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OP-ED: On St. Patrick's Day, Students from All Walks of Life Turned up to Support the Green New Deal

As I looked across campus, I couldn't miss the mass movement of students turning up in all shades of green, making their total commitment to a progressive Green New Deal heard loud and clear. 


Pledge Given Sock by Senior Brother, Is Finally Free

Universally known to be a “gigantic fuck-up,” giving a pledge a sock calls for his immediate induction into the brotherhood per the bylaws of the Interfraternity Council.


Reminder: Advance Registration Closed Last Night

Students who did not register may alternatively enroll in CIS 675, PHYS 982, or PHIL 10010043, which are all still open.


Sophomore Starts Gang Violence Rumor to Validate Uber Ride From Radian to Mixer

“I couldn’t walk there, I couldn’t have people judge me for Ubering, I couldn’t disrespect the boys of Beta Beta by not prioritizing their party.”


Meet Devin: My Baby Quaker Who Got a Contact High and Ate All of My Salami

I’ll keep this short. This Devin Wasserman kid is a little punk.


Breaking: Freshman Boy Lost Virginity over Break to “a Girl from Home”

She was so flexible when we did sex! I was able to see into her whole belly button. Fellas, us non-virgins here know how hot that is.


Frat Boy’s Facebook Party Description Awarded the BRO-Litzer Prize for Literature

The events are carefully reviewed by a committee of esteemed writers who judge the pieces on a myriad of qualifications. 


Guy Who Listened to Classical Music While Studying Fails Exam with Smile and Peace of Mind

Sitting down in a seat was an ordeal in itself; Brewer was practically top-heavy thanks to his enormous brain.


Frontera Is Closing, and of Course It Will Take Months

Frontera takes a month to make a sandwich, so really, all things considered, it's pretty impressive that they might be able to close entirely within just a few months. The scariest part about Frontera closing is that it's possible that they'll close before finishing someone's meal.


Wawa to Start Charging for Water, Entire Freshman Class Dies of Thirst

“It’s tragic, but all of the medical professionals agree – this class is just far too thirsty to survive, and this Wawa incident has proved that once and for all.”


How Does She Do It? Meet the Girl Who Fit a Laptop and Three Beverages on a Penn Desk

That’s right, folks. Lindsey can fit her Nalgene, large coffee, and cold pressed grapefruit juice all on the same desk. 


OP-ED: I Swear It Was a Deviated Septum. Dr. Blum Doesn’t Even Do Cosmetic Procedures.

Dr. Blum is a real doctor, a surgeon. He doesn’t do cosmetic procedures.


Innovative! This Girl Uses Google Calendar to Manage Her Dick Appointments

By optimizing my dick appointments, I not only have an incredible amount of sex but also have enough time to call dad at seven.


Student with 6 Hour Layover Ready to Kill His Poly Sci Midterm After CNN Binge

UTB did the math and plugged the amount of subtitles that Chiren read into our proprietary algorithm. We determined it was exactly equivalent to the 350 pages of reading that he was supposed to do instead. 


Uh-Oh: Kyle Just Started a Sentence with "I'm Not Racist, But..."

Up flies Kyle’s hand. Uh-oh. He’s exactly who his name suggests he is.


OP-ED: I Want a Job Where I Can Give Back, Because I'm Not Qualified for All the Competitive Jobs

I’m simply not qualified to get any of the jobs where I can shit all over the poor and not even know I’m doing it.


Penn Records Achieves Largest Stamp Collection, Most Balls Juggled

The nation’s only collegiate organization focused only on setting world records.


"I Shit Scum like You," Says Penn Cop to Visiting High Schooler

During his visit to campus, Tucker O'Connell stole a mango Naked juice from Gourmet Grocer.


DOJ to Investigate Admission of Swim Team Athlete Wearing Floaties

After indicting former Penn Basketball coach Jerome Allen for accepting bribes to recruit a student, the Department of Justice set their sights on another case, this one involving Tate Dentworth (W '20), the only member of the men’s swim team who wears flotation devices when competing.


POP-ED: Hey Champ, How’s College? Your Mom and I Are so Proud of You. Call Us Sometime

I know you were really stressed out about that calculus class when we last spoke a few months ago. I hope it’s going better! You are so smart.


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