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UTBiden: The Video Game

Have you ever wondered what it's like to be the 47th Vice President of the United States and Presidential Professor of Practice, Joseph Robinette Biden Jr? Now's your chance! Hop on your scooter and navigate Locust as you travel from Perry World House to your meeting with Amy Gutmann.


OP-ED: Penn Should Use El Chapo’s Drug Money to Renovate DRL

Sure, there would be some drawbacks to renovating DRL. Penn could no longer use it as a haunted house. That one family would have to move out. Any money spent on renovating DRL is money the university can’t use to build the next New College House.


OP-ED: The Opportunity Rover is Dead and I Will Never Love Again

It was only supposed to be a quick summer romance – three months at the most. But then you reached out, and we kept our love burning. 


Didn't Have a Valentine This Year? Haha Loser Get Fucked

The closest thing to flowers you got on Valentines day was a bag of Hot Cheetos that you bought for yourself — and Cheetos aren't even anything like flowers.


Sad! This Buffoon Lost All His Worldly Possessions in a Pottruck Locker

Like an absolute moron, Adams threw all of his worldly possessions, consisting of his backpack, PennCard, and Canada Goose jacket, into a locker, heeding no mind to its number, not knowing that he would never see any of these items ever again.


All I Did at Penn Was Snort Cocaine. I'm Okay With That.

The hyper-competitive Penn culture can make us feel that we need to do it all and have it all, but I don’t let it bother me because I’m literally a fucking G.


OP-ED: I’m Taking Presidents Day off Because It’s What Van Buren Would Have Wanted

Martin Van Buren might have had his birthday back in December, but that's no excuse for me not to skip my 9 a.m. on Monday.


Ignoring Venmo Requests Now to be Considered a White-Collar Crime

Pennsylvania Governor Tom Wolf gave an impassioned speech this week calling neglected Venmo requests an “epidemic” and a “total dick move, guys.”


5 Notebooks That Will Stay Together Better Than Your Spring Break Plans

We all know your spring break plans are going to eventually fall apart, but that doesn't mean everything in your life has to as well. UTB has compiled a list of five sturdy notebooks that will stay together despite the fact that they have a paper due the Monday after spring break. 


Breaking! Under the BOTton Bot Now Writes My Articles for Me

I web scraped every UTB article ever written, stored them in a .txt, and fed them to my bot.


Sophomore Pleads 5th Amendment in Class After Not Doing Readings

Tensions were running at an all-time high when College sophomore Suzie Reyes chose not to do the readings for her LGST 100 class.


Album Review: Why Sheck Wes’s “MUDBOY” Is 2018's Best Album to Take a Stubborn Poo To

Sheck Wes’s “MUDBOY” has guided me through type 4 logs and type 2 craggly poos. Truly Sheck has been there through the best and worst of times.


Student Who Focuses Best in the Shower Ruins Laptop

While Campos can no longer enjoy her showers due to the traumatic incident, her laptop is definitely enjoying its bath in a large bowl of rice. 


Why Studying Abroad in Wisconsin Was the Best Decision I Made at Penn

I made a lot of unforgettable friends and had a lot of unforgettable experiences: eating cheese curds straight from the barrel, wearing a cheese hat at the packed Packers' stadium, sharing a Snickers salad with my Midwestern boys.


Herd Is the Word: How One Junior’s Ranching Club Is Shaking up Campus

"As soon as I arrived at Penn, I noticed a disturbing lack of cattle."


Feeling Cow Sick? Here Are 4 Cures For When You Miss Your Favorite Dairy Cow

You’re sitting in your 9 a.m. recitation, the professor droning on and on, and all you can think is: “I should have been up 3 hours ago milking my favorite dairy cow!” 


Hey Samantha! Liking Oat Milk Isn’t a Personality Trait

It actually does NOT count as oppression when you walk into United By Blue and learn that they are out of it. 


OP-ED: I Am Declaring a National Emergency Until I Get a Summer Internship

I worked so hard in high school to prepare myself for the workforce, and now I can't even get a damn interview anywhere.


OP-ED: If Amazon Won't Gentrify Queens, I Will

It is my duty to move to a neighborhood with fast-casual dining options, some warehouses for art or music performances, and streets that are dirty enough to be interesting but not dirty enough that I mess up my Common Projects.


OP-ED: I Shop at Trader Joe's, and Yes, My Shits Are Better than Yours

While you all eat your wilted Fresh Grocer produce, I am eating a robust diet of organic vegetables and frozen foods from our friends at TJ’s. This provides the fiber that I need to shit upwards of three times a day. 


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