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Holy Shit: Stacy Knows 40% of the Words to SICKO MODE

If you thought you were either cool or talented, just wait until you meet Stacy Wilmberg (C ‘18).


Anti-Social and Academically-Challenged Freshman Came to Penn to 'Work Hard, Play Hard'

“Yeah, I mean given who I am as a person, Penn was just the right choice for me,” chronic procrastinator and recluse James Rojas (C ’22) shared with his friends.


Embarrassing: Penn Is Trying to Pass off a 1998 Dell PC as the ENIAC After Misplacing the Original

The enclosure in Moore where the Electronic Numerical Integrator And Computer (ENIAC) is normally on display now contains a late-20th Century Dell desktop computer.


Trust The Process: Mid-Tier Frat Hires Sam Hinkie to Manage Tanking for Better Prospects Next Year

Two years ago, they were stuck in the middle—not bad enough to disband, but not good enough for anyone to show up to their parties.


OP-ED: Why Does No One Laugh At My Super-Relatable Jokes About My Tiny and Obscure Major?

Guys, what’s the deal with the bathroom in Hayden Hall? I say bathroom because, in this three-story building, there is only one.


Finally: Annoying Couple In Friend Group Breaks Up

"There have been about four flukes at this point, and we’ve all gotten our hopes crushed many times when they eventually rekindled their deniable chemistry."


Junior Wearing Penn Apparel Gets Shit On by Bird — Here's What That Pigeon Has to Say

Jeremy Landis (E ’20) returned to his hometown of Dayton, Ohio this past Thanksgiving break feeling particularly thankful for his Penn education — but mostly for his ability to flex his Ivy League apparel in front of relatives and strangers alike.


Results Are In! Girls Aren't Intimidated by You — You're Just an Asshole

I know you think your confidence and good looks are intimidating, but I’m here to tell you that women aren’t intimidated by you — you’re just an asshole.   


Laptop Extremely Cold On Defecating Student’s Bare Thighs

The metal underbelly of his MacBook frigid against his sensitive thigh skin, Ryan Glover (C ’19) struggled to operate his laptop computer while on the toilet yesterday.


Student Who Dropped Hydroflask in Middle of Lecture Changes Identity and Moves to New Zealand

But the day Campbell dropped her 64oz stainless steel water vessel from a height of three feet, directly onto the concrete floor of her 1PM CIS lecture in Towne, in the middle of an important slide about linked lists, everything changed. 


Satan Spotted in Writing Seminar Brushing Up on Newest Torture Methods

 "Sinners from Penn kept coming down and saying ‘they’d seen worse’ in their writing seminar classes.” 


Meet the Current Penn Undergrads Who Are Engaged Ranked by How Wild It Is to Me That They Did That

Coming in hot at number 4 are Stacey and Jeff. It was not so wild to me that Stacey and Jeff did that.


Guy Who Wants to 'Smash' Tonight Actually Just Wants a Gaming Buddy

And so, being the enthusiastic fan he is, Corbin donned a tasteful homemade Mario costume and hit the ground running, console and controller in hand, to find a worthy opponent on campus.


Student Walking To Train Station Notes Drexel ‘Actually Kinda Nice’

As Jocelyn Zhao (W ’21) walked to 30th Street Station to catch a train Monday afternoon, she was struck by the observation that Drexel University’s campus is “actually kinda nice.”


Uh Oh! Your Spotify Wrapped Says You Spent 94,564 Minutes Being a Basic Bitch

OMG. The Spotify Wrapped 2018 results are in — you spent 94,564 minutes being basic as hell this year!


ASL Study Group Removed From Fisher Fine Arts for Disturbing the Peace

The Fisher Fine Arts Library prides itself on being “one of the few quiet study places on campus,” according to its website.


Oops! Student Who Based Entire Self-Worth on Grades Starting to Think It Was a Bad Idea

Engineering freshman Sheryl Williams (and former high school NHS president, as she likes to tell people) was shocked to learn that people care about things other than the fact that she got a 33 on her ACT.


OP-ED: Yes, Bumble, I Am Buzzworthy, Now Tell That One Guy Who Hasn't Responded in 17 Days

As I carefully scrutinize men's grammar, hairstyles, and mirror pic to non-mirror pic ratio, I receive a Gmail notification and feel a tingle.


Horrific: Student Uses Lush Bath Bomb in Kings Court Bathtub

At around 9:30 p.m. last Thursday, Wharton freshman Philip Saunders used a perfectly good “Golden Wonder” bath bomb from Lush in a grimy Kings Court bathtub.


Fashion Win! This Brave Formal Date Wore A Gray T-Shirt Instead Of A Suit

When Noah Levinson was asked to his current hookup’s sorority date night, he was nervous. 


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