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New College House West to Be Built out of Cardboard

The new dorm building, which will be designed by famed 6-year-old architect Calvin and his associate Hobbes, will be built using materials supplied by Amazon@Penn. For instance, walls and structural elements will be constructed with cardboard and fastened with postage tape; recycling bins will be used as toilets. 


Win! Senior Psych Major Can Finally Spell Physiological

While sitting in his PSYC 162 lecture, Doyle perfectly spelled physiological in his notes.


OP-ED: Include Amy Gutmann’s House in the Second-Year Experience

A select group of high-achieving, outgoing, white, male second years would be selected to board with Gutmann and her husband in their 13,975 square-foot house on Walnut. This would allow Gutmann to show solidarity with the sophomores, who must now overpay for a shared room with a hotel kitchenette.


Wharton Student Assures Employer That ‘Community Service Was a One-Time Mistake’

Natasha posted on her LinkedIn later that night. u201cThis does not reflect on my character as a worker and was a one time mistake. This does not represent who I am.u201d


How to Adjust Your Velcro Shoes During a Midterm

Slowly undo the velcro on both shoes. Really draw it out so that people will think that you’re done before hearing even more separating velcro.


OP-ED: I Ordered a Mango Dragon Fruit Refresher from Stommons and They Actually Gave It to Me

Never (never) have I been able to indulge in the sweet, elusive nectar that is the Mango Dragon Fruit Refresher.


I Love Exploring Philly. Have You Been to Parc?

Basically, what I’m saying is that I know how to appreciate living in Philadelphia. I explore, and sometimes I take pictures since I like to document the neat things I see.


Penn to Divest from Fossil Fuels

FFP is part of a larger international divestment movement, led by 350.org. Since its inception seven years ago, the campaign has been so effective in moving capital away from the fossil fuel industry that it was cited by Peabody Energy as one of the primary reasons they were forced to declare bankruptcy in 2016.


Frontera Order Taking Even Longer Than Usual

On March 6th, Grace Qi (C '21) ordered a chipotle chicken torta with a side of chips and guacamole from Frontera. For the last seven months, she has been waiting for her order on the ground floor of Arch Cafe. For over half a year, she has subsisted solely on chip crumbs and rats she managed to capture from the Frontera kitchen area. 


Taking Econ? Sorry, Nerd, Me and My Friends Were Busy Being Sexy

You probably look up to Elon Musk, yeah?


'It's Not a Frat House, It's a Frat Home,' Says Freshman with Quasi-Stockholm Syndrome

Upon further inquiry into Staleman’s life at home, Staleman replied “I would drink piss for my boys. I have drunk piss for my boys! And I don’t even mean natty lite bro. Piss into my mouth, bro! Do it, bro!”


OP-ED: Phew at Least We’re Showing up Late Together

Oh hey! Are you also heading over to class now? Sweet me too. I was worried I was going to be late, but you’re here too.


Sophomore off Meal Plan Will Totally Save Bank Purchasing Flamin' Hot Cheetos in Bulk

Me purchasing Flamin’ Hot Cheetos and making them my exclusive energy source is the pinnacle of economic efficiency.


Franzia Unveils New Boyfriend-Sized Bag of Sunset Blush

It has everything a single Penn student could want: the proportions of a 21-year-old male and 2,400 fluid ounces of crisp rose. It’s just like your old boyfriend except it’s full of bad wine instead of a bad personality. 


Duality of Woman! Chloe Went to the Climate Strike but Doesn't Know How to Recycle

Chloe Jameson (E ’20) is one of many participants. You can find her sitting cross-legged in College Hall, demanding Penn’s divestment from oil, coal, and gas companies, chanting about the looming threat of sea-level rise. But, what if you ask her which bin to put a crumpled sheet of paper in? Expect a blank stare in return. 


Op-Ed: Do My Roommates Have Terrible Taste in Music or Do I Just Hate Them

Picture this: I’m sitting in my room and I hear music through the wall, coming from the shared living space in this house. I wouldn’t describe the music as pleasant. In fact, it was absolutely heinous. Usually, I’m a pretty considerate roommate. Low maintenance. Chill. But if I have to listen to this playlist for another second of my life, I’m going to fucking lose it.


How a Slight Nod and Penn Maintenance Shirt Got Me into Castle

I can honestly report that Castle parties really aren’t that great — people just asked me if I could unclog the upstairs bathroom drain.


OP-ED: I Downloaded TikTok Because I Am a Sadomasochist

 I now stare at my phone for hours, laughing at videos that are nearly identical.


Quiz: What Does Your PennID Say About Your Future?

Step right up and experience the interactive fortune-telling magic brought to you by UTB! It’s simple: all you need to do is enter your 8-digit PennID into the box below, and you will receive your own unique, personalized fortune. Will you be wealthy? Will you find love? I don’t know!


Report: New UTB Staff Writer Patrick Rich Actually Very Cool, Nice 

Several informants confirmed that Patrick could often be seen looking cool while being nice to people around campus. 


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