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Magill Announces Fossil Fuel Divestment, Crosses Fingers Behind Her Back

“Ending the University’s support of fossil fuels has always been a priority of ours,” she said as the Board of Trustees giggled behind her. 

OP-ED: Give Me a Wet, Sloppy European Kiss on the Cheek

Get it over with, wet and sloppy, just like I asked.

Your Decorations Are So Cute! And 7 Other Lies Guaranteed to Get You Friends in College

“You’re so good at Math 1400… I wish I could do derivatives like you.”

Heartbreaking: Local Frat Brother Remains Blissfully Unaware That His Life Will Peak in 17 Hours and 21 Minutes

“We project that [Josh Williamson’s] life satisfaction will truly reach a global maximum at 2:23 am tonight,” says Dr. Michael Harrison, director of the Center for Lost Connections and Lifelong Regrets.

Shocking! Worst Looking Frat Brother is Worst Smelling Person at Pottruck

No like genuinely why do they always smell like salty day-old spinach

Oh, Hell Yeah: I Run Into My Best Friend at One of the Two Locations We Always Frequent on Campus

Hell yeah. I see you, brother. I come to you. One day I will weep for this. 

Penn to Unveil New A Cappella Group Made Up of Just People Coughing in Fisher Fine Arts Library

Schmitt founded the Treble Cough acapella group to do just that: amplify the sounds of Penn’s most prolific disruptive coughers.

Take Your Mind off of Academic Woes! Browse These Fall-Fun-Photos of Amy G’s Warm Toned Midcentury Princeton Home on Zillow

Everything about this house says: I was the longest serving president in Penn history.

Quiz: Can You Tell How Svelte I Am Based on How Cute I Sneeze?

This quiz will determine whether YOU get into heaven. 

Clueless Mom Fails to Comprehend That Glow Party Takes Precedent Over Home-Cooked Meal

After all, her son was both an Economics major and a short king. Legend.

im so lonely im gonna mert myself

taketh me hence in an ambulance, a warmeth forehead’s kiss <3

Magill Spotted Hanging Sneakers Around Campus Amidst “Penn-trification” Accusations

Eyewitnesses report a shorter woman in a trench coat throwing shoes on wires in an attempt to change the campus's optics.

This Frat Party Was Just Okay... Then It Played Pepas

I don’t know what they’re saying or what Pepas means, but right at that moment, this shindig became legendary.

Aw Shucks! Former CIS 160 TA Now Works at Apple Genius Bar

He got a FAANG acceptance!

OP-ED: I Am a True Artist Who Cannot “Come to Club Meeting” or “Buy Alc for Pregame”

Shall I let the image of me approaching imminent death hang above my head like the Sword of Damocles? My mortality alone is principle enough.

BREAKING: Wharton First-Year Edges HOWWWW MANY PEOPLE???

According to a tiny, fine-print line written in the Constitution by our Founding Fathers, it states We MUST Not Edge for Political Gain.

Google Maps to Correct Walking Directions’ ETAs to Account For Insufferable Locust Walk Small Talk

More advanced features from Google rumored for the near future include the ability to upload your ex’s class schedule into the app for Google’s AI to predict where they might be walking — and to direct you away.

Chinese Politburo Ranks Penn Second for Ideological Orthodoxy After Peking University

 “Long live Xi Jinping Thought!” proclaimed Liz Magill.

BREAKING: Confucius Appointed as New University Provost

Confucius will replace Beth Winkelstein, bioengineering professor and interim provost. Confucius will be the first Chinese, first Confucian, as well as the first non-living individual to serve as Penn provost.