Student Runs Kissing Booth to Cure His Coronavirus
A young fundraising entrepreneur has taken to Locust Walk in order to raise money to cure his coronavirus.
Most Recent
Jared Withdrawing From Society to “Focus on His Music”
“To all those near and dear to me, I regret to inform you that I will no longer be engaging with you physically, socially, or emotionally. From this day forward, I plan to eat, sleep, and breathe music — my music. That I am making. I am making music,” Sampson wrote in a recent Instagram post.
Man Explains Bernie to Woman
Arnold, a PPE major, looked his girlfriend in the eyes for the first time, excited to strut his knowledge of politics, philosophy, and economics: “Actually, Bernie is the same age as Trump. And it is a verifiable scientific fact that he is more likely to win the presidency than Warren, because he is a man and she is a woman. Also, I don’t know if you know what this means, but Bernie would be much better for the economy.
Man to Vote for Bloomberg If He Sees Just One More Ad
Although a registered Democrat, Scrabis did not vote in the 2016 election. “I'm still on the fence," Scrabis said. "I've seen 47 Bloomberg ads, but I think I really need one more to convince me.”
Jewish History Class Graded 60% on Exams, 40% on Chutzpah
“Now that’s chutzpah,” Dr. Rabinowitz concluded. “And kid, you won’t get nowhere if you don’t got chutzpah.”
Yogurt Left in Fridge Over Break Now More Cultured Than Exchange Student Who Left It
After biking to Di Bruno Bros on a fancy bike, François, whose superiority over American bikes you cannot even begin to comprehend, walked in and began the selection process for the most cultured yogurts money could buy. François carefully weighed each Chobani and Siggi’s in his hands, knocking to check for ripeness and smelling to test for… aroma. You wouldn’t understand.
How to Descend the Huntsman Staircase Like a Goddamn Debutante
As your hand glides ever so sensually along the Huntsman staircase railing, you can practically hear your name being announced, the applause, the oohs and ahs.
Old Man in Pottruck Locker Room Definitely Staying Naked for Longer than Necessary
The naked old man, who said his name is Harold but declined to give his last name, said his behavior made complete sense.
OP-ED: Help, I’m Drunk in the Pottruck Pool Again
I’ve been here before. I know it — it’s a feeling I can’t seem to shake. The gentle lapping of waves. The buzz of the fluorescent lights. The chlorinated burn. The never ending drip...
OP-ED: We Need to Talk About the Chandelier in Allegro’s
Frank discussion is the first step toward genuine understanding, and I know that we are collectively baffled by the choice of light fixture in the glass-enclosed lobby of the local pizza joint.
OP-ED: Here's How Kamala Harris Can Still Win
Ok, hear me out. I know it's a long-shot, but there's still a chance, I promise. Honestly, I'd even argue that she's the front-runner at this point. Only real political science gurus like myself can see behind CNN's veil of ignorance and understand that the real Democratic candidate in 2020 will be none other than Kamala Harris.
The Results Are In! The Hottest Pets on Campus Are a Loose Rat and a Box of Bugs
After a campus wide poll, Under the Button Dot Com is proud to announce that this year’s most popular pets are a loose rat and a box of bugs. These trendy pets come with many benefits and are relatively easy to take care of—the perfect pet for any busy college student. The more one researches these cuddly cuties, the more one understands why so many students on campus are adding a loose rat and a box of bugs to their home.
OP-ED: I Exclusively Use My Carrel in VP to Film Softcore Porn
It’s tasteful — the human body is a beautiful thing. This carrel is my studio; it is my blank canvas for sensuality. This is the art form that will launch me to stardom.
BREAKING: Lindsey Thinks Her Backpack Needs Its Own Chair at Starbucks
“Well here’s what I wish I’d said. I wish I would’ve been like, 'okay sweetheart. Here’s what’s gonna happen. You’re gonna move your bag from this chair, you’re gonna pull it out for me so I can sit down, and you’re gonna apologize to me for my troubles. Then, you’re gonna pack up your stuff, walk out the door, and never show your face here again…' But instead I just apologized for bothering her, did a weird little bow, and ran out without picking up my drink.”
BREAKING: Andrew Yang Secures Huge Endorsement From Guy in My Poli Sci Lecture
In a highly awaited endorsement announcement, Luke from my Poly Sci 100 lecture has announced his support for Andrew Yang's 2020 presidential campaign. In a 3-minute speech viewed by hundreds in College Hall 200, as well as an impatient professor, Luke walked the entire class through his thought process and rationale for this decision.
Holiday Lights Outside of Frat Bring Festive Mood to The Sexual Misconduct Currently Happening
Sure, it might be unpleasant for the women of this university to feel unsafe in the spaces that undeniably dominate this campus’ social scene, but at least there are some pretty lights outside. Yea, it would be nice for Bennett to understand the concept of personal space and boundaries, but he was probably too busy setting up the lights to realize how his actions make women uncomfortable.
Patrick's Conversation Tips
Hi, my name is Patrick. I've overheard thousands of conversations and have been included in 3 or 4. If you're not a gifted conversationalist like me, you might be wondering, "how do I do these dang things?" But don't worry pal, I'm here for you. Here are some helpful tips that can get you started.
Hungover Student Has to Explain to Parents Why He Donated to Michael Bennet’s Campaign
Jasper woke up Sunday morning with a slight headache, a dry mouth, two missed calls, and 12 text messages from his parents. He cursed. It happened again. He'd donated five dollars to Senator Michael Bennet’s presidential campaign.
Report: 90% of Penn Operating Budget Goes Toward Powering Oscillating Sculpture in LRSM Lobby
“Hold on, hold on, so let me get this straight. You guys want us to put more money toward improving student life?” Stanton bellowed between fits of laughter. “What is this — a university?”
