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Campus Laundry Service Now Provides an Ass-wiping Subscription Package

"FirstServices has definitely asked me to do gross things for minimum wage in the past, but never this."


Frat Brothers Throw Epic Epidemic-Themed Downtown

Surgical masks were donned and chilled bottles of Corona were shared as everyone moshed to “Sicko Mode” and discoed to “Stayin’ Alive” 


Please Do Not Contact Me. I Am Taking a Long, Sensual Bath in the Kelly Writers House Bathroom.

I won’t be checking my texts — I’ve gone off the grid.


OP-ED: The Penn Community Has an Obligation to Steal Everything from Fro Gro Before It Closes

Everyone who has gone to Fro Gro knows that it is more difficult to pay for items than it is to steal them. In this vein, paying for items is both an excessive display of wealth and a gratuitous means of holding up the self-checkout line. 


After Months of Excavation, Penn Archaeologists Find Single Piece of Chicken in My Honeygrow Bowl

“This was our toughest dig yet,” noted Lee, who has conducted decade-long digs in Oman, Iraq, and Mongolia.


Sad: Perry the Platypus Kicked Out of His World House

"This is fucking bullshit," remarked Perry as he scoured Airbnb to find a new home. "I built this entire establishment with my own bill and beavertail. Do these fuckers even know who I AM? My name is Agent Fucking P, and you'll be hearing from me in court."


OP-ED: You'll Be Sorry

Oh, are you sad? Are you gonna cry? Are you gonna fucking cry like a wittle baby? Oh, that’s just classic. "But I love you, FroGro," you'll say through tears. Really? Then where were you when I needed you? 


Fro Gro Bag Lives Thrilling Second Life as Bathroom Trash Can Liner

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag? Well, it might be time to rethink the premise of that philosophical inquiry.


New Study Reveals Europeans Immune From Lung Cancer

There’s nothing quite like being hit with the smell of a freshly lit cigarette as you exit the library fresh from an all-nighter, probably being smoked by someone speaking a language you don’t understand.


Amy Gutmann’s Husband Furious That She Keeps Gentrifying the Backyard

Much to the chagrin of her husband, she appears to be scheming new gentrification initiatives left-and-right, most recently approving the development of a 4th high-rise in the small alcove where the local West Philadelphia rabbits reside.


University of Pennsylvania to Suspend University of Pennsylvania Following Hazing Concerns

When asked by a reporter if, instead, the university could simply just stop hazing its students, the president replied, “No.”


Meet the Man With Three Fridges and No Vegetables

Henry is a 21-year-old Wharton student with a love of Corona and a mild case of scurvy. He and his roommates (Chad, Brad, and Mad (short for Madthew)) have three fridges in their Hamilton Court apartment. And yet, a thorough inspection of these fridges would yield not a single vegetable. We sat down with Henry to learn more about his story.


Penn Culture Gone Too Far? This Environmental Club Calls Itself a Frat

Ep Eta has two choices: it can either rebrand itself as simply an environmental club or fully embrace what it means to be a fraternity and make all its members eat bullfrogs.


Gutmann Blows Through Endowment During Feb Club Atlantic City Trip

Onlookers report that Gutmann strutted into the Tropicana casino Saturday night and barreled straight to the roulette table, saying, "I'll put the Class of 2024's financial aid on red, please."


Google Campus Recruiters Highlight Partnership With Raytheon Developing Autonomous, Child-Seeking Missiles

Packaged as part of a broader initiative aimed at deepening ties between the Pentagon and Google, campus recruiters are seeking to appeal to Penn students’ sense of patriotic duty, unaware they have none.


It's Over: Professor Discovered Joy Division

According to firsthand reports, biology students have agreed to hold out until Dorsett at least discovers New Order.


Dan to Share Twin Xl With Tourist After Roommate Airbnb's His Side of the Room

Penn has given no formal comment on renting out college dorm rooms, however, Wharton Entrepreneurs is offering seed funds for anyone wishing to take advantage of this inefficiency in the free market.  


OP-ED: Penn Should Pay PILOTS Because Aviators Matter Too

Penn should pay PILOTS because aviators matter too, and I'm sick and tired of airplane PILOTS not being given the compensation they so clearly deserve.


Wharton Woman Makes Very Important Business Call

"Michael? Michael? What's the portfolio looking like?"


A Definitive Ranking of Toilet Water Across Penn’s Campus

Here are the top three toilets to sip from across campus.


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