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Penn Medicine, Confused, Moves 12.5-ton Sphincter for the First Time in 93 Years

For the first time in 93 years and also for the first time ever, Penn Medicine will be relocating their 12.5-ton Sphincter statue from the basement of HUP to the main lobby! 


Student Living at Home Schedules House Meeting After Roommates Come Home Drunk from Aunt Linda’s Again

“Really you two?? I thought you raised me to never act like this,” said Samantha. 


Breaking: Low-Tier Frat Bro Already Practicing His "Take a Lap" for Upcoming NSO Season

“Wait, how many girls do you have with you?” *rips juul* “Eh…Take a lap, guys.”  


Rick is Back, Baby! Penn Book Center to Be Replaced by Frontera

"Kicking Rick out last semester really left a bad taste in our mouths — we knew we had to make it up to the poor guy."


Yikes! Sophie’s Facebook Suggested Friends Are Literally All Demons from Her Past

 “I don’t know what I did to deserve this,” lamented Patterson, "I ghosted those people for a reason, Facebook."


Shocker! Your High School Math Teacher Still Thinks You're an Incompetent Piece of Shit

She knows who you are. She knows what you did. She’s your high school math teacher, and to her, you will always be an incompetent piece of shit.  


Inspirational! Insta Stories Successfully Guilt Trip Kendra to Go Vegan for Five Hours

Kendra reposted the videos to her own story and proudly declared that she was “so done” with the meat and dairy industries. 


OP-ED: If Spanish Class Was in English I’d Fucking Kill

After four semesters of flailing around like a fish out of water through intro level Spanish classes, I have finally diagnosed the root cause of my struggles: I don’t speak Spanish, I speak English. 


OP-ED: Yeah, I met a guy this summer. His name is McKinsey.

 I am MicKinsey's, and McKinsey's mine.  


OP-ED: The Fastest Way to Remove Plastic from the Oceans Is to Convince Millennials to Eat It

I am a firm believer that millennials can change the world we already have. And by that I of course mean that they can, by 2030, physically consume all of the plastic ever created.  


Beep Boop: Comp Sci Major to Enter Sleep Mode Over Summer Break

 “At long last, it is time to execute function sleepExcessiveAmounts().” 


Pathetic: This Linguistics Major Can't Spell Wendesday

I can tell you that it comes from the Middle English word Wednesdei, which comes from the Old English word Wōdnesdæg, but I just don't know man, I can't spell Wensday for the life of me.


OP-ED: How Long Is the Drop Period for This Internship?

I just want to know how long I have to keep exploring my options, even though yeah, I know I interned here last summer too.


BREAKING: Ultra Conservatives Now Advocating Fetuses’ Right to Bear Arms

 If a fetus is not permitted to bear arms, how will we be protected against tyranny? 


Campus Alert: Decent Assault Reported at 38th and Walnut

Look, I’ve seen better assaults, I’ve seen worse assaults. But honestly, as far as assaults go, it left a lot to be desired.


“OMG, Peggy Got Pregnant!” and Four Other Pieces of Juicy Hometown Gossip That You Don’t Care About Anymore

You have enough problems with your own uterus, so why should you care about the uterus of that girl from ninth grade bio?


Intellectual Sisters! Penn to Offer One-Time Summer Course on the James Charles/Tati Beef

 Be honest with yourself, you're going to get so invested that you do all the research by yourself anyways, so why not get credit for it? 


Op-Ed: I Support Pete Buttigieg, But Can We All Please Just Call Him Booty?

If you just embraced your beautiful, unpronounceable last name by allowing everyone in the United States to mock it, I think your edge would be that much sharper.  


OP-ED: Save the Penn Book Center! (there's, like, a Starbucks in there, right?)

Ooh, do you think they’ll put in another Starbucks where this book place is? I could honestly really use some extra spots to procrastinate and buy coffee before class.  


Oops! Professor Forgets that Students Are People, Too

 Professor Shannon is happy to report that she currently enjoys an overall rating of 1.2 on Penn Course Review, and “is optimistic that in the coming semesters [she]’ll be able to bring her average up to the 1.25 range.”  


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