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Report: CIS Major in Your Japanese Class Definitely Has No Ulterior Motives Whatsoever

Kyle, who typically takes on a workload of six-and-a-half STEM classes, has made the bold choice this semester to enroll in an introductory course in the Japanese department.


Wendell Pritchett Not Mad, Just Disappointed

Wendell knew that they were just misguided rugrats that needed a little love and support to stop them from killing the innocent people in West Philly.  


Sorry Babe, r/WallStreetBets Says I Should Short This Relationship

r/WallStreetBets' top post today was to short you.  They called you overvalued. 


Instagram to Add Warning Before Any Happy Couple Post

The warning text reads “Happy couple alert! They might be kissing, holding hands, or proposing. Are you sure you’re mentally stable enough to feel the weight of your own loneliness?” 


Good for Her! Stephanie Dating Actual Homosexual Man

They don’t have sex, but that’s not really important. The closest they get is giving each other facials. 


Five Trending Pillow Talk Topics To Get Them Hot and Heavy

*whispers sensually* equitable pay for all 


Innovative! This Introduction to Biology Class Will Be Making Cuts Each Lecture Until One Person Remains

This impressive score is thanks, in part, to Bernstein's innovative strategy to make the class as difficult and stressful as possible: He will be making cuts each week, until just one student remains. 


Hurrah, Hurrah! PennOpen Pass Red and Blue

Wow, interesting! Chloe Clark’s (C ‘22) PennOpen Pass is a wondrous mashup of cherry red and oceanic blue. So chic, and totally showing off school spirit to boot!


Yup, I Counted: There Are Exactly 1283 Smears in This Tile

But I have to concede that there actually might be fewer smears than counted. I might’ve accidentally counted some of my own hairs. Or my suitemates’. Or some rat that ran across my floor.


Greek Life Members Head to Greek Rank to Build Wholesome and Inclusive COVID-Safe Online Community

The famously loving and prudent Greek life community has not let the coronavirus pandemic stop them from creating safe spaces for their members to thrive. 


Disappointing: Mask and Wig Still Not Funny

Have you heard their jokes? How have these guys achieved international stardom? 


Breaking: University to Begin Offering B.A. in Astrology

This announcement comes on the heels of the entire world’s impending spiritual transformation under a global pandemic.


UPenn Alert: One Person Voluntarily Releases Their Belongings to Another (Unarmed Robbery)

Last Friday night as you stumbled back from your COVID-safe hangout with all forty of your closest besties - it happened. A stranger approached you for your wallet and you – being the little bitch you are – gave it to them.


Ban on Mansplaining Temporarily Lifted for Super Bowl Weekend

Despite the year’s setbacks, the Football club (?) has moved forward with the time-honored, yearly tradition of Super Bowl Sunday.


DP Exposé Exposes No Names, No Organizations, No Events

Despite evidence of Greek life negligence abounding on campus and off, there simply "wasn’t enough evidence" to publish an article to hold the perpetrators accountable.  



Breaking: Off-Campus Sorority Holds Workshop Teaching Needy Kids How to Copy & Paste

“We noticed that for some reason this is a skill that not everybody has,” explained sorority member, Emma Jones. 


Philly Heroes! Frats Holding Events Downtown To Support Local Restaurants

So frats made a commitment: they were going to host their date nights, rush events, and BYOs at bars and restaurants in the community -- all to stimulate the economy, of course. | Megan Striff-Cave & Grace Ginsburg 




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