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Top 3 Places to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse at UPenn

Although no one can be certain of the exact day, every prepared citizen should have a well-thought-out plan. 


Padded Rage Rooms to Replace GSRs

PennCAPS will offer two types of “mental relief rooms”: the padded room and the rage room.


'I’ve Always Wanted to Try Shrooms,' Says Friend Who Literally Never Will

“Did you see the way the trees were, like, breathing? I really want that to happen to me, too. The scenery was just so pretty.”


Penn-Princeton Game to See Massive Turnout, Might Fill One Row of Student Section

Although the Quakers have struggled to overcome their acute attraction to their supremely sexy mascot, they have managed to recover some dignity these past three weekends by not losing to Cornell. The storied Penn-Princeton rivalry has been a source of much excitement on campus and has captured the attention of maybe six Penn students over the past 20 years. 


Studies Show Successful People Begin Their Day by Marking All Email Newsletters as Read

“I’m subscribed to 48 email newsletters, and I mark every single one of them as read,” said one Wharton senior, Jared Johnson. “I want every single person behind me in my 9 A.M. to know that no bit of news is worthy of my time.


Still a Virgin? Elizabeth Warren Has a Plan for That

“Our community has been overrun with gamer virgins. I won’t allow it. #resist”. The proposed legislation could be found in an attached google doc. 


Declan Fibonacci Brings Golden Ratio to Party

Fibonacci produced streams of artichokes, pine cones, and broccoli, all of which began to pile up in front of the rickety frat house door.


Freshman Booby-Traps Dryer to Protect His Laundry

After losing his favorite pair of Wonder Woman socks when an inpatient devil took his laundry out of the machine for him, Engineering freshman Kevin Allister has taken to extreme measures to protect the rest of his Wonder Woman clothing merchandise.


British Student Only Refers to Jimmy John’s as ‘James Jonathan’s’

Sinclair apparently believed that “James Jonathan’s” was the real name of the sandwich shop and that Jimmy John’s was simply “another of your preposterous American colloquialisms.” 


Junior Convinced Grader Has Axe to Grind

There was simply no other explanation for scoring so abysmally. The gigantic “BAD” written across the bottom of the page? Done between self-satisfied sips of piña colada, Juarez figured.


Yuck! This New Food Truck Tastes Like Cardboard

The truck was called “FedEx,” which I assumed to be some version of Tex Mex.


Freshman Purposely Avoids Washing Hand with 'X' Drawn on It

Mendez proceeded to spend the rest of the recitation lightly resting his chin on the hand, leaving the X in view of quite literally everyone in the class. 


BREAKING: Freshman at Dream School Wildly Depressed

She wondered if she had been misled when she visited Penn during spring break in her junior year of high school. “There were people playing frisbee on College Green,” she said. “Their serotonin levels seemed perfectly balanced.”


Here's How Joe Biden Can Still Win

Certain Alabama senators have already taken the lead, and a ban of anyone under 65 voting may be underway. Some other architects of society have proposed legislation for banning the existence of non-boomers.


Report: Jenny Is Really About to Try to Jump over That Wall

Jenny Buchmann is just trying to “fuck shit up” with her “girl gang." 


BREAKING: Law Students More Persuasive Than Design Students

“We were completely blindsided… that the law students actually made something happen,” said one design student who asked to remain anonymous. “We figured the administration would never listen to any backlash, but I guess all those yet to be lawyers did their yet to be lawyer thing.”


Stop Asking for My Opinions You Will Not like Them

I speak over my Engineering friends and tell them I should have gone to MIT even though I can’t count. I walk up to nurses and explain how cancer in the prostate works. 


OP-ED: Welcome to Pret Where We Have 43.6 Lines

We do reserve the right to refuse you service if you form a single line.


Review: SHS Appointment Just a Series of Chairs You Move to For No Apparent Reason

After a 45 minute wait, I was called back into a care room. I was told to take a seat. Trying to jump the gun, I sat on the operating table. I like how the slight elevation makes my legs fall asleep as they dangle.


An Open Letter to Penn Students: Consider Moving to New York

I know that many of you will graduate from Penn and pursue career opportunities in the great metropolitan centers: your Toledos, your Fort Waynes, your Wichitas. But I implore you, my fellow Quakers- consider moving to humble New York City.


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