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Concerning! This Girl Has Killed Over 10,000 Spotted Lantern Flies

NEWS | Sammy Gordon Tuesday, Oct. 29, 2019Tue, Oct 29, 2019

Jessica Roberts loves supporting her local ecosystem. She has also been looking for a place to channel her enormous reservoir of pent up anger. When she heard that killing a certain type of insect would benefit the environment, Jessica didn’t hesitate to absolutely go off the rails.


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Kind of Weird: Freshman Already Knows He Wants to Be a Urologist

NEWS | Seth Fein Tuesday, Oct. 29, 2019Tue, Oct 29, 2019

Last Thursday night, in a discussion about plans for the future among his hall, Perry Yates (C ’23) of Dayton, Ohio confidently declared that he was pursuing a career in urology. Other students expressed interest in finance or social work, but Yates seemed to be dead set on urology. Hm. Kind of weird.



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Correction: HamCo Actually Short for Ham Company

NEWS | Patrick Rich Monday, Oct. 28, 2019Mon, Oct 28, 2019

This embarrassing correction was made in an emergency statement issued by the building manager, Jebediah Ham, late last night. Ham shared some passionate words with UTB reporters on the scene. “My father, Lawrence Wyatt Ham IV, did not construct this building with his own two hands for ungrateful college students to refer to it as ‘Hamilton Court.’ Us Hams are proud folk, and we simply will not tolerate this widespread misconception.”







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New Mark’s Cafe Revealed to Be Social Experiment

NEWS | Scott Newman Sunday, Oct. 27, 2019Sun, Oct 27, 2019

After several confusing months and just a few stolen Starbucks cold brews, Penn has issued a statement saying the new, entirely self-checkout Marks Cafe has been a mass psychological trial on its student body. The purpose of which, Penn claimed, was to investigate its effect “on our already self-important, entitled student body.”


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Penn Enacts Policy Replacing Midterms With Vibe Checks

NEWS | Jon Diamond-Reivich Sunday, Oct. 27, 2019Sun, Oct 27, 2019

Hell yeah, guys. After years of lobbying the school for positive and effective change, we finally have made some progress. In a statement earlier this week, boomer Amy Gutmann proclaimed that the school will be replacing all midterms with straight-up vibe checks this year.





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BREAKING: Wait...Did You Forget About Penn Dhamaka?

NEWS | Elizabeth Beugg Friday, Oct. 25, 2019Fri, Oct 25, 2019

Uh huh you know what it is: PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka.