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Freshman Clutching Pedialyte Bottle at Hill Brunch Wants YOU To Know He Drank Alcohol Last Night!

Yo, this kid is sick! Jared Wells (C ’22) sipped on the devil’s sweet, sweet nectar last night at a few parties thrown by some dudes who he’s actively trying to impress by reflecting an inauthentic version of himself.

Sophomore Prepared to Divulge All Personal Secrets to Fill Awkward Silence

As of Saturday afternoon, Lara Simmons (C '21) came to the realization that she was prepared to divulge all personal secrets in an effort to fill an awkward silence.

Guy Who Skipped All His 9AMs Was Actually Extremely Sick

Tyler Stones (C ’21) has missed every single 9 a.m. class this semester. It’s not for the reasons you might think, though.

Man Crosses One Lane Of Street Before Crossing Sign Illuminates, Describes Living Life 2 Whole Seconds Ahead Of Peers

According to Wharton sophomore and self-proclaimed economic philosopher Chad Peters, time is the world’s scarcest resource. For those busy souls like Peters, waiting a full 30 seconds for the light to change before crossing the street is simply not an option.

Small Talk About Fall Break Only Acceptable Until Sunday

Mark your calendars for October 14th! Aside from being National Dessert Day, this Sunday marks the last day you’re allowed to make small talk with people about fall break.

Junior Thinks Frat House Next Door Is Disgusting, Also Loves Ketamine

Brian McLaughlin (C '20) has been living next door to an off-campus fraternity for the past two years. “It’s ridiculous,” said the 20-year-old PPE major, “These guys are just drinking and smoking all day every day; it’s pathetic.”

Van Pelt Study Carrels to be Renamed 'I'm Watching Netflix, Please Don't Talk to Me' Cubicles

The library, which was initially built as a space for intellectual and academic rigor, has since become a breeding ground for depressing all-nighters, peaceful poops in the third floor bathrooms, and very questionable bag-checking policies.

McAvocado Toast Last Nail in Gentrification Coffin

Like if you didn't McSee that one coming!

Fine Arts Dept. Unveils New Course: 'How to Add Little Squiggly Lines to Photos'

The move comes after a rise in party photography at Penn, in which fraternities and sororities hire someone who owns a nice camera to photograph their drunk members and add fun little squiggly lines to all the photos.

Sophomore Rejected From Club After Grueling Superday

“I never knew that someone could be robbed of that much time.” Daniel Garza (E ’21) noted as he drifted onto Locust Walk in his suit and tie. He looked broken and beaten—exactly what the Blockchain Consulting Group wanted.

Penn to Unveil New Dining Plans: LOL, WTF, and ASS

You’ve tried BFF. You’ve already had a mouthful of BEN. Heck, at some point you considered trying PPE. But if you’re still struggling to find that one perfect meal plan, then these new, upcoming options just may be on the table. UTB reached out to Penn Dining General Manager Carl Haim for the deets.

Senior Blows ‘Signing Bonus’ in Vegas, Has Not Yet Landed Any First Round Interviews

Senior Bryn Williamson had the fall break of her life. She’s only had three other fall breaks and they were all going home to the Main Line, but this one was definitely the best. Williamson and 150 of her closest friends in the top 1% followed in the footsteps of their elders and made the pilgrimage to Sin City.

Sophomore’s Plan to Use Last Day of Fall Break to Catch Up on Three Weeks of Reading Backfires

College sophomore Martin Stone had the perfect plan for Fall Break. A two-step plan, he was going to spend weeks beforehand procrastinating on his readings because he’d “have time to finish everything over Fall Break,” and then he was going to further procrastinate on all his readings until the Sunday of break.

Freshman Confuses Fall Break as Another Jewish Holiday, Still Goes to Class

Mitchel also reports she was looking forward to a less crowded Hillel lunch, but, to her dismay, the dining hall was closed for the break. In fact, so was every other dining hall on campus.

Classics Major Attempts British accent, and O! How the Muses Sing Through Him

Bateman, a native of Solon, Ohio, explained his approach. "I tried to imagine those ancient Greeks around a crackling fire-- almost like our seminar in Claudia Cohen-- and just thought how to read the story as they would, which would obviously be in the King's English.

Second Coming of Jordan at Pottruck is 45-Year Old Master’s Student from the Philippines

Despite not uttering a single word for hours, Del Rosario was channeling his inner Jordan, hitting countless fadeaways on individuals many feet taller than him.

Freshman in CIS Office Hours Confused by TA's Response: 'At Two-Hundred Twelve'

Freshman Jack Liu, a prospective CIS major, attended CIS 160 office hours on Tuesday evening to receive guidance on his homework. Unfortunately, he left more confused than when he entered.

Freshman Destroys Writing Sem Portfolio in Homage to Banksy

Writing Seminar—a time-intensive rite of passage for freshmen (and more than a few seniors) which culminates into two portfolios of work, one for the midterm and one for the final.

Hoodie Allen Wins MacArthur Genius Grant for Song 'UPenn Girls'

Penn alum Steven “Hoodie Allen” Markowitz has been selected for a 2018 MacArthur Fellowship, commonly known as the “Genius Grant,”  the John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation announced Thursday.

Student Claims Houston Hall Renovation Not Fancy Enough, Needs Swimming Pool

It’s never enough: College sophomore Jared Rivkin was extremely disappointed in the Houston Hall renovations unveiled this fall. “15.5 million dollars and not one swimming pool in sight,” Rivkin said. “I just don’t get it.”