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Op-Ed: 20 Years Old Is Not Too Old for Father’s Day Breakfast in Bed

I know you wanted to go all out for Father's Day, but sometimes you're lazy, broke, or both. What to do? Time to whip out an old reliable: Breakfast in Bed. 


Breaking: Intolerable Boy From Writing Seminar Calls Bo Burnham Comedy Special “Groundbreaking”

Is Bo Burnham God’s gift to comedy? According to Jacob from your writing seminar, that answer is a resounding “yes”.


Wharton Receives $5 Billion Monopoly Money Donation, Plans on Acquiring Baltic Avenue

According to sources deep within Penn's administration, Wharton intends to use the funds to acquire Baltic Avenue for their new hotel project.


Student Interning from Home Regrets Passionate Goth My Little Pony Phase

Golding was pleased with her magnum opus for about 10 months before her pride turned to indifference, dislike, disgust, then finally repulsion.


Sophomore Unaware He Is at Exact Moment When Gifted Child Turns into Burnt Out Adult

At Penn, Liang is a biannually participating member of Penn Outdoors and a thrice-rejected submitter to Penn Review. He got cut from both ZBT and Phi after two rounds of open rush.



Choose Your Own Adventure: Will You Resist Your Cousin’s Sexual Advances in Quarantine?

You’re horny. Cousin Addie’s horny. Are you two going to help each other out? 



Here’s What Farm Animal You Are, Based on the Amount of Oats You Eat

Oink oink, you fat little Porker! Why does little Porker eat so many Oat and leave so few? 


Van Pelt Library Announces Rectal Exams as Theft Precaution

If you scream when the guard opens your butt, you will be permanently banned from the library. 


How to Not Set Yourself on Fire When Someone Bumps Message on Slack

Drop all your activities. Read The Bible. Download Tinder. Marry Sarwar Shah from the 40th St Halal Truck. Busy yourself with domestic work. 


Penn Glee Club Integrates With Penn Sirens, Dhamaka, TEP, Penn Polish Club, the Netter Center, Gregory College House, Locust Protesters, Penn Catholic Newman Community, Allied Universal Workers, Linguistics Majors, and Your Mom

The Penn Glee Club made history by integrating women and dancers and the frat brothers that sell you weed and Poles and do-gooders and freshmen that got fucked over in housing selection and God-fearers and more God-fearers and the people that are most likely to have weapons on campus and soon-to-be unemployed students and fat skanks into their historically TTBB choir. 


“You Don’t Understand Me!” and Other Zingers for a Constructive Disagreement With Your Parents

 "I hate you!" is the perfect phrase to yell at your parents as you beg them to love you and give you everything you ask for.


Wow! Mediocre Man Emotionally Unavailable

You loved him. He averaged around 50 hours before he texted you back each time. You did not once experience orgasm during sex with him. What a king!


‘Skabort!’ and Other Onomatopoeia to Spice up Your Sex Life

We promise "Skabort" will be a crowd favorite at your next orgy.


Innovative! Sad Girl Takes Crying Selfie to Prove She Is Sad

She lamented her harrowing life as a young white girl. 


English Major Enters 11th Month of Reading Same Paperback

At this point, Lopez requested a nicotine break. 


LGBT Win! Penn Closet Rebrands as “Penn Come Out of the Closet”

In addition to the rebrand of their store name, they will be offering complimentary hits of poppers to all customers, expanding their jockstrap collection, and offering discounts on ketamine after your tenth purchase.


Report: High School Friends Remain Uncultured, Uneducated Swine

They are, in essence, pigs rolling around in a trough.


Penn Institutes Footloose Rules to Prevent Covid-19 Outbreak in the Fall

After Amy Gutmann's recent viewing of Footloose (1984) and her subsequent conversion to Christianity, she updated the Campus Compact to reflect the rules upheld in Elmore City: no dancing and absolutely no rock-and-roll music.


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