Op–Ed: Wanna See My Bruises?
I was already so trashed at that point.
Opinion
Coming Clean! Two-Step Verification Is My Best (And Only) Friend
Alright… maybe our friendship isn’t perfect, but at least I’m not my roommate. She’s best friends with the bot that sends AI pictures of feet.
Help me! I am Addicted to Picklebacks
I know UTB is a joke publication but I don’t know what else to do. I have nowhere else to put these thoughts and feelings.
Open Letter to My Sister Who Played the Piano When I Was Napping
"I AM SLEEPING! COULD YOU PLEASE NOT PLAY THE PIANO WHEN I AM SLEEPING?!"
Guy With "Don’t Tread on Me" Flag Basically Begging to be Tread on
Goddamn, your flag really makes me want to tread on you.
Your WiFi is Insecure; Compliment That Hoe
It's not that hard to make your WiFi feel like the desirable woman that she is.
Becoming My Mother: A Cautionary Tale
I’m sitting here, 19 years old, with reading glasses perched on the bridge of my nose, a warm cup of chamomile tea in hand, and an inhibiting fear of dehydration that consumes the entirety of my being. I have reluctantly accepted the brutal truth: I have become my mother.
Op-Ed: Next UPenn President Must Work to Lower Ketamine Prices in Philadelphia
A gram of recreational ketamine, which was sold for a mere nickel on Locust Walk back in 1970, now goes for at least $300, and that’s only if you supplement your dealer with a blowie.
Devil Incarnate! Why Welcome Home Balloons Haunt Me
Your heart beats in your ears; you see its shadow projected on the door ahead; your mouth goes dry. You are not alone. You remain still—silent—while you turn your neck slowly; your eyes widen as you see the horror behind you —WELCOME HOME.
"No, SWIRL Cone Please." "For the Last Time Ma’am, We Are Out of Chocolate Ice Cream"
"Hello, welcome to McDonald's. Can I take your order?" Those sacred words made my heart leap. I had been waiting for them all day.
Six Hobbies for Gay People to Try Now that Pride Month is Over
It might be worthwhile to take up some hobbies while you wait for the limelight again.
Hey Everyone, Is It Too Late to Get a Summer Internship?
So far, I haven't seen any job openings I liked since I started my search 15 minutes ago, but I'm sure something will turn up...
Op-Ed: I Write for UTB, Now Give Me Twitter Clout
Yeah, I’ve been told I should do standup comedy, but tweeting nonsequiturs on the internet under the moniker “jasonson” is so much more fun, and the likes give me instant gratification.
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Op-Ed: Why Gentrification Is Okay When I Do It
I think it's fine, so it is.
How to Convey That You Are Divorced, Remarried, Both With Children of Your Own, and Sometimes Still See Your Ex on the Side All Through Windshield Stick Figure Stickers
The public seems to be very excited about this new mode of intimate oversharing.
UTB's Guide for Surviving Movie Sex Scenes With Dad
Excited for quality time with Papa, you pick a new release film you haven't seen before—and just like that, you seal your fate. You are about to watch porn with Dad.
Celebrate Dad by Recreating That BBQ Shown During the Side Effects of Every Medication Ad
There's still time to string together the one thing that Dad has been hoping for: that idealized fantasy picnic shown during the side effects of every medication ad.
