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Shocker! Your High School Math Teacher Still Thinks You're an Incompetent Piece of Shit

She knows who you are. She knows what you did. She’s your high school math teacher, and to her, you will always be an incompetent piece of shit.  


Inspirational! Insta Stories Successfully Guilt Trip Kendra to Go Vegan for Five Hours

Kendra reposted the videos to her own story and proudly declared that she was “so done” with the meat and dairy industries. 


OP-ED: If Spanish Class Was in English I’d Fucking Kill

After four semesters of flailing around like a fish out of water through intro level Spanish classes, I have finally diagnosed the root cause of my struggles: I don’t speak Spanish, I speak English. 


Op-Ed: Yeah, I Met a Guy This Summer. His Name Is McKinsey.

 I am MicKinsey's, and McKinsey's mine.  


OP-ED: The Fastest Way to Remove Plastic from the Oceans Is to Convince Millennials to Eat It

I am a firm believer that millennials can change the world we already have. And by that I of course mean that they can, by 2030, physically consume all of the plastic ever created.  


Beep Boop: Comp Sci Major to Enter Sleep Mode Over Summer Break

 “At long last, it is time to execute function sleepExcessiveAmounts().” 


Pathetic: This Linguistics Major Can't Spell Wendesday

I can tell you that it comes from the Middle English word Wednesdei, which comes from the Old English word Wōdnesdæg, but I just don't know man, I can't spell Wensday for the life of me.


OP-ED: How Long Is the Drop Period for This Internship?

I just want to know how long I have to keep exploring my options, even though yeah, I know I interned here last summer too.


BREAKING: Ultra Conservatives Now Advocating Fetuses’ Right to Bear Arms

 If a fetus is not permitted to bear arms, how will we be protected against tyranny? 


Campus Alert: Decent Assault Reported at 38th and Walnut

Look, I’ve seen better assaults, I’ve seen worse assaults. But honestly, as far as assaults go, it left a lot to be desired.


“OMG, Peggy Got Pregnant!” and Four Other Pieces of Juicy Hometown Gossip That You Don’t Care About Anymore

You have enough problems with your own uterus, so why should you care about the uterus of that girl from ninth grade bio?


Intellectual Sisters! Penn to Offer One-Time Summer Course on the James Charles/Tati Beef

 Be honest with yourself, you're going to get so invested that you do all the research by yourself anyways, so why not get credit for it? 


Op-Ed: I Support Pete Buttigieg, But Can We All Please Just Call Him Booty?

If you just embraced your beautiful, unpronounceable last name by allowing everyone in the United States to mock it, I think your edge would be that much sharper.  


OP-ED: Save the Penn Book Center! (there's, like, a Starbucks in there, right?)

Ooh, do you think they’ll put in another Starbucks where this book place is? I could honestly really use some extra spots to procrastinate and buy coffee before class.  


Oops! Professor Forgets that Students Are People, Too

 Professor Shannon is happy to report that she currently enjoys an overall rating of 1.2 on Penn Course Review, and “is optimistic that in the coming semesters [she]’ll be able to bring her average up to the 1.25 range.”  


Here's a List of Philly Neighborhoods That Don't Exist But Sound Pretty Hip

Wanna SEPTA to Pussyank this weekend?


Breaking: Chronic Masturbator Totally Edging during Gender Studies Lecture on Pornography

 This class asked its students to examine: What is pornography? What makes something pornographic? For Thompson, and many others like him, the answer is absolutely everything. 


Professor Totally Forgot About Course Evaluations, Just Brought Donuts for No Reason

Make sure to take an extra donut as you type, and remember that I also brought in Pop Ems too. 


Past His Peak! Braden Will Have You Know That He Ran At Penn Relays In Middle School

“Oh! Wow! Penn Relays is going on right now?” said Braden in an interview, clad in his old high school track uniform and Penn Relays hat. “I literally had no idea. But while we’re on the subject…”  


OP-ED: I Wear a MAGA Hat Just so Someone Will Make Eye Contact with Me

People who would ordinarily have never glanced up from their phones will now spend ten whole seconds reading my hat before looking — straight into my eyes — to see who the asshole in the MAGA hat is.


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