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Intro to Marketing Professor Calls for All Essays to be Written in Clickbait Format AND YOU WON’T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED NEXT

"Stuart March (C’23) discovered how to achieve incredible results in the class with one simple trick and posted a picture of the email to Reddit with the title 'This is the LAST marketing class you’ll EVER need.'"

BREAKING: A New Annotation Has Been Added to Your Canvas Submission

That night, everything becomes clear under the ruthless moonlight. A new annotation has indeed been added to your canvas submission. MATH114 TA Bob Greisch has assessed your quiz and annotated: “None of these steps really help you get towards upper triangular.”

Annenberg Study Finds That Everyone Just Needs to Chill Out a Bit

“What we did was have our trained research fellows go out and observe people. They would look and see if people were like kinda chill and just vibing or if they were totally nutty and psycho,” Dubois said.

Freshman Being Bullied in Sorority Groupchat Happy to Have Finally Found Her Sisters

I’ll have another chemistry midterm, but the approval of a top tier frat can’t be regained once it’s gone.

Penn Party Denier Just Has Really Strong Cold

Literally, like literally, no parties have been going on whatsoever. 

What the Hell? Someone On Floor Cooking Steak au Poivre Again

What is that succulent scent wafting through the hallowed halls of Harnwell? God damn it. Is that steak au poivre?

Job Too Stressful: Amy to Self Care in NY

Take care of yourself bb <3

Sturdy Girl Looking for Well-Balanced Guy

Please send in a picture (FULL BODY!!!) and a brief description of yourself. Include BMI, favorite position, income, and list of daily vitamins. I promise that if you are the right fit, we will have an amazing time together :) 

Good Vibes 20% Effective Against UK Variant

The study survey created to code and quantify the good vibes variable among students showed a strong relationship between getting covid and feeling bad.

COVID-19 Slay! Couples Share Saliva Vial to Save Time Getting Tested

 Due to these new testing protocols, there has been an increase in elaborate kissing outside of testing centers.  

Freak Freshman Is "Fired up and Ready to Go" After Fully Recharging in Two-Day Spring Stay

 “Wednesday. Thursday. Two full days off— just amazing really,” Chapman said. 

Architect Who Worked on High Rises Honestly Shocked They All Still Standing

“No, no, this is all wrong,” muttered the nonagenarian, watching in horror as students blithely walked in and out of the miraculously sturdy residence halls. “Holy shit.”

Student Who Hasn’t Eaten in 30 Minutes Hands Back Jolly Rancher Blue Spit Test

Jacob doesn’t even eat Jolly Ranchers. “I mean, don’t look in the cabinet, but if you do, the big bag of them in the kitchen belongs to my roommate.” 

OP-ED: Penn Greek Life Spreading COVID-19 Is Dismissive Towards Those in the Philadelphia Community That Failed To Get Bids

“It’s disrespectful towards those in the Philadelphia community who have always been hospitable towards these kids and literally can’t even get into an invite-only rush event. It’s bullshit.”

Ego of the Weak: Under the Button

UTB: It feels amazing knowing that we’re the sole source of news on this campus. 

Report: Second Floor Panera Bread Fraught With the Hostile Stares of the Better Adjusted

But is any of this effort enough to gear me up for the absolute bloodbath on the second floor of Panera Bread? 

Fuck: Talented Writer in Your Creative Writing Workshop Is Actually in SEAS

On top of being talented in creative writing, Fiona was also exceedingly employable.

Kate Gives Up for Lent

Holy life tip: just give up.

Spring Stay? More Like Spring Slay

Honestly, I feel like the break was a little bit too long if you know what I mean… like for a second there I almost stopped thinking about the ten midterm assignments I have to turn in by Monday.