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Elvira, "Mistress of the Dark," Named as New President of University of Pennsylvania

While the University was also considering Hulk Hogan, Alex Baldwin, and Cyndi Lauper, they ultimately went with Elvira because she was willing to do the job for the cheapest and appealed most to the ghosts of investors past.


Junior Who Had 8 Months on Campus Excited to Claim Superiority Over Baby Underclassmen

Since the seniors are checked out, and nobody else has really been to campus, it seems like juniors are going to rule the school.


​​Your WiFi is Insecure; Compliment That Hoe

It's not that hard to make your WiFi feel like the desirable woman that she is.


Cool! Fall Edition of Quake Magazine Just Furry Porn

Get ready to see some graphic shit.


Becoming My Mother: A Cautionary Tale

I’m sitting here, 19 years old, with reading glasses perched on the bridge of my nose, a warm cup of chamomile tea in hand, and an inhibiting fear of dehydration that consumes the entirety of my being. I have reluctantly accepted the brutal truth: I have become my mother. 


Op-Ed: Next UPenn President Must Work to Lower Ketamine Prices in Philadelphia

A gram of recreational ketamine, which was sold for a mere nickel on Locust Walk back in 1970, now goes for at least $300, and that’s only if you supplement your dealer with a blowie.


UTB Investigates: Who Stole the Cookies From the Cookie Jar?

Late last night, an unimaginable crime was committed.  UTB will investigate, ‘til there’s but one left un-acquitted.  The cookie jar whom stood proudly on Gutmann’s desk has been emptied—depleted by an unruly pest. 


Uh-Oh! Flooding in Germany Suddenly Gutmann’s Problem

Despite the flooding tragedy, Gutmann is ready to hit the ground running—or swimming—and solve some problems.


Devil Incarnate! Why Welcome Home Balloons Haunt Me

Your heart beats in your ears; you see its shadow projected on the door ahead; your mouth goes dry. You are not alone. You remain still—silent—while you turn your neck slowly; your eyes widen as you see the horror behind you —WELCOME HOME.



"No, SWIRL Cone Please." "For the Last Time Ma’am, We Are Out of Chocolate Ice Cream"

"Hello, welcome to McDonald's. Can I take your order?" Those sacred words made my heart leap. I had been waiting for them all day. 


Wharton Student Qualifies for Olympic Track and Field After Impressive Netflix Marathon

Wharton student, Anthony Quill '22, has recently qualified for Olympic track and field after an impressive Netflix marathon time of 4 days, 6 hours, 23 minutes, and 44 seconds.


Six Hobbies for Gay People to Try Now that Pride Month is Over

It might be worthwhile to take up some hobbies while you wait for the limelight again.


UPenn Bottoms Protest White Dog’s Bottomless Brunch

Bloody assholes deserve bloody Mary’s.


BREAKING: I Didn't Ask For This Life

Listen. I'm sure there's news today. But I don't get paid to write here, and honestly, I'm getting sick of everyone always asking me to report on things that I don't care about.


Hey Everyone, Is It Too Late to Get a Summer Internship?

So far, I haven't seen any job openings I liked since I started my search 15 minutes ago, but I'm sure something will turn up... 


Op-Ed: I Write for UTB, Now Give Me Twitter Clout

Yeah, I’ve been told I should do standup comedy, but tweeting nonsequiturs on the internet under the moniker “jasonson” is so much more fun, and the likes give me instant gratification.


Analytical King! Craig Marked Growth of Penis on Family’s Living Room Door Frame

Measure all you want, but a small penis is a small penis.


Tragic! Area Woman Dies After 10-Minute Male Attention Withdrawal

She proceeded to listen to Thinking Bout You by Frank Ocean three times. Within 10 minutes, she upped and died.


The United States of Under the Button Declares Independence from Great Daily Pennsylvanian

Henceforth, all that maintain ties to the Great Daily Pennsylvanian are considered traitors. Beware! 


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