Under the Button is part of a student-run nonprofit.

Please support us by disabling your ad blocker on our site.

Most Recent


Penn Glee Club Integrates With Penn Sirens, Dhamaka, TEP, Penn Polish Club, the Netter Center, Gregory College House, Locust Protesters, Penn Catholic Newman Community, Allied Universal Workers, Linguistics Majors, and Your Mom

The Penn Glee Club made history by integrating women and dancers and the frat brothers that sell you weed and Poles and do-gooders and freshmen that got fucked over in housing selection and God-fearers and more God-fearers and the people that are most likely to have weapons on campus and soon-to-be unemployed students and fat skanks into their historically TTBB choir. 


“You Don’t Understand Me!” and Other Zingers for a Constructive Disagreement With Your Parents

 "I hate you!" is the perfect phrase to yell at your parents as you beg them to love you and give you everything you ask for.


Wow! Mediocre Man Emotionally Unavailable

You loved him. He averaged around 50 hours before he texted you back each time. You did not once experience orgasm during sex with him. What a king!


‘Skabort!’ and Other Onomatopoeia to Spice up Your Sex Life

We promise "Skabort" will be a crowd favorite at your next orgy.


Innovative! Sad Girl Takes Crying Selfie to Prove She Is Sad

She lamented her harrowing life as a young white girl. 


English Major Enters 11th Month of Reading Same Paperback

At this point, Lopez requested a nicotine break. 


LGBT Win! Penn Closet Rebrands as “Penn Come Out of the Closet”

In addition to the rebrand of their store name, they will be offering complimentary hits of poppers to all customers, expanding their jockstrap collection, and offering discounts on ketamine after your tenth purchase.


Report: High School Friends Remain Uncultured, Uneducated Swine

They are, in essence, pigs rolling around in a trough.


Penn Institutes Footloose Rules to Prevent Covid-19 Outbreak in the Fall

After Amy Gutmann's recent viewing of Footloose (1984) and her subsequent conversion to Christianity, she updated the Campus Compact to reflect the rules upheld in Elmore City: no dancing and absolutely no rock-and-roll music.


OP-ED: I'm Hungies

YES! Let’s just smoke a cigarette. Delish! Nothing tastes better than that.


Incel to Give Up Sex for Lent

Instead of society deeming him undesirable and unworthy of getting intimate with another human being, Jared will not be fucking to honor his Savior Jesus Christ instead.


Admissions Committee Announces That 70% Of Senior Class Would Not Be Admitted and Does Not Deserve to be Here

The statement went on to detail that upwards of 70% of the senior class would not be admitted if they applied to Penn again and fundamentally do not deserve to be here. 


30x30: 30 Hits for 30 Days

Go outdoors, get high, and take a mindful minute. 


How to Avoid Getting Covid

I found this website called Corona Cures XXX that gave a lot of cures that haven’t been circulated by mainstream medicine, among other things. 


Save Time With Internship Applications By Sending Your Resume Straight to the Trash

Companies will appreciate your forward-thinking and might even take your initiative into account when they consider your application.  


Advanced Registration, Finding a Subletter, and 4 Other Activities Guaranteed to Give You a Blood Clot

For all the anti-vaxxers, anti-waxxers, anti-inheritance-taxxers, and anti-sexual-climaxxers out there - do you commonly find yourself wishing that you too had equal access to life-threatening blood clots?


Amy Gutmann Wins Every Single Event in The Penn Relays For Second Year In Row

Through urine testing and vehement denial, Gutmann seems to have successfully distanced herself from the allegations of doping that were raised last year. 


Dinner Once Again Hinges on 5 Oz. Bottle of Tabasco

Thanks to the McIlhenny Company, Fortson’s cooking has been made tolerable for the past couple of weeks.


OP-ED: Wanna See a Card Trick?

Sure you do.


Johnson and Johnson Relieved They Took This Class Pass/Fail

 Star students Pfizer and Moderna scored 95 on the first midterm while JnJ bombed to a 70. Forced to swallow their pride, JnJ panic-switched to pass/fail the night of the deadline.  


PennConnects