OP-ED: Hey Remember Me? I’m Your Dad’s Business Friend’s Son! We Should Have Lunch Sometime!
My dad emailed your dad that I was coming here, and he said I should text you.
Most Recent
This Freshman Vomits from Drinking All the Time and That’s Very Cool and Not Concerning
For Freshman Mike Tannenbaum, his new college hobby has become drinking until he vomits — at least once a weak. According to Tannenbaum's friends, they think it’s so fine and cool he has something he’s passionate about and are happy for him and not concerned.
OP-ED: Hey Remember Me? I’m Your Dad’s Business Friend’s Son! We Should Have Lunch Sometime!
My dad emailed your dad that I was coming here, and he said I should text you.
This Junior Was the First Mortal to Step Inside the Campus Subway: Here's Her Story
"And yeah, so I’ve been trapped working in this Subway ever since."
This Freshman Vomits from Drinking All the Time and That’s Very Cool and Not Concerning
For Freshman Mike Tannenbaum, his new college hobby has become drinking until he vomits — at least once a weak. According to Tannenbaum's friends, they think it’s so fine and cool he has something he’s passionate about and are happy for him and not concerned.
Rock On! Confused Premed Enrolls in 7 Music Courses
His advisor was AWOL, MIA. His altruistic spirit: crushed entirely to a pulp.
Biden, Stop Wearing Sunglasses We Know You Have Pink Eye
His penchant for covering his face with ray-bands that went out of style twenty years ago should’ve been a sign.
BREAKING: Stanford Bad School
Everyone talks about how Stanford is this really good school, but I don’t really understand it. What makes them so special? Is there something I’m missing here?
Student's Superiority and Inferiority Complexes Oscillating Fast Enough to Produce Constant Contentment
While many of his peers are caught in the trap of either being so confident that they misjudge everything or being so insecure that they can barely get out of bed in the morning, Mung found the perfect solution.
Sad: On Campus Rats Shocked to Learn OCR Isn’t About Them
After years of thinking that the University's infamous On Campus Recruiting program was a celebratory rat-pride week called "On Campus Rats," they recently learned the truth.
Finance Bros Agree: Tiger Is a Sick Name for a Hedge Fund
Maybe I'll name my hedge fund Liger Global. Those names are different enough.
The Top 10 Democratic Candidates as Types of Ice Cream
7. Beto O’Rourke: Rolled Ice Cream: Its trendy, expensive, and ultimately exactly the same as other, less expensive and easier to eat ice cream. Looks great on Instagram.
Penn Reveals "Gregory West" Just a Storage Container in the C '25 Alleyway
The house is set to be finished two weeks ago, as it is simply a storage container in the Class of 25 alleyway, possibly leftover from move-in.
OP-ED: Buying Back to School Stationery Is the Only Way I Can Feel Anything Anymore
There is only one date I cling to: the beginning of the next school year, when this meaningless cycle begins all over again, and I order more pens off of Amazon.
OP-ED: Penn Should Build the Seyoung Kim House
It would be a house just for me and my closest friends. We could hang out every day! It would be so much fun. I don’t say this enough, but I love my friends a lot.
4 Unlined Notebooks That Say "Transcendentalism"
As the new school year dawns, honor theory and demonstrate your intellectual supremacy by freeing yourself from the confines of linear thought.
Junior to Spend Four Months Hiking Through Europe on Pottruck Treadmills
After kissing his girlfriend Vanessa goodbye, Carpenter turned on the treadmill in Pottruck and began his slow, slow hike. He selected Lyon, France as a starting point and looked back at his girlfriend, now crying too as she walked out of the gym.
Gotta Tell 'Em: Your Friend's Band Is Just a Worse Version of the Strokes
Hm, you think. This sounds familiar, and they're not very good.
Engineer Waits Until Add/Drop Deadline to Register for Classes, Spends Entire First Week Stressing out and Playing Minecraft
I don’t know if he understands that engineers don’t get syllabus days, but God I wish I was on the server with him instead of doing the 243 math problems 8 CIS assignments and 2 CAD’s my professors assigned in the first two days of class.
Penn Bookstore Promises a Thousand Curses upon Students’ Firstborns If They Don’t Get Their Textbooks Right Now
Although we tried gently bombarding students with mildly-worded emails, we found that this approach was entirely ineffective.
Happy Year of Data! Penn Releases Spreadsheet Rife with Extremely Sensitive, Personal Student Info
After years of illicitly compiling student profiles and surveillance footage from across campus, Penn’s top scientists are proud to present their newest data-driven achievement.
How to Talk About Your Bain Internship Without Confessing That You Made 50 Grand
We know it can be tricky to hide your pride, but that’s just what our leftist campus pseudo-culture does to us.
