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News


Wow! 18-Year-Old's Cutting OP-ED Sure to Keep Penn Admins Up at Night

Irene Sard (C ‘21) doesn’t hold her punches.


Professor Cancels Class Due to Sadness Over Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande Breakup

Students in BIOL 213: Essentials of Vertebrate Physiology woke up to a pleasant surprise Wednesday morning.


Spooky! Half the People at This Party Have Hand Foot Mouth Disease but We Won’t Say Who

Fall is coming to an end with winter right around the corner, and you know what that means— Halloween szn is here! Every house, club, and frat is ready to throw the freakiest get togethers of the season. None will be more spooky than the upcoming Halloween party at ΒΩΩ.


Watch Out: Sophomore to Lead NOAA After Mentioning He 'Can’t Remember the Last Time October Was This Warm'

Move over OCR, and make room for OAR (Office of Oceanic and Atmospheric Research).


Junior With 2.6 GPA Wonders If New Haircut Costing Her Opportunities At Career Fair

Sally May (C ‘20) was spotted walking from the University City Sheraton Hotel back to her dorm in the high rises, sporting a tasteful, slightly longer than shoulder-length bob, a well-tailored black pantsuit, and the distinct look of having failed to impress a single recruiter.


SHS to Begin Offering Vaccine for 'Freshman Plague'

Inspired by the recent record turnout for free flu shots, Student Health Services has begun offering vaccines for those who have come down with the “Freshman Plague.”


Gotcha! Fraternity Makes Citizen's Arrests at Champagne and Shackles

Earlier this week, freshmen received invitations to a "Champagne and Shackles" party.


GoPuff Beer Delivery Ordered for Eagles Parade Finally Arrives

After nine months of getting his hopes up, Jeremy Bird (C ‘20) didn’t want to get fooled again.


Penn Announces Plan to Replace All University City Restaurants with Overpriced 'Bowl' Places

Penn plans to convert all restaurants on and around campus to trendy, overpriced “bowl” places, Director of Hospitality Services Ann Herman said in an announcement on Wednesday.


Senior With 'Not Enough Time' to Help With Group Project Solves O.J. Simpson Case for 8th Time

Anna Jefferson (C ‘18) is a Sociology major and a self-proclaimed "leading expert" in the O.J. Simpson case.


Annoying Attention Seeker in English Recitation Actually Cracks Funny Joke

A stuck-up girl who never learned manners, Kowalski dominates almost every recitation she goes to, finding the most inappropriate times to crack wildly inappropriate jokes.


U.S. News Ranks Penn First in 'Number of Steaming Manholes'

The University of Pennsylvania certainly falls among the top institutions in the nation for standard achievements such as innovation and diversity, but a recent ranking from U.S. News confirms what everyone already knew: the University of Pennsylvania is the best school in America for access to steaming manholes.


Junior Develops Penn Course Notify but for Mint Pods at Wawa

Because Mint JUUL pods are, objectively, the superior-tasting nicotine delivery mechanism, it is no surprise that these puppies constantly sell out at Penn’s central Wawa.


Gutmann Denies Existence of Mold, Quad, Entire Freshman Class in Explosive Press Statement

As the mold in the Quad grows by the day and students are forced to relocate to the Inn at Penn, the student body has been looking for some guidance.


Anxious Chemistry Professor Single-Handedly Drains Entire Department Chalk Budget

According to her colleagues, Dr. Caroline Jameston is the right hand of Penn’s chemistry department. Unfortunately, her colleagues would also note that Dr. Jameston’s right hand “will probably bankrupt us in a few years.”


God Himself Withdraws From CIS 160

In a historical first since 0 B.C., the Lord God, Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be Thy name, made an appearance on Earth, descending from His exalted throne and parting the pollution above the Schuylkill to announce that He would be withdrawing from CIS 160 following last Thursday’s midterm.


Man On Bicycle Ignores Red Light, Biking Through Hundreds of Pedestrians

In a statement to UTB, the cyclist, who we have decided to anonymize, was adamant that he did nothing wrong.  


Wharton Unveils New Class OIDD 325: Justifying a Useless Career

The class, which has a 700-student limit, is taught by visiting professor and former head of analytic financial engagement database management at InvestCo, Jane Smithfield. It is expected to fill up quickly.


Close Call! Freshman Makes It To Sink To Throw Up

Quite the scene unfolded in Speakman 207 this weekend as Kate Lorenz (W ’22) returned home from a night of partying. Quietly sneaking past her sleeping roommate and into bed, Lorenz thought she was tucked in for the night. 


In Brave Moment of Honesty, Freshman Acknowledges That This Song is Such a Mood

Although no further details were given, the mood of the song called for a minute-long eyes closed air drum solo, with one lip bite during the final chorus


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