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BREAKING: Penn to Restrict Legacy Status to Applicants Conceived at SkiBT

Penn will also extend special status to applicants whose parents were avid coke users throughout their time at Penn.


Open Letter to DP Editors: Who Cares? Spell Pharaoh.

‘you’re so hot! You’re the most professional girl in the world!’ 


Babe, Come Over! Let's Set Up My Blu-Ray Player and Watch Ramona and Beezus

Not a thing in the world compares to the love of two sisters.


Jon Huntsman to Reinstate Donation After “Feeling Represented” by Penn President For First Time Since 1993 All-Female Run

Huntsman is no stranger to diversity, boasting several years of global ambassadorship under his belt and more impressively and relevantly, an LDS mission to Taiwan


New PENNMATH Stan, Willing to Trade Ultra Rare Photocards to Complete a Prof G Collection

I have a few rare cards of my bias wreckers Cooper and Rimmer, but I am only willing to trade them for other rare Ghrist PCs


BREAKING: Penn To Arrest Every White Person in a Wasian Couple

 “We locked eyes in the ethnic food aisle in Trader Joe’s – right next to Trader Ming’s Kung Pao Chicken – and it was love at first sight.” 



Bugs are just Extra Protein: In Defense of 1920 Commons

If liking Commons is wrong, then I don’t want to be right


Hotshot Candidate for Penn Presidency Hosts Israeli Writers Conference in Genius Move

Kinda crazy no one else thought to do this


Classified Documents Leaked: Saint Anthony’s Hall Receives Record $84 Million Donation

The brotherhood rests on the pillars that diversity brings together individuals from a wide range of backgrounds.


Ah, Youth: I Saw Toddlers Playing on the Ben Franklin Bench

In this way, I will save you. Not from the Ben bench, but from yourselves.


Amidst Rising RSV Cases, Pottruck Gymbros Are Requested to Wipe Down Mirrors After Solo Make-Out Sessions

Nothing is more important than valuing yourself, feeling good about your appearance, and being comfortable in your own skin


4 Essential Tips to Care for your Single Roommate Who Gets No Play

We at UTB have amassed a core set of caring techniques for those with roommates who get no play


UTB Takes On The Super Bowl

go birds


Blimey! Daily NYT Crossword Doers have Especially Weak Grasp of 18th Century English Literature

Dean Sniegowski sighs, “Another cross cultural analysis course wasted on crosswords.”


Valentine’s Day Miracle: I Have Recitation With the TA I’ve Been Hooking Up With

Hiiiii haha this might be a silly question but how do you transcribe jʊər aɪz ɑr soʊ ˈbjutəfəl?


Girls Gone Wild: The Hunt to Find a Little Begins!

As the hunt for a little begins (game on!), here are some fun activities to do with your new PC to help find your lins’ newest blonde babe


I Promise You in Two Years People Will Pay to Get My Girlfriend’s Roman Nose

When I see a button nose it makes me so ill that I just have to throw up in my mouth.


Mark’s Cafe to Relocate From Van Pelt Basement to Chicago’s O-Block to Reduce Chances of Being Robbed

What could have caused this? Hmm. Maybe it’s the fact that you stole so many frozen chicken pot pies that they keep a portrait of you in every Perdue factory farm?


“Mad Beautiful,” “Dumb Fire,” and Other Adjectives to Let Her Know You Appreciate the Finer Things in Life This V-Day

“Chill as hell” as in “babe, I just gotta let you know, your uncle Tony is chill as hell.”


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