BREAKING: New UTB Writer, Alicia Lopez, Not Actually Funny
It seems like UTB made some crazy hiring decisions this round, and we as a general Penn readership can only hope that the organization takes this important job more seriously in the future.
Most Recent
Imposter Alert! Junior Who Can’t Spell 'Restaurant' Regularly Eats in Them
Okay, I’ll be honest — I’m an imposter. Despite regularly eating in restauraunts I am incapable of spelling the word ‘restraunt.’ That spelling just now was an honest try, and I must admit it brings me great shame.
Wilcaf Will Offer Cow's Milk for No Extra Charge
Proponents of cow's milk cite the ecological catastrophe that is almond milk, the estrogen content of soy milk, and the gluten in oat milk as reasons for making the switch.
"It's Like a Study Group With a House," and 4 Other Ways to Explain Greek Life to Immigrant Parents
4. "Pledging is Just Like the American Immigration Process!"
Deadline Extended! You May Now Wait Another Week to Write Our Intern App in One Frantic Evening
You piece of garbage. We know that you haven't even started our application yet, you absolute fucking mess of a human being. What have you even been doing? Homework? A likely story.
OP-ED: I’ve Been Trapped in Fisher-Bennett Hall for 56 Years. Please Let Me Out.
I’ve been in this building since it was a women’s gym. Back then, there was excitement, activity, the smell of young sweat and hope. Now, it’s just stuffy English majors pretending to be interested in Marx or The Faerie Queene. I can’t take it anymore.
OP-ED: If You See Me Walking Into Center City, Don't Stop Me, I'm Never Coming Back
I will be walking to Center City this weekend, and none of you better try to fucking stop me.
OP-ED: Parasite Was Good, but Wouldn’t It Be Better If It Were in English?
While watching Parasite, I couldn’t help but wonder how much better the film could have been if all the actors were white, speaking English, and if it took place in rural Texas.
Pennsylvania to Go Red After International Student Gets His U.S. Citizenship
Baker, who refused to concentrate in business analytics in order to focus on finance and real estate, applied for citizenship in order to stay at Blackstone in New York for a little longer, but little did he know he would now be able to vote as well!
Heartwarming! This Guy "Isn't Even That Mad" Commencement Speaker Is a Feminist
“Yeah, when I heard she was a feminist, I definitely rolled my eyes,” Chad said, shrugging his shoulders, “but I didn’t threaten to boycott the ceremony." He’s so progressive!
Eggo of the Week: Cinnamon Raisin Waffle
Meet the Penn senior who combines aromatic spices with dried fruits!
No, Throwing a Coin Into the Hill Fountain Will Not Get You Into New College House
“Since freshman year, I’ve been throwing all types of coins in there,” said Phenn. “Pennies, dimes, nickels, half-dollars, dollar coins, bitcoins — but nothing has worked."
OP-ED: Caution, Bus is Turning
Caution, bus is turning. Yes, this bus. Turning now. Right now.
Gaming Laptop Just Porn Laptop Now
Gone are the days of CS:GO and StarCraft II: Cavalcanti now uses his lil’ battlestation to explore the vast and welcoming realm of digital pleasures.
Oh Goodie! Professor Dunkin Is About to Talk About His Pastoral German Childhood Again
“If you guys thought the midterm was tough, try weeding the entire backyard in time for dinner,” Dunkin reminisced, staring off into the distance. “Now that’s what I call tough.”
3 Tips From Club Penguin That Will Improve Your Sex Life
The sensual, voiceless, man-sized penguin can actually teach us a lot about life, love, and most importantly, the bedroom.
UTB Presents: Cash Elevator
In this offbeat game show, players entering the Cash Elevator have to answer trivia questions before they reach their destination in order to win. If they answer wrong, they better start climbing the stairs.
OP-ED: Each Day I Challenge My Mind Solving the NYT Mini Crossword. Can You Say the Same?
Got something to say? Oops, couldn’t hear you over the sound of the cogs turning in my brain. And we’re chugging along… one way ticket to Smartsville, baby! Population: moi.
Breaking: Calling Pete Buttigieg a Rat Is Both Good and Cool
In a world fueled by identity politics, it’s only right that we embrace Peet Buuttigieg’s identity as a dirty little rat boy.
