Most Recent


OP-ED: The Government Better Not Shut Down Again, Because My Flight to Cancun Is Non-refundable

I'm flexible with whatever compromise you come up with (as long as the PHL airport stays up and running on Saturday, March 2 and Sunday, March 10, 2019).


Study: 99% of Freshman Year Trauma Unearthed at the Feb Club First Toast

Reasons participants cited for experiencing trauma included seeing freshman year hookups, roommates, and former friends they’ve avoided eye contact with over the past few years.


Junior Snags Coveted NYC Alleyway for Summer Housing

Trash pickup is conveniently close, utilities are free, and pets are not only allowed but also included with the lease.


Poser Alert: This Dude Rocking Vans Doesn't Even Listen To Tame Impala

Penn students are known for being pretty lame in the grand scheme of things, so it’s absolutely shocking to see a certified skater boi show his face on campus.


All Penn Advising to be Replaced by Microsoft Word's 'Clippy' Assistant

Perhaps the most advanced feature of the new advising system is seamless integration with Pennintouch.


Mental Health Fail! I Literally Can't Stop Crying

A new study from the University of Pennsylvania conclusively proves that I literally cannot stop tears from flowing down my cheeks.


OP-ED: All Penn Alumni Should Put Their Kids up for Adoption

Many believe that the bond between parent and child is sacred and foundational to our society. However, this sort of myopic, me-first viewpoint endangers the very bedrock of equality and justice.


Okay, Be Honest: Would Ted Bundy Have Killed Me?

He is literally my dream guy. You know, if he didn’t do all of those bad things, I guess.


OP-ED: Adam Grant Has Big Papa Energy

Mr. Grant’s Papa energy is so strong that whenever I see him sitting down I have to actively fight the urge to sit on his lap and ask for a bedtime story.


Braden, Is That a Pocket Constitution or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

“Technically, the first amendment supports me in that...” no, Braden. Do not bring the first amendment into your pants. Just chill out. 


Depressed Engineers Insist That Easy Majors Are for ‘Idiots’

Bryant believes that “all urban studies majors got accepted due to clerical errors.”


OP-ED: I'm Only Working as a Private Military Contractor for a Year Before Law School

The hours are long, the work is thankless, and sometimes the morality isn't clear, but is being a mercenary really so different from consulting?


Penn Mourns Girl Swallowed By Own Humongous Scarf

Witnesses report that the scarf began slowly inching its way up, enveloping her neck, then face, and soon her entire head. 


Philanthropy Win! This Frat Just Donated the Jacket You Lost at their Party to Charity

That sweet new body-bag you just got for Christmas was tossed into a HeavyDuty trash bag, driven out to the Main Line, and put in a donation bin. Try getting it now!


Uh Oh! Your Math TA Is in One of Your Other Classes and He Sounds Dumb as Fuck

As you turned around to see which dumbass made such an inane statement, you saw Daniel with a confident smile plastered on his face. 


Wellness Win! Stress Is Not The Enemy, as Long as You Don’t Stress About It!

I now save all of the homework for my seven classes for the night it's due! And when I can't finish it all in 45 minutes, I tell myself it's because I'm naturally bad at math, and I will never be as good as the other engineers!


Brave: This Student Turned Tomorrow's Meal Prep into Tonight's Late Night Snack

She managed to make her meal prepped food last only 1.5 hours after cooking it. 


Penn Bacteria Club to Hold Monthly GBMs at Concourse Dance Bar

All meetings and conferences held by PBC will take place in the Concourse ball pit.


As a FNAR Major, I Take My Dick Pics In Portrait Mode

While all of you schmucks are probably carelessly snapping photos of your junk (emphasis on the junk), I’m making art.


Scalding Take: Tristan Thinks Israel and Palestine Should Reach a Two-State Solution

Two groups want a chunk of land. Draw a line down the middle. Each group gets half. Bada bing bada boom.


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