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OP-ED: I Just Saw You Piss On Ben Franklin And You Definitely Need To Hydrate

Come on bro. No way you can tell me you’re proud of that stream. 

Heartwarming! My Potential Formal Date Drafts Message About Her Dead Grandma in Notes App

I tend to assume the worst in women and I tend to be right. She’s “depressed?” Yeah, that’s code word for disinterested. She has other friends. Yeah, more like men. She’s 'gay'? Yeah, more happy without you.

Consider the Glass Ceiling Broken: Sororities and Fraternities To Seek Pledges With Higher Body Counts

The brothers, sisters, and siblings sought to address the low BMIs and high protein powder intakes of their members. You can guess which problem each house is afflicted with.

Career Services Guide: Companies Hiring and Accepting Sexual Favors for Summer 2024

Hopefully, this guide can ease some of the internship uncertainty – possibly with the help of a few risqué LinkedIn messages. 

Depressed Today? You Forgot To Eat a Little Something Something

What you never hear these medicated girls say is, “It’s time to eat a little Something Something!”

I Lived It: Towne 8/10 Discovers They’re a Huntsman 4/10

I showered today. I’m wearing clothes that have been washed within the past five business days. Where is my praise? 

PenAlert: Penn Launches New Emergency System for When Your Dumbass Classmate Loses Their Apple Pencil

UPDATE: Pencil FOUND under a chair in the Moelis Reading Room.  Police and Allied Security patrolling the area. You may resume normal activity. 

Back to the Golden Days: I Announce Post BA Plans To Be an RA in the Quad

Freshmen of the future, I’m coming for you.

Insider’s Scoop: What They’re Not Telling You About UTB’s Writer Strike

The majority of what you heard about this writing publication is true: half of us are gay, half of us are going into consulting, all of us are an NYC 8 at least.

Weaponized Incompetence: Professor Doesn’t Put Syllabus in Syllabus Section of Canvas

These fearless students waded through the swampy waters of Modules and Files to track down an odd little Excel sheet named “GradingRubricFINALDRAFT2.xlsx”

QUIZ: Does Your Mom Actually Miss You or Does She Need to Find a Hobby?

Did your mom send you three messages today that all say the same thing?

Thought Of The Day: I Want Liz Magill's Perfume

If someone reads this and knows what she uses please reach out & let me know ASAP.

Sophomore Who Double Paid For On-Campus Dorm and Chestnut Apartment Still Really Passionate About UC Townhomes Crisis

“It’s just crazy how limited available housing is these days,” Davis said as she walked from her Chestnut apartment living room, past the guest bedroom, and into her master bedroom.

My Roommate Did Something Genius And I Will Never Forgive Her

Det. Kreuger would like to note suspect was really chill and cool and fun.

BREAKING: Armed With Nuclear Warheads, Rival Sororities Compete for Fall Bake Sale ARCH Patio Space

Nothing screams Delta Delta Delta like a W88 for UGM-133 Trident II SLBM warhead! 

Ciao, Bella! Girl Misses First Three Weeks of Class, Still on Island Time from Summering in Capri

The water there is just so clear. Almost, like a bottle of Voss, but not quite.

Fun Party Game: Guess Where I’m From but Every Time I Make Up a Fictional South Asian Country

You begin to feel how one usually feels after a few drinks: socially and morally conscious about your racial identity. 

Report: Record Number of Penn Students to Enlist in the IDGAF War

Even Obama is gagging, diva.