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Meet the Man Loudly Revving His Motorcycle Outside Your Window at 11 PM

What kind of twisted soul enjoys blowing out the eardrums of everyone in a 5-mile radius?


HeyMySpaceBarIsBrokenCanAnyoneHelpMeWithThis?

TheMinimunWordRequirementWas2000ButMyTotalWordCountWasOnlyOne.


Sasha’s Allergies to Blame for Not Having Class Outside

Some classmates had begun to grow suspicious as Jackson sneezed six times merely during the conversation about possibly moving the class outdoors. 


College Requirements! Learn a Language at a 3rd Grade Level for Only $40,000

Congratulations! You now possess the ability to make all of your native-speaking friends either sympathetic or uncomfortable.


Scene King: Student Owns a Sharpie

Pity us, noble Scene King, ruler of our lands. We worship you and would be honored to kiss the soles of your fucking overpriced shoes, worn simply to flex.


Senior Can’t Satisfy Girlfriend or Sector Requirements

Last weekend he went down on me and when he was ‘done,’ he asked if that could double-count for the rest of the week.


OP-ED: Frontera Should Be Replaced by Another Pret

Listen, I’m not here to convince anyone since no one really agrees with my P.O.V., but, as I am here with a platform that can help aid my personal agendas, I say a second Pret is what this campus needs.


In Wake of UA Elections, Student Body Remembers That It Doesn't Matter

Now, the votes have been cast, and a new board has been selected, and the Undergraduate Assembly can finally return to not impacting the day-to-day life of students as it was designed to do. Finally students can take a deep breath and focus on things that actually matter, ranging from doing laundry to literally anything other than UA. 


Sad: This Girl Needs Drake to Release a New Song Because She’s out of Instagram Captions

Of course, Reynolds could use another artist’s lyrics, or even come up with her own witty phrase, but she has become so used to looking up Drake verses for each post that she can no longer form an original thought.


Roommate Just Fully Nocturnal Now

She began to skip classes and to stay out late with that boy Ben from ZBT. She would come back and do work well into the early hours.


Look Out! Jessica Cut Her Own Bangs

"My dishes in the sink are hairy now.” 


Living in the Past? This Student Is a Classics Major

Sheesh, Joseph — join the 21st century and catfish your mom on Jdate like the rest of us.


Anti-Social Junior Blames Rain for His Lack of Dartying

Aw man! Chris Solomons (C '20) was all ready for a killer Fling weekend until, according to him, the weather had other plans. UTB caught up with Solomons as he reclined in a bean bag chair, a bowl of Chocolatey Chip Teddy Grahams in hand.


OP-ED: It Is Aries Szn and I Totally Understand What That Means, Haha

Jupiter’s in retrograde, which is supposed to bring out my spontaneous side, which is NOT something I researched for this particular article.


OP-ED: There’s No Chance That I’m Gonna Catch Feelings, but There Is Definitely a Chance I Catch the Mumps

All I’m trying to say is that I’m 100% vulnerable to the measles, but I’m also 100% down to fuck.


The Real Magic Gardens Tickets Are the Friendships We Made Along the Way

Castle isn’t really hosting an event, they just want to bring us closer together as a school. That’s why they sent us on an impossible quest to get “tickets,” because they know we’d have to work together and meet so many new people along the way. 


OP-ED: Gender Neutral Bathrooms Are Great, But When Will They Build Bathrooms for Men?

 There are nearly zero bathrooms on campus designed and intended specifically for men.


Rock Bottom? Stevie Just Gopuff'd Juul Pods to Van Pelt

She had left her pods back at her house on 39th street, and there was no chance she was willing to walk six blocks to pick up a new pod.


OP-ED: Men with Gigantic Backpacks Can’t Take All the Space in the Classroom

Why, when most of us are content with small packs that fit within our frame, do some insist on carrying around monstrous sacks that do little but obstruct?


OP-ED: Now That It’s Spring, My Balls Are Sweaty

Plus, the other day when it went up to 80°, it felt like they were going to melt and run down my leg. This makes me very nervous about my reproductive health. 


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