

 “And we will all fit in the suite too. I know three is bigger than four, so two threes should be bigger than three. Four is bigger than three, so the math works out.” 

In a historic first, Period. End of Sentence. has won an Oscar for the second year in a row, with the Academy recognizing the movie as, “so good.”

That’s right. Those grimey little rat boys are getting down and dirty at all hours of the day and night.

College life is when we are most susceptible to STDs. Here are some UTB approved ways to protect yourself against any sexual disease.

Yessiree: a groovy new chewie for the choosy foodie is on duty.

 Wait... does anyone have a cigarette? No pressure, just thirsty. 

Here are some tips for scraping off the roommate barnacle cramping your style now that you're done pretending you have anything in common.

My personal faith in our media institutions have been shaken- what's next, The Statesman not actually having any of the respectability or basic moral decency that such a title invokes? Absolutely unthinkable.