The girl next to you tells everyone she’s “outdoorsy.” You call BS. Settle for these more realistic lies that will surely rock everyone’s socks!

Don’t think of yourself as an incel watching Zoom lectures, think of yourself as a monk dedicating your life to the one true cause—  Runescape. 

Come one guys, it's not that hard to figure out! All you have to do is pull the elastic straps over your ears and cover your mouth. That's it! What's all this covering your nose bullshit? 

I needed a handle that would be catchy, a little political, but not too edgy. In honor of our recently deceased Supreme Court justice, I decided to go with @theNotoriousV.A.G. 

Of course, maybe the first sign should have been when she dropped her onlyfans link in the chat on the first day of class offering extra credit for subscribing.

Therapy is a capitalist cash-grab scheme, and we’re tired of big Psych compelling our readers to waste their money.

I write some of my own poetry and short stories and, of course, I'm reading high literary art including the likes of Joyce, Faulkner, and Marlowe, but sometimes after a long day of scholarly pursuits, I find myself indulging in my high school guilty pleasure: fan-fiction. 

I...II... - two negative tests. I counted again with tally marks to make sure. |...||... - two negative tests. I had coronavirus.

Perhaps it was because I skipped my daily ritual in the shower this morning. Or maybe it was the big bowl of green M&M's that I was snacking on. Because there was only one thing on my mind: do I really want to jerk off with a bunch of strangers? Yes, yes, I do. 

you can explain  trickle-down  economics  but how do you explain  these tears  trickling down my face -  :'(

I realized that the only time that I had more than a one-word conversation with someone was at the COVID testing site. Ditching the twice testing recommendation, I take daily trips to Houston Hall for the attention my mother never gave me.

So, we’re lighting up right? Come on, there's no way the professor checks in on us. We’re freakin’ breakout room six, man! No holds barred!

Based on my high-tech Fitbit, I can guarantee that I've spent 99.5% of my time within a one-mile radius of my house. Having spent so much time here the past few months, I thought it was fitting to give you a tour of my special little island filled with highlights from my town.

It’s time to wake up, smell the roses, and call it as we see it. “Synchronous” and “Asynchronous” must be replaced with “Fuck” and “Fuck Me In The Ass.”

I began wondering, why are people surprised by the events of 2020? Like Cats was basically the introduction. And no one said anything?

Hey I’m so sorry can you resend me the zoom link for today? Ugh, I know, I don’t know why I keep losing it. 

My mom's lunch ensures that I will get at least two fruits and veggies, a sandwich (PB&J with the crusts cut off), a glass of milk, and two Oreos. With a wide variety of fruits and veggies including carrot sticks, celery sticks, apple slices, pear slices, peach slices, and strawberries, I'm consistently and dare I say eagerly left guessing what's for lunch.

Penn students are coming to terms with what they owe to those around them. Finally taking decisive action, my fellow students have begun redistributing funds back into my Venmo to cover the cost of brunch from last spring. 

This pandemic has been pretty tough on everyone. For example, the other day I made soup and it took a long time. So frustrating! :/ 

In my day, I’ve seen a thing or two. I know that when cottage cheese turns green you’re supposed to throw it out. In much the same way, I know that when an article is number one for too long, someone is manipulating page views on the UTB website.