I Pointed a Fan at High Rise Field to Give It a Taste of Its Own Medicine
My fan might be small, but my wind-fueled hatred towards you and everything you stand for is immense.
Opinion
Review: Locust Walk Sukkah Far Jewier Than Expected
Like any self-hating Jew, I love me a good sukkah. Who wouldn’t want to spend the holidays in a cubic hut?
I Pointed a Fan at High Rise Field to Give It a Taste of Its Own Medicine
My fan might be small, but my wind-fueled hatred towards you and everything you stand for is immense.
OP-ED: Let Girls Wear Whatever Slutty Costume They Want Except Sexy Joker Because That's Mine
If ladies want to show off as a little bit of skin, why shouldn't they? Let them dress up as a slutty devil, a cop showing some cleavage, or literally anything else. They're just having fun and not hurting anyone. As long as they're not painting their faces the colors of Joaquin Phoenix's Joker, I don't see any problem with it.
Review: Locust Walk Sukkah Far Jewier Than Expected
Like any self-hating Jew, I love me a good sukkah. Who wouldn’t want to spend the holidays in a cubic hut?
How to Find the Right Penn Face for Your Face Shape
Depending on your natural features, some Penn Faces will be more flattering on you, and it’s critical that you choose the right one. Do you see how good everyone else looks? That’s because they’re matching their Penn Face to their face shape, and you’re not. And that’s because they have more friends than you and are more accomplished than you are.
OP-ED: My Costume Is Actually Really Funny, You Just Don’t Get the Reference
Listen! It’s SO fine that you don’t get it, because I have very particular taste in shows and other forms of popular media, and not everyone is like that! But I do want to make sure we are on the same page about one thing: this costume IS funny.
OP-ED: Why Isn't It Funny to Make Fun of Nursing Students?
After days trying to write jokes, a thought came to my head: Why isn’t it hilarious to make fun of nursing students? Isn't nursing a big thing here or something?
Knock Knock! I’m Lucy, a Sophomore. Can I Have Your Lease?
Knock knock! Hi! My name’s Lucy. I’m a sophomore, haha. I was just looking by and couldn’t help but notice what a nice, cozy little townhouse you have here!
OP-ED: Facebook’s Libra Is a Blatant Rip-Off of Dave and Buster’s Dollars
Come clean to the world, Mark. Admit the true origins of Libra.
OP-ED: Sorry I Have to Juul in Here, It’s an Emotional Support Juul
Oh are my plumes of fumes bothering you? Sorry not sorry, cause this is my emotional support juul and I need it to function.
How to Adapt Your Five-Year Plan for the Imminent Climate Crisis
This might sound difficult, but don’t fret.
Revere Me! I Am That Person to Whom This Carrel Is Registered
If you could read, you would know this is reserved.
OP-ED: Clicking Interested on Facebook Events is Doing Enough to Combat Injustice
I’m sure the climate strike is important or whatever, but the UN says the world is ending in twelve years and I need to make sure I’m rich enough to afford a bunker.
Penn Students in Line at Smokes Actually Extras From a Cliche College Movie
Their cigarettes haphazardly dangle from the corners of their mouths as they launch verbal assaults in the hopes of gaining entrance — the hope to be just as they are, but under the safety of a ceiling.
OP-ED: Hey, Have You Read My Email?
MY EMAIL! I’M TALKING ABOUT THAT EMAIL THAT YOU APPARENTLY HAVE NOT SEEN AND MAYBE WILL NOT SEE.
Stop Having Dates at Stommons
Is the cuddling necessary? It’s not cold today. Stop. I can’t focus when you’re staring into each other’s eyes like that, pressed together with gentle smiles. Go away.
Have You Seen My Engineering Friend?
She can also be found asking what math class you’re taking — only to flash a patronizing smile when you answer.
'They're Such Wonderful Boys!' Says Mom on Greekrank
I knew it would take a little bit of time for my Josh man to find a group of his own.
OP-ED: Let’s End the Stigma of Handing in an Exam with Your Backpack On
Do you think that by not showing an underpaid TA that you have belongings and a heart and a soul that your grade will automatically be boosted?
Called It! Trevor's Grandma Died over Fall Break
Am I clairvoyant? Can I see the future? Am I God? Am I terribly sad about my good friend Trevor’s horrible loss? Yes to all of those. Betsy McLoughlin’s legacy will live on forever, and now so will mine.
I'm All for Socialism If It Means We Redistribute the Sex on Campus
All I can say is that Bernie Sander’s is on to something here. The top 1% of frat brothers are having 99% of all the sex on campus, and I think there’s something wrong with that.
