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Most Recent


OP-ED: I've Been Thinking Recently

Thinking. Pondering. Wondering.


Going Green! Penn To Replace Liquid Dispensers in Every Campus Bathroom with La Plancha’s Soapy Ass Guac

Ooh… egad… It smells a little un poco podrigo in Huntsman Hall now…


Transition of Power! UTB Appoints Chinese Authority

With this comes the death of media bias, we shall all revel in the age of true reporting and inclusion.


OK Boomer! You Remember When Halal Was $5

 I miss the days when I could get a $5 halal before going to class and licking all the tables, chairs, doorknobs, and power outlets.


Amid Penn Biden Center Controversy, University Denies It is Housing Chinese Students

The renewed controversy comes just days after Congressional Republicans accused Penn of offering Chinese language classes.


BREAKING: Penn Museum to Castrate All New Students and Use Their Remains in ANTH 0001 Lectures

First hand, you and your classmates can examine each other’s… members!


Upgrade: Sophomore Moves From Harrison Double to Van Down By River

His landlord gutted the thing and stapled bed sheets to the interior to give it a nice homey vibe.


I’m Ready and Willing to Admit I Have Flaws — I Just Can’t Think of Any!

"Carey, this shows me that you have more than enough self-confidence and are maybe even a little narcissistic!" - My Therapist



Penn Student's English Quite Good for a New Jerseyite

 “Your English is almost as good as mine!” noted Philadelphia native Lily Gretcher.



Local Chinese Couple Discover They Are From Neighboring Provinces of Rhode Island and Connecticut

“Wait, what dialect do you speak at home?” asked Liu. “Western New England English,” Wang replied.


Help :/ I’m Too Petite, I Can’t Reach the Moellis Reading Room Table

I Just Feel Like They Should Provide Booster Seats Right?



Faking Interest, La Deuxième

An advice column about love, life, and rock n’ roll, run by two of the sveltest broads in all of Pennsylvania. 


How to Gently Tell Your Friend That All Sororities Are the Same Tier in the Eyes of God

He does, however, consider your membership in ILMUNC, the Philomathean Society, and Penn Democrats.


OP-ED: How Can I Pursue A Career In Academia In A Cool, Ironic, Cool Kind of Way?

I guess one way would be to write for some shitty comedy outlet a few times a week and just delegitimize everything I do in class. 


OP-ED: If I'm Not Going To Watch Fox News Shirtless In My Floor Lounge, Who Will?

My friends on the TV were somewhat concerned with the state of the US House of Representatives.


"I Don’t Wanna Yuck Someone’s Yum": Devil's Advocate Guy Picks Up New Signature Saying

That annoying guy in your seminar just got more annoying.



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