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DOWNLOAD THIS APP OR ELSE (Free Insomnia xx)

This app– it’s so good. And I’m hardly being paid to say that. 


Photo Essay: I Spit on Nature’s Majesty

See this waterfall? It can go fuck itself too. 


Two Can Play This Game: Your Therapist Also Texts During Your Session

As he nods along, stone-faced, his eyes look down and his face is lit from below.


Path@Penn Is a Convenient, High-Tech, Innovative, Yet Nostalgic Website for All Your Needs

Sure, right now, some parts of you are still PennInTouch and sometime this summer you and PennInTouch will merge into one supreme life form. But for now, I love seeing you as you are.





Attention Beth Winkelstein! You May Be Eligible for a Booster

We are very please that despite many of your limitations, you were able to snag a coveted University administration spot, as INTERIM–provisional, temporary, short-term, etc.–Provost. 


Instructive Handwashing Posters To Be Replaced With Step-by-Step Toothbrushing Guides

After two and a half years behind masks at all times in all public settings, students have not only developed intense blackheads; they’ve also been fomenting some seriously dangerous bad breath. The University has taken decisive steps to combat this new threat to public health.  


BREAKING: Penn to Convert Smokes Into Indian Restaurant

On Wednesday nights, Sink or Swim will be discontinued and replaced with CIS 160 tutoring.


Blessed Omen: I Asked My Therapist to Call Me Angel. She Took It Too Far

אבל כל המסעות חייבים להסתיים שכן רק על ידי הפסקת מסע זה בכלל מסע, אחרת אנחנו מעמידים את עצמנו במצב מתמיד של תנופה, בלי יכולת ליישם את ממצאי המסע שלנו. אָמֵן.


Bold! Girl Online Shopping in Front Row Buying Ugly Clothes

That half-zebra print, half-cheetah print bodysuit with ‘Vegan Babe’ emblazoned in lime green? Absolutely hideous! And yet this fearless pioneer added that to her cart within seconds, in full view by the lecture hall of students behind her.  


Anonymous Sorority Welcomes Undisclosed Number of Unknown People Into New Pledge Class

We have been alerted that these lovely women love birdwatching, and often are missing from their rooms at night searching for owls. “We love owls.”


OP-ED: Penn Should Provide Greek Life Members With Security Blankie, Mommy’s Milk

And besides, what else does Penn need to be spending money on? Subsidizing cost of living for FGLI students? Expanding financial aid packages?




OP-ED: Penn Should Replace the Living World Sector With the FitnessGram PACER Test

Here’s my take on the Living World Sector. We are living. We are in the world. If we wanna live longer in the world, let's do some running!


Photo Essay: Penn Architecture Society's Building Beautification Proposal

The Penn Architecture Society suggests these alterations.


OP-ED: Should Women Go to College?

My mom didn't, so why should I?


OP-ED: It’s Time to Get That Nose Job, Stacey

Look in the mirror, you ugly piece of shit. That whopping schnoz on your face makes me literally gag. What are you, a toucan?


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