Look out Penn: the gays are coming

No cap, this bout to get lit.

“Now that they see that my Crayon-eating brain can’t even spell the state correctly, I’ll never be able to sell my soul to dream companies like McKinsey, Bain, and Boston Conslutting Group.”

“There are homeless Americans sleeping under shops all around the city. When I call the police to clear them, I make sure to remind our officers to treat them with respect and decency.”

Some say that being in-person is vital for actually learning, but not enough studies have been done on the effect of in-person learning on my mental health. 

This is the new Freshman experience.

Many schools have already announced that they will be going Wordle-optional for the foreseeable future, including Ivy League schools, Brown and Cornell.

Because if I'm not happy, nobody should be. 

While the student had initially entered the office seeking an increase in her financial aid package, she left in tears as the new owner of a very stylish pen and absolutely no money at all. 

It is rumored that similar initiatives will take place campus-wide, renaming Speakman hall and Perelman quadrangle to Speakwoman and Perelwoman, respectively.

Yeah, so if you’re looking to plant some begonias or something, make sure to use nutrient rich soil, you ignoramuses. Plants, in fact, need nutrients to grow up big and strong. Christ, I know you suckers are just eating this right up.

That’s right — everyone’s favorite (natural) blonde, Amy Gutmann, is passing the baton to a woman with hair the color of roasted chestnuts, of smooth milk chocolate, of amorphous, stinky mud.

The congratulatory ditty has already escaped from your laptop speaker. 

We are but mere mortals in the grand scheme of things, so why waste your time on this earth feeling sad? Here’s how to feel downright miserable instead.

Athletes don't get enough thanks. Let's change that. It's time to listen to minority voices and uplift our stoic heroes. 

Sweating and shivering, sweating and shivering.

 Guys, I’m about to, like, say something a little bit controversial. Don’t cancel me pleaseeeee :( 

"3. I've just posted a story on Instagram that says "repost if you're against aggravated assault—I see who views this btw." What do you do?"

Your subjects will be out to you in five to eight business weeks. 

During the year, I feed Mom, Dad, Susie, Aunt Margaret, cousins Bobby, Johnny and Lily, and Grandpa Marty through IV bags, but on Thanksgiving, I allow them to eat with their mouths!