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Taking Econ? Sorry, Nerd, Me and My Friends Were Busy Being Sexy

You probably look up to Elon Musk, yeah?


'It's Not a Frat House, It's a Frat Home,' Says Freshman with Quasi-Stockholm Syndrome

Upon further inquiry into Staleman’s life at home, Staleman replied “I would drink piss for my boys. I have drunk piss for my boys! And I don’t even mean natty lite bro. Piss into my mouth, bro! Do it, bro!”


OP-ED: Phew at Least We’re Showing up Late Together

Oh hey! Are you also heading over to class now? Sweet me too. I was worried I was going to be late, but you’re here too.


Sophomore off Meal Plan Will Totally Save Bank Purchasing Flamin' Hot Cheetos in Bulk

Me purchasing Flamin’ Hot Cheetos and making them my exclusive energy source is the pinnacle of economic efficiency.


Franzia Unveils New Boyfriend-Sized Bag of Sunset Blush

It has everything a single Penn student could want: the proportions of a 21-year-old male and 2,400 fluid ounces of crisp rose. It’s just like your old boyfriend except it’s full of bad wine instead of a bad personality. 


Duality of Woman! Chloe Went to the Climate Strike but Doesn't Know How to Recycle

Chloe Jameson (E ’20) is one of many participants. You can find her sitting cross-legged in College Hall, demanding Penn’s divestment from oil, coal, and gas companies, chanting about the looming threat of sea-level rise. But, what if you ask her which bin to put a crumpled sheet of paper in? Expect a blank stare in return. 


Op-Ed: Do My Roommates Have Terrible Taste in Music or Do I Just Hate Them

Picture this: I’m sitting in my room and I hear music through the wall, coming from the shared living space in this house. I wouldn’t describe the music as pleasant. In fact, it was absolutely heinous. Usually, I’m a pretty considerate roommate. Low maintenance. Chill. But if I have to listen to this playlist for another second of my life, I’m going to fucking lose it.


How a Slight Nod and Penn Maintenance Shirt Got Me into Castle

I can honestly report that Castle parties really aren’t that great — people just asked me if I could unclog the upstairs bathroom drain.


OP-ED: I Downloaded TikTok Because I Am a Sadomasochist

 I now stare at my phone for hours, laughing at videos that are nearly identical.


Quiz: What Does Your PennID Say About Your Future?

Step right up and experience the interactive fortune-telling magic brought to you by UTB! It’s simple: all you need to do is enter your 8-digit PennID into the box below, and you will receive your own unique, personalized fortune. Will you be wealthy? Will you find love? I don’t know!


Report: New UTB Staff Writer Patrick Rich Actually Very Cool, Nice 

Several informants confirmed that Patrick could often be seen looking cool while being nice to people around campus. 


Penn Baseball Loses Fall Scrimmage to Mr. Richard’s 4th Grade Team

After tying the game 2-2, things went downhill fast for Penn. In the top of the 4th inning, Mr. Richard sent the hounds. With their three best hitters up to bat next, the team of scrappy, prepubescent boys put up eight runs in that inning alone, essentially ending the game.


BREAKING: Congress Confirms United States a Mistake

On Friday, the details for dismantling the United States were summarized, but the full report won’t be released until the following month.


Deeply Misguided Professor Thinks Students Will Finish Book Each Week

McElhanney adopted the misguided idea that his students had the time or desire to read a book a week after gaining tenure and forgetting the feeling of stress.


To the Boy I Saw on Locust Reading a Book Called ‘the Laws of Murder’: Pretty Sure the Law Is ‘No Murder’

Seriously, name another law of murder. “Don’t murder”? “Stop murdering people”? “Murder is bad, don’t do it please”? They all boil down to the same thing, friend. I think you get where I’m going with this. 


Autumnal Baddie Patiently Awaiting the Day in Which She Can Assume Her Final Form

Although the days might be growing shorter, the sunlight dimmer, and the leaves browner, something is a bit off about this fall season. It might be the fact that it’s October and still 85 degrees outside. You can’t even walk to class without people wondering whether you’ve gotten a new Glossier delivery or you just really sweat that much.


Top 5 Cool Philly Bars to Pretend You’ve Been to

Located in a converted bar, this place has it all: beer, wine. Sometimes people. But that doesn't really matter because you're not going to go.


With Vocal Fry, Student Thinks He Is More Sophisticated

As a result of his increased feigning of self-perception, Istem has found himself surrounded by women who are now suddenly attracted to him.


Dean Furda First-Ever Penn Official to Apologize to Philadelphia Community

In this wholly unprecedented turn, Furda looked in the mirror and saw a man capable of possessing both power and penitence. Acknowledging that his public tirade at the Philadelphia Eagles game was demeaning to the local sports community and the city as a whole, he defied nearly 300 years of university policy.


Pro-Choice Move: Penn Is Freezing My Eggs with Sub-Zero Classrooms

The new health service, a result of an ongoing collaboration between Student Health and Career Services, has left me feeling immeasurably relieved. It has offered me solace and peace and has allowed me to get through my Econ seminar without worrying once about whether I’ll have old eggs when I’m at the peak of my professional trajectory.


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