Most Recent
Epic Fail! Mentioning Circumcision Protest to My Mom Leads to Long Lecture About How if I Had a Penis I’d Be Uncut
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip off!
Eavesdropping on Writing Sem Brings Sophomore Tears of Nostalgia
It was a simpler time; I still considered myself pre-med, ate McClelland eight times a week, and protested Castle.
Fun Party Game: Guess Where I’m From but Every Time I Make Up a Fictional South Asian Country
You begin to feel how one usually feels after a few drinks: socially and morally conscious about your racial identity.
DP Survey Finds Houston Hall Still Nowhere Near as Wet as the Engineering Students They Polled
Some engineering students have spoken to Under the Button reporters directly to comment on their nymphomania. However, we could not understand them due to their poor social cues. It really is a mystery how they’re getting some.
Such Beautiful Weather: I Can Finally Gallop Shirtless Through the Quad Again Like the Stallion I Am
You try to speak. I silence you with a forceful yet caring neigh. You gaze into my eyes, stunned at my display of horsey power. I lean in and whisper into your ear the wise words of 90’s R&B icon Ginuwine: Ride this pony.
BREAKING: Entrepreneur Elon Musk (W CAS ’97) Adds Fuel to Former President and 1968 Wharton Graduate Donald Trump’s Comment on Former Penn Presidential Professor of Practice Joe Biden’s Housing of Classified Documents at the Penn Biden Center (Penn)
Yesterday, Twitter CEO Elon Musk (W CAS ’97) voiced his support for former President Trump’s (W ’68) tirade against the current scandal engulfing President Joe Biden.
Incensed Local Homeowner Kelly Writer Kicks Depressed Wordsmiths Out of Her House
Dozens of lost souls roam the rainy campus in search of a warm, quiet place to consume pop culture and do vape tricks.
Penn Housing Selection Crashed as Local Militia Invades The Radian
After setting up headquarters in the lounge, the group proclaimed that they will be holding hostages until a “high rise 4BR with a pretty view” opens up.
CAPS Starts Therapy Group for Girls Who Rushed to Find “Strong Sisterhood”
The girls have already formed close bonds and decided to create their own pseudo-sorority, titled in the typical Greek fashion: “Yo Gabba Gabba”.
Photo Essay: Welcome to My World of Truly Delicious Foods
Buckle up and let's discover some great foods together...
OP-ED: I’m Going to Cabo for Spring Break in a Woke, Leftist Way
As Marx once said, “let the people darty.”
Stupid Bitch! My Sorority Big Is Just as Lost in Life as I Am!
Big-Little season brings hope for a prosperous future but it is all one great big lie and no one actually knows what’s going on.
What’s Wrong With Him?! This Man Posted Something on Sidechat That Isn’t Totally Miserable
Woah, slow down chief. Who does this guy think he is?!
Penn Listens: Penn Dining Adds “Natty Light” to the Meal Exchange Program
Through petitions and the amazing work of attentive student government officers making real change, Natural Light was brought to the shelves of Penn's finest dining establishments.
You Think You Can Jaywalk Across Spruce Street to Lower Quad Better Than I? Watch This.
My hands are sweating. I’m Usain Bolt in the 2008 Beijing Olympics.
Penn Marriage Pact, Penn Crushes: Penn Engineers Just So Horny
Penn Engineers are having more sex than everyone.
Commons Lowkey Sceney Tonight! I See My One Friend Over There
Soupe du jour? Friendship.
We’re Both Thinking It: Let’s Turn This Coffee Chat Into a Crack-Cocaine Chat
Oh, what’s my major? I’m really glad you asked, it’s LET’S CUT THE FUCKING BULLSHIT AND SMOKE SOME CRACK-COCAINE.
OP-ED: Me When Earthly Desires Become Premeditated Disappointments
Everything is going to be okay (heart emoji).