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Oh No: Grandma Wants to Know Why Your Phone Alarm Goes Off at 9 P.M. Every Night

There’s a couple of potential answers to her inquiries. You could definitely lie and say you usually take a power nap at 8:35 PM while studying for finals, and you just forgot to turn the alarm off.


Oh Fuck: Kitchen Steam Headed Straight for Fucking Smoke Detector Fuckfuckfuckfuck

Wait, hold up. No way. Are you fucking kidding me right now? Smoke? I just wanted to fry up a late-night dish, and this is what I get? Oh shit oh fuck that’s a lot of steam


Letter from the Editor: I'm Sorry I Can't Be Him

It’s come to my attention that I’ll never be an antique bison. Try as I might, I am only a twenty-fifth of it’s size, far less stately than I once had hoped. 


OP-ED: Shut the Fuck up

Listen, buddy, whatever you’re blabbering on about right now, I don’t want to hear about it. You could literally be telling me that the final for my Art History class has been canceled and I couldn't care less! You know why? Cuz you, and that mouth of yours, have been getting on my nerves lately. 


While the World Is Literally Burning, Thank You NYT for the Five New Paella Recipes

Yeah yeah, Trump did call the Prime Minister of Italy ‘Giuseppe Spaghetti’ today, but I’m blissfully distracted by these delicious new paella recipes.


There’s No Need To Lock Up The Lab’s Drugs, Says Guy Who’s Definitely Not Stealing The Lab’s Drugs

Again, we should definitely keep the coke cabinet unlocked. It’s just logical. 


CAS Student Who Says They're 'Transferring to Wharton' Currently Failing Econ

"Maybe I’ll just pay my way into Wharton like everyone else."


Three Things You Can Do Instead of Greek Life

You don’t need parties to have fun. For example, one great way to pass the time is to watch paint dry. 


Hill Donates Abandoned Lingerie to Children’s Charity

“I love to see that our college is giving back to the community,” said Klath, “I really hope that lucky six-year-old who receives the lingerie will enjoy our college’s gift.” 


Junior Waits an Hour for P Sweater, Realizes She Only Knows Two Members of Her Class

Lucky for everyone, two measly hours is more than enough time to find and categorize sweaters for over 2000 individuals.


OP-ED: Can We Fix Democracy Somewhere Besides Perry World House?

We can hardly fix these problems in the U.N., but for some reason, at 5 P.M. on Tuesday, I have to pack my stuff up so you can try to fix it in a literal house. It just seems personal.


OP-ED: Sorry I’m Late, but Hey I Brought a Small Sandwich Just for Me

Sorry to anyone who doesn't enjoy the smell of chipotle mayo.


Desire to Do Work Overpowered by 15th Sorting Algorithm Video of Night

“Merge sort is the most satisfying thing I’ve ever seen."


What a Dork! This Freshman’s Cover Photo Isn’t Even Promoting Anything

When I look at a stranger’s cover photo, I can tell if they have friends or not. If they’re promoting their club or frat’s latest event, it is clear that they have a social life and that they matter. However, if I see a photo of them with their friends, all I can think is “wow, what a loser.”


NCH West Planners Increase Noise Pollution, Successfully Drown out Noise Pollution Complaints

Situated at the corner of 40th and Walnut streets, construction on the record-breaking $163 million dorm hall began in December 2018, with the site facing Du Bois College House, Gregory College House, and Rodin College House.


New Record: 3 People at This Performing Arts Show Know None of the Performers

Collectively, this added up to over an hour and 30 minutes of non-affiliated viewing time. Although they were alumni who had been members of PennEMOTE when, in Voshkal's words, "it was actually good," the three audience members still met the criteria of not knowing any performer.


Resume Worthy! Sarah Used More Unique Words Last Week Than 99% of Grammarly Users

Said all other Penn students, “What the fuck is Grammarly?” 


Elon Musk Fails Design 101 Final

The Cyber Truck is so sleek and definitely does not look like a race car from a 1990's video game.


Penn Student Body Wins 'Best Professor' Award

Penn is known for being a vibrant and rigorous academic atmosphere, with top tier researchers and the best student self-teachers in the world.


New Student-Run Diner to Open in Houston This Spring and Close Next Spring

Citing probable low student demand for food other than overpriced salads and generic Asian food bowls, PSA anticipates that this business venture will ultimately fail in about a year’s time. 


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