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Greedy Little Piss Babies: Freshmen Want to Make Friends

Although Penn may have encouraged first years to travel vast distances during a pandemic to sit in lonely dorm rooms and cry, the Class of 2024 is entirely and solely to blame for wanting to breathe the same air as their peers. 


Good News! Simultaneous Tube Spitting Not Awkward Whatsoever

Get on out there you amylase-generating animals!


3-for-1 Deal: Senior Frat Brothers to Give Freshmen Women Chlamydia, COVID-19, and Trauma

The brothers noted that they brothers briefly considered adding ‘orgasm’ to the package, but decided they could not in good faith guarantee that they would be able to provide one. 


Penn LGBT Center Grapples With Gay Alumnus Donald Trump’s Complicated Legacy

An unparalleled aesthete, catty bitch, and gossip, Trump brought his gay flavor to the decidedly heterosexual logic of American politics. 


Stressful, Miserable Campus Now Cold and Disease Ridden

Ultimately, everything is bad and nothing is good, and we should all strap in and buckle up for the joint slay of horror that is coming to us in the spring of 2021. 


0 Cases! Penn Sends COVID-19 Positive Students To Drexel

It was only when junior Charles Hall was seen wearing a Drexel shirt that we discovered the horrible truth.


COVID-19 Is “Soooo Excited To Meet So Many New Freshmen in the Quad!”

"I don’t want to brag or anything, but literally none of them are immune to my charm — or my disease!"


QUIZ: Should I Take Next Semester off or My Top Off?

I'm really having a difficult time deciding. 


Trump Gifts His Kids Coal for Christmas to Support the Mining Industry

In an interview Trump said, “I got coal every year in my stocking. Believe me, coal is a staple of this great American holiday.”


Penn Endorses Microdosing of Spring Break

“I think this microdosing idea is really good,” said Engineering junior Ower Worked. “It’s like how, instead of getting 9 hours of continuous sleep each night, I take 540 one-minute naps throughout the day.”  


In Light of Everything: Möbius Strips

You already know what it is, baby: Möbius strips! Don’t tell me you forgot about these things, man.


Mistake! Student With Poor Time Management Signs up for All Asynchronous Classes

I know I've struggled with time management in the past, but I really want to make my own schedule, which is why I've elected to take all online classes.


AE A-XII Says First Word: $$%&*!!!

But how do you pronounce it? 


Maureen Rush Reportedly in Heated Skribbl.io Match During U. Council Meeting

“Seriously, Wendell? What the hell is that abomination,” Rush muttered under her breath, scrambling to input a guess before time was up for that round. “Fuck you, bitch.”


BREAKING: Santa Claus Charged for Violating Elven Labor Laws

One elf remarked: “We aren’t even paid — we are basically servants that do free labor. Santa only gives us cookies for our tireless work. And now we all have diabetes! He knows we won’t find work anywhere else, given that we are three feet tall."


Wharton Students Receive Extra Gifts From Beneath the Christmas Trees of CAS Students

Whether the gifts are just stocking stuffers or the new PS5, Wharton is taking the opportunity to teach a lesson in trickle down economics this holiday season.


UGH: Hometown High Schoolers Took Your Old Make Out Spot

Absolutely tragic! The Zoomers have won once again.


Ableist! Readings Days Not Inclusive Towards Illiterate Students

Under the Button will be organizing a real, totally legitimate protest tomorrow at 3:47am in front of College Hall to demand the administration change “Reading Days” to “Days.” 


Op-Ed: You Should Probably Start the Readings Now

I know you think you deserve a quick little 10-minute break (spoiler alert, you don't) and that you were hoping that a little UTB and chill would be helpful in relieving tension and help you focus long term, but trust me, it's not helping!


Economic’s Stem Classification Paves Way for New Stem Astrology Major

There will be labs in palm readings and blaming your bad parking on being a Pisces. Instead of a textbook, professors will assign daily readings on CoStar and group presentations assigned based on your Moon compatibility.  


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