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REPORT: Introverted Boys Twice as Likely to Mutter "Yeah, Wanna Push Me Around, Huh" to Self While Showering

“It’s not like they’re talking to anyone in particular,” Salazie noted. “They’re kinda just saying stuff out loud.”


Reverse Cowgirl and 9 Other Workarounds to Mask-Fishing

My bosom could now be mounted without my face being a massive turnoff. Masks were the new protection; I’ll take paper over latex any day. 


OP-ED: I Seem to be Losing my Socks

Most disappeared in pairs, but some particularly cruel socks remained even as their partners left, just to taunt me. There is nothing so horrible as being able to find only one sock out of a pair.


OP-ED: I Dream of A Popular KCECH

I was having a conversation with one of my many acquaintances who are so overwhelmingly in love with me that they pop the question: “Where do you live?” Why do you want to know? Do you want to bed me?


OP-ED: Please Don’t Hold the Door for Me I’m Like 30 Feet Away

Every man for themselves…



Good Girl! I Will Give Up My Virginity for Lent

Mother Meresa


Breaking: Your Answer Not One of the Multiple Choice Options

You realize that this small incident is indicative and a parallel to your life as a whole: you can work intensely and diligently to build yourself and your ideas, but if you don't fit one of the prescribed outlines, you are considered wrong.  



Here is Some of Jane Eyre

You wanted it, you asked for it — we listened.



OP-ED: I Don’t Care That Someone Is Impersonating You on Instagram, and I Will Not Report the Account

Maybe I am a bad person, maybe one day I will be the victim of a crime just as heinous, and maybe then I will have sympathy for these individuals who have their internet persona robbed from them, but as of now, I do not care. 


Hmm: Cryptic, Hastily Applied Sticker on Lamp Post Doesn't Really Give Anything to Go Off Of

I suppose it could be some sort of political statement? I mean, you have a virus in a TV on top of a suit. Maybe it’s like, commentary on how mass media has influenced the popular perception of the pandemic? Then again, it could just as easily be the calling card for some underground, sharply-dressed EDM musician named DJ Sicko.


Sorry I Was Late to Class Professor, My Service Rabbit Laid an Egg and Hatched Babies in My Room

Here's a valid excuse for missing class: a warning to the insensitive fools who skip class for a death in the family.


Triple Minority: Brown, Female, and Can Cum!

How exotic! 


I Lived It: He Left Me for a Girl Who Uses “Begs the Question” Erroneously

Readers, my jaw was on the floor. Did this girl seriously just invoke the logical fallacy in an erroneous manner?


OP-ED: I Did Not Come To Moelis Family Grand Reading Room to Make Friends

When I swipe with three fingers on my trackpad to access all 12 of my desktops (each with a different photo of St Vincent as desktop background), do not come near – the magnificence of it all might frighten you. 


Jaywalking is a Mortal Sin Worthy of Eternal Damnation

I remember the days when a neighbor was a friend, a jaywalker was a scoundrel, and a woman’s rightful place was in the kitchen. How have we gone so wrong so quickly?


Liberal Hoax! COVID-19 Testing Fake, Biden Just Really Thirsty for Human Saliva

"By ingesting the saliva of every citizen, I can consume your thoughts and, in this way, connect intimately and effectively with the needs of the American public." - President Joe Biden


Letter From the Editor: Okay but Check This Out

Now, I have a natural aptitude for the athletic — I can do a gorgeous spin, and every day I wake up and perform the ancient practice of dance for at least fifteen minutes.


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