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Well-Written! This Study Shows, But Doesn't Tell

“It’s like, that’s for you to decide. We’re not gonna sit here and say ‘binge drinking unequivocally has a negative impact on your health.’ Nope, that’s just not our style. We’ll show you the scans of the liver, and then it's up to you, the reader, to find meaning."


Oh You Can’t Name Five Brothers? Take a Lap

Yeah, I’m sorry man, I can’t let all of you guys in unless you know other brothers in the house. I don’t make the rules! Well…actually…I kind of do.


Thanks Guys! Penn Shortens Thanksgiving Break

“This makes things so much easier! My family is going to eat Thanksgiving dinner at the LAX P.F. Chang’s with me, then I’ll get right back on the plane and head back to Philly that night. Convenient!”


Greek Lady and Yiro Yiro Call Upon Zeus and Poseidon in Battle for Gyro Supremacy

Poseidon had the power to make every Greek Lady gyro just over the correct amount of moistness, which ruined each meal.


Guest Lecturer Droning On About Same Bullshit As Regular Lecturer

Students eagerly awaited someone who would be radically different than the lecturer who’d accounted for a whopping 27 hours of their online shopping time.


OP-ED: All Lectures Should Be Asynchronous and Our Eyes Should Be Replaced with Cybernetic Implants

Do we want to be left in the dust when the colossal machine that is globalization sweeps by? Or do we want to gouge out our eyeballs, excavate all of the vitreous humor, and insert spherical seeing devices designed by our top scientists and engineers into the gaps?


OP-ED: Let’s Not Cancel Mansplaining Because I Actually Don’t Understand Anything

No, I don’t understand what the fuck a supply shortage is and why it is causing the Starbucks on 40th and Walnut to be out of stock of the breakfast sandwich I eat every single day. 


A Trip Into Psychedelic Medicine: I Took Ketamine at a Party

No, Mom and Dad, this is not some irresponsible decision or “proof that I need to get my shit together.” This is ketamine, and now researchers say that it has the potential to help heal from trauma or treat mental illness or something, I don’t really know. 


Meet the Penn Students Who Ghostwrite All of My Articles

We’re the Penn students who ghostwrite all of Ian’s articles Yeah Yeah Hehe It’s not easy work but he pays us in exposure Speak for yourself muchacho Hehe Guys! Shut up! For Pete’s sake! Let her speak!


A Cappella Show Review: They Just Sang the Cup Song Over and Over Again

The rest of the show went on this way, with each new version of the song adding a new cup in the background, as well as occasional harmonizing.  


Flummoxing: Student Won’t Stop Forcing Newly Learned Word Into Every Conversation

As he walked back to his dorm from Wawa, he continued to impose his superior intellect on all who walked by him, making snide remarks such as “How flummoxing the weather is today,” and “What flummoxing shoes you have.”


BREAKING: Allegro Bans Masks After 12:00 AM

In order to shield any nerd who might decide to wear a mask at such a late hour from ridicule, Allegro has decided to fully ban masks in the interest of safety. 


Inspiring: Brave Student Transforms Roommate's Side of Dorm into Compost Pile

Tired of indolence on the part of faculty and students, Stewart took the matter into his own hands by converting a non-necessary part of his dorm room, his roommateu2019s half of the room, into a fully functioning compost pile. 


Screw It: University to Convert Harnwell into New SeaWorld Location

“Screw it, release the dolphins,” Director of Residential Services Justin Hopper muttered, staring at the water leaking out the windows on the 22nd floor.


Student “Grinding Tonight” Somehow Will Be Smoking Three and a Half Joints

One moment I was by my laptop, about to type away my lab report. And then the next, I was high out of my mind. Absolutely nothing happened in between. I was as confused as you are.


Feminist of the Week! Frat Brother Pours Me Water Instead of Spiking My Drink

Meet the man who is single-handedly reversing gender roles and saving damsels in distress.


OP-ED: I Am “Normalizing” My ADHD by Using It as an Excuse to Get Out of Things

No, I cannot clean my dinner off the dining room table because I am having a “bad brain day.”


Girl With Main Character Complex Finds Her Coming of Age Story Has Lots of Aging, Not Enough Coming

After binge watching all the Timothée Chalamet movies that she could get her pissy, grubby little paws on, she developed an unfortunate main character complex. 


BREAKING: Your Dad Outed You to Your Grandparents Because ”You Were Taking Too Long"

To make matters worse, he told them by custom bitmoji.


Girl Who Bikes Wants You to Know She Bikes

If I am being honest, I would rather eat nails and shit them out one by one than walk.


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