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How Woke! This Classics Major ISN’T a Fascist

As the only non-fascist in the classics department, Ben Sherman (C ‘23) is used to being discriminated against. 


Girl With 5 Hour Daily Screen Time Simply Does Not Have Time To Read Class Material

"I don’t know how I can be expected to read all of that material when I also have to dedicate at least five hours a day to mindlessly scrolling through my phone.” 


Oh No, Our Pledges Just Unionized

First, they demand to be “treated like humans”. What type of communist bullshit is this? 


Postmodern Condition: I Keep Showing Up to Class Even Though it’s Fucking Boring

Society has truly robbed us of the simple pleasures in life.


BREAKING! Toys R Us to Rebrand to Women B Shopping.

Women Do B Shopping Sometimes.


OP-ED: Don't Mind Me, I'm Just Trying to See What You're Writing on iMessage

Yeah… just tilt your screen down a little bit more… sweet Jebediah, that’s the ticket.


Oh Wow! Question Somehow Manages to Fall Below “No Stupid Questions” Threshold

“If I’d known that I had such dipshits in my class, I would’ve blocked off questioning entirely.”


SHOCKING: Students Question Reality as Campus Wi-Fi Functions for 5 Consecutive Minutes

We recognize that this may be the last UTB article you ever read, and we ever write; in that spirit, remember, as you are consumed by the void, that life was always meaningless.


'Good Work, Team' Says Guy in Your Recitation Who Ignored All Your Suggestions

What he lacks in experience, competence, and general knowledge from the reading and/or lecture, Josh more than makes up for in confidence. 


Op-Ed: Front Row Texters Should Be Compensated as Honorary Lecturers

Perhaps with incentive, they could teach professors to intentionally reveal their Grindr histories and takeout orders while lecturing about far less riveting topics like Oscar Wilde.


BREAKING Report: Huntsman Building Was Shaped to Reinforce Penn’s Phallocentrism

The debate is fierce ... the question is, what would you do?


New Waste Reduction Initiative Requires Students to Eat Out of Dining Hall Workers’ Cupped Hands

The sustainability team also encourages sucking their fingers clean in order to get every last tasty drop.


If Wharton Students Are Competent, Why Do They Have Seating Charts?

Wharton has actually seen such success with their seating charts that they are publishing some new classroom policies. In Wharton classes, you now have to raise your hand when you want to use the bathroom and at the end of the semester if you get good grades you can go to the scholastic book fair.


Local White Kid Confused After Not Being Given ‘Priority Access’ to Club Applications

If you can support in any way, he'll take donations by check. 


REPORT: COVID Spit Tests Longer Than 20 Seconds Indicate Head Game Weak

“It’s important that we know all we can about COVID,” said the lead researcher, “And even more important that we have an objective metric to determine who gives the best sloppy toppy.” 


I Pay Lyn by Giving Her Bites of my Sandwich, and You Should Too

A wise man once said “If you give a man a fish one day, you give him one fish for that day, but if you teach a man how to be a fish, then he can be your fish for a lifetime”. This is exactly why I pay Lyn for my bacon egg and cheese by giving her one bite of my bacon egg and cheese. 


Finally! Penn Dedicates Unimaginable Sums of Money to Some Ill-defined, Abstract Goal

 “We have a lot of money, and we will use it,” Director of Money Julia Stevenson proclaimed in her statement.


Wow! Most Privileged Motherfuckers in Country Find Some New Shit to Complain About

Out of those surveyed, 82% think the dining hall food is “gross,” 68% think the dining hall staff could have “better attitudes,” and 97% will never have to work in the food industry in their lives.


Architecture Student Fatally Misunderstands "Flipped Classroom"

Chan had spent the night unbolting all tables and chairs from the floor, hoisting them up, and rebolting them to the ceiling. u00a0


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