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Creative Writing Professor Gives Student’s Childhood Trauma a B

“The part where he watches his childhood best friend die from a grand mal seizure was not particularly compelling. His grandfather’s ongoing battle with dementia, juxtaposed with his brother’s debilitating opioid addiction was a nice thought, but not successfully executed.” 


BREAKING: Meet at the Tampons for Some Club Hazing

Plan to be done with all this around 11:00 P.M. That's when we'll be done yelling at you for being new. Expect us to look at our friends for reassurance as we scream at you — we don't know what we're doing! 


International Student Brands Himself as Gift to the City

“I am looking to raise the visibility of Philadelphia as a city,” said Guinness to his international vlog channel, blowing a puff of a sexy Parliament cigarette.


After BioPond Development, Penn Reaffirms Commitment to Green Space with Marijuana Dispensary

In a bold move, the Penn administration has opted to pave over the BioPond, because "nature is gross." After widespread outcry from the student body, the administration has decided to placate protesters by building a marijuana dispensary next to the nice parking lot where the BioPond once stood.


Quiz: Is This Karma? Or a Direct Consequence of Your Actions?

Are you someone who frequently has bad luck? Do things just never go your way sometimes?


Called It! Trevor's Grandma Died over Fall Break

Am I clairvoyant? Can I see the future? Am I God? Am I terribly sad about my good friend Trevor’s horrible loss? Yes to all of those. Betsy McLoughlin’s legacy will live on forever, and now so will mine.


I'm All for Socialism If It Means We Redistribute the Sex on Campus

All I can say is that Bernie Sander’s is on to something here. The top 1% of frat brothers are having 99% of all the sex on campus, and I think there’s something wrong with that.


A Freshman's Guide to All the Fraternities on Penn's Campus

There’s the one on Locust, and the other one on Locust, and the other one on Locust, and maybe another one on Locust? Do not confuse these with the M&T building. M&T is the most exclusive frat of all. 


Unpaid Alien Intern Who Runs Our Simulation Starting to Get Worried

"I designed you guys to be intelligent, creative and compassionate. You’ve had a pretty good run so far — discovering fire, inventing the wheel, embracing democracy and all that. Very cool stuff. But what the fuck is going on? You’re destroying your planet, World War 3 is about to break out, and racism is somehow still a thing? I thought I patched that out a while ago."


Penn Orchestra Stuns with Flawless Rendition of 'Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star'

According to conductor Jamie Coppola, the orchestra had been rehearsing for the minute-long performance since early last year. “The piece is no joke. Technically speaking, it’s up there with Shostakovich’s Fifth,” Coppola remarked with watery eyes. “I was nervous as all hell, but I knew I could rely on my students to pull through.”


OP-ED: Here’s a Sex-Related Editorial Based on My Own Experience with Sex, Which I’ve Had and Continue to Have on a Regular Basis

The first night of NSO my freshman year, I went to a hot, sweaty frat party. Then, I had sex with someone I met at that party. I had sex with that person because they found me attractive, and this person was not alone. 


Dear Penn: Plant One More Japanese Zelkova, I Dare You

I’ve had it up to here with the way you handle your landscaping. Have you ever taken a look around Locust? It’s absolutely teeming with Japanese zelkovas.


Dean Furda Skims Google Form Responses During Class-of-2024 Delibs

This weekend, during the monthly Admissions Office GBM, ardent Eagles fan and Penn Dean of Admissions Eric Furda supposedly led the search for Penn's best and brightest new students. However, sources on the inside report that "nobody really reads the applications since we switched from the Common App to a Google Survey link."


Fraternities Defend Ratio Policy: 'We Just Want Our Parties to Pass the Bechdel Test'

IFC Spokesman and Wharton junior Chad Buchanan III explained how fraternities’ concern with gender representation in media prompted their commitment to having their parties pass the Bechdel Test, a set of criteria which requires that two women talk to each other about something other than a man. 


Hill Dining Hall to Open Food Truck

The food truck will have the familiar comforts of a perpetually empty chocolate milk machine, tiny oranges that aren’t worth the effort to peel, and too much fucking pineapple. 


In Preparation for Upcoming Midterm, Orgo Students Engage in Rod and Ball Play

Everywhere from VP to the Highrise Sky Lounges, Orgo students can be found playing with their rod and balls, trying new positions and configurations.


Uh Oh! Stephanie Is Going to Talk About the AIDS Crisis Now

For 15 minutes, Stephanie continued to express her disbelief that the AIDS crisis was even a thing, referencing her boyfriend, Lady Gaga, and the ‘miracle of PrEP’ multiple times.


OP-ED: I Am Never Going to Send My Kids to Penn Because I Am Never Going to Get Laid

For example, my parents could only send their kid to Penn because they had a kid to begin with. Naturally, you need to get laid, as my parents presumably did, in order to become a parent. Then and only then will you have a kid that you can send to Penn.


Student Takes Quick Bathroom Break to Scream into Toilet Before Presenting on Philly Parks' Urban Design

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH


Trump Apologizes for Ukraine Collusion, Saying He Thought It Was Russia

“Putin wouldn’t return my calls, and, to be fair, Zelensky sounds pretty Russian. So one thing led to another. You know...we all make mistakes. How was I supposed to know Ukraine wasn’t Russia?"


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