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President Gutmann Reveals That Ben Franklin and the Quaker Mascot Had an 'Intense' Sexual Relationship

Many students were surprised to learn that the mascot — a fictional, generic caricature of a Quaker man — and actual Penn founder Ben Franklin had any relationship in University lore, much less one with a sexual dimension. Most were unaware they existed in the same literary universe at all.


OP-ED: My Parents Pay My Rent, and I Expect Them To Continue Doing So

My parents pay my rent, and I see no indication that they will stop any time soon. They’re relieving a large financial burden on me, which allows me to fund my extremely expensive Ketamine habit. 


OP-ED: Beto O’Rourke’s Butt Should Run for President

Politics, shmolitics. Beto has the vibe of the chill, hot, divorcee who skateboards when he’s not running a tech company in which everyone wears jeans. And his buttocks look damn good in those jeans.


OP-ED: I Only Speak to Men Because I Need a New Emotional Support Animal

Men only want one thing, and it’s disgusting. However, I too only want one thing.


Life Hack: Save on Stress Balls and Pop Your Pimples Instead

Stress is known to cause breakouts, so many students have a veritable gold mine of pimples to pop.


Are You Genuinely Happy or Just a Frat Boy on a Power Trip?

Usually, your attitude toward life fluctuates here and there. Some days are good and hopefully fewer might be not so good. But, are you genuinely happy?


Breaking: 96% of Penn Undergrads Now Under the Devil's Sway

Although students were initially wary of this forced conversion to Satanism, the student body was surprisingly largely receptive to the policy decision.


Philanthropy Win! Fraternities Encourage Fitness by Telling Freshman to Take Laps

Want to come party but don’t know Jeff or Matt? Better stretch at the pre-game and get ready to take a lap.


Study: Marijuana Not Linked to Behavioral Issues, Dad

Furthermore, marijuana consumption is not linked to emotional outbursts, so suck my dick, Dad. You are literally the worst and I hate you. 


Heartbreaking: New UTB Writer Discovers Nobody Reads Beyond the Headline of Articles

Are you telling me that not a single person made it to page 52 of my long-form satire from last week? 


Girl Who Hands out Last DP Copy Can Finally Die

“I was sitting on a bench for a while just watching this poor girl get rejected over and over again. It was so sad. She only had one copy left and was clearly desperately trying to get rid of it, so finally I just I decided I had to take it from her."


Report: 97% of SHS Funding Goes to Futuristic Elevators Rather Than Healthcare

It’s such a relief to finally know our tuition dollars are being put to good use.


OP-ED: Do You Even Know Who My Father Is? Is He Proud of Me? I Would Really Like To Meet Him Someday?

You must be a freshman because you clearly don’t know who my daddy is. Can you even tell me, idiot? Seriously, bro, you don’t even know?


Self-Care Win! Guy Takes Break from Math Homework and Does Physics Homework Instead

I’m glad I took the rest of my day off to do some fun and lighthearted theoretical physics.


Rachel Van Pelt Condemns Participants in College Bribery Scandal

1.2 million dollars wasted in bribes — just think. We could have had another library.


'Never Do Drugs' Say Parents Who Said They Would Never Get Divorced

It would appear that the very same parents who told their son, current College freshmen Sean Greene, that he should “never do drugs,” had, three years prior, maintained a stance that they would “never get divorced.”


Courageous! This Vegan Convert Is Swearing off Man-Meat

A few weeks ago Gerbleman decided to join the Vegan’s Advocacy Group (V.A.G.), and she swears it was the best decision of her life.


OP-ED: You Couldn't Even Pay Me Gutmann's Salary to Finish My Writing Sem Homework

Not only am I paying for writing sem — I also couldn't be paid Gutmnan's salary to complete my peer review by tonight.


“So That’s Why I Didn’t Get Into Stanford” Says Every Single Penn Student

Sources close to the Penn student body report that every single Penn student is now convinced that they only got rejected from Stanford because their spot was taken by someone whose parents bribed the school. Under the Button caught up with Engineering junior Jasper Ortega (E’ 20) for his take.


You're Welcome: Here Are 12 Free Sentences You Can Just Drop Right Into Your Essay

Don't worry about plagiarism or anything; you have my permission to just fling these into your work willy-nilly.


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