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New Record: 3 People at This Performing Arts Show Know None of the Performers

Collectively, this added up to over an hour and 30 minutes of non-affiliated viewing time. Although they were alumni who had been members of PennEMOTE when, in Voshkal's words, "it was actually good," the three audience members still met the criteria of not knowing any performer.


Resume Worthy! Sarah Used More Unique Words Last Week Than 99% of Grammarly Users

Said all other Penn students, “What the fuck is Grammarly?” 


Elon Musk Fails Design 101 Final

The Cyber Truck is so sleek and definitely does not look like a race car from a 1990's video game.


Penn Student Body Wins 'Best Professor' Award

Penn is known for being a vibrant and rigorous academic atmosphere, with top tier researchers and the best student self-teachers in the world.


New Student-Run Diner to Open in Houston This Spring and Close Next Spring

Citing probable low student demand for food other than overpriced salads and generic Asian food bowls, PSA anticipates that this business venture will ultimately fail in about a year’s time. 


Going Abroad Party So Indulgent Student Not Allowed to Return

One Penn student is already regretting the enormous party he’s throwing for himself. Evan Du (W ‘21) invited every single person he’s ever spoken with to his “I’m going to England” party, before realizing he would never be allowed back to Penn. 


22-Year-Old Becca Proudly Adding McKinsey’s 'Concentration Camp Team' to LinkedIn

With her quick little update, she’d shown all of the finance bros in her senior year classes who really was the best and brightest — by working to starve migrant children.  


Tour Group Mistakes Sadness in the Eyes of Students for Intelligence

“What could they be thinking about? Gosh, these kids are so damn smart! Geniuses!” He looked at his son’s smile and excitement for life and almost winced, as if to say that such a visage could not possibly fit in here. 


Just Because Your Dick Itches Doesn't Mean You Can Adjust in Lecture, Jeremy

It’s just that when you’re tugging at your meat clappers right in front of me, I can’t help but feel 1) slightly uncomfortable and 2) slightly disgusted. And Lord knows, I am not the only one in that lecture who has noticed.


OP-ED: If You Have Your ExtraCare Card, Please Scan It Now

Swipe or insert card and follow instructions on pinpad.


New Accounting Professor Kind of Weird

Don’t get me wrong, he’s great at accounting. Or counting, at least.


OP-ED: Forget Princeton, Gimme a Duck Fartmouth Shirt

Why was our rival selected without the letter swapping motif in mind in the first place? 


BREAKING: To Enter the Kelly Writers House You Must Have Clit Piercing

As more students begin taking advantage of Amazon’s ability to self publish and start wearing turtleneck sweaters to combat the cold, it has been difficult for the writer’s house to distinguish who belongs and who doesn’t in the winter months. 


Meet the Under the Button Writer Born in Late 2013

Sydney Gelman sits on a mint green loveseat in her above-ground bunker apartment. Sipping on a Diet Coke, she looks around the apartment with disdain and calls it a “windowless asylum.” Gelman, a writer for Under the Button dot com, has the dubious distinction of being the youngest on staff. 


Penn Panhellenic Reveals That Dining Hall Food Has Been Hazing This Whole Time

Students forced to pay for expensive dining plans with poor food options and remarkably limited hours have been subjected to this hazing for many years without anyone considering the possibility that it’s been a hazing conspiracy this entire time.


Heartwarming: Professor Enforces Diversity by Mispronouncing Everyone's Names

He pointed out a girl called Elizabeth Meaner and promptly called her “Eliagsdyhjfdhjf Mafgsdhjgdfkfd.”


Wacky! This Junior Wore an Alumni Scarf During Homecoming

He hasn’t even graduated yet and he’s wearing an *alumni* scarf. Even professional comedians can’t come up with this kind of stuff. 


Penn Bookstore Deal! Pack of American Spirits to Be Given with Each Purchase of Art History Textbook

No longer will these “super-broke-but-can-still-afford-dresses-from-Reformation” creative types have to dole out almost 13 dollars at Avril 50 to maintain that sweet nic fix. 


OP-ED: Hey, Can You Crack My Back?

ow we can get back to the marketing project. Except, I have knots. Horrible, horrible knots. Honestly, they’re the worst knots I’ve ever had, and I bet you’ve never seen knots worse than mine. If you could just take your elbow and jam it into my shoulder, I’d owe you big time. 


Here’s the Secret-Menu Class That Counts for Every Requirement BAbeyyyyyy

Hey funky ladies. You thought classes could only double count? Nah-uh, sweet face. That’s what they want you to think. Here’s the one class that quattuordecuple counts for all 14 of those foundational requirements and sector requirements.


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