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Women: Misogynists?

Without women, there would be no sexism


Steady, Incompressible, Non-Viscous: Your Ideal Boyfriend, or Bernoulli’s Equation for Fluid Dynamics?

In the expansive world of fluid dynamics, fluid flow can occasionally be idealized by Bernoulli's Equation, which states p + 0.5(ρV^2) + ρgh = c.


Tired Of Boring Campus Scents? Discover New Smells With SEPTA

Are you tired of the musty smell of your Quad room, where the ceiling could cave in at any moment due to the happy little colonies of mold slowly consuming the ceiling like how time slowly consumes your life? 


Productivity Win! Student Finishes One Third of Assignment and Takes Sexy Mirror Pic

Sure, homework is ‘important,’ and there are ‘deadlines,’ but sexy mirror pics are timeless.  I won’t have this bod forever!


Breaking: UTB Rebrands As up the Butt in Support of Our Gays

Look out Penn: the gays are coming


New Prez Magill to Go By ‘L-Dawg’ to Get Down With the Kids

No cap, this bout to get lit.


This Dumbass Misspelled Pennslynavia on Their Resume

“Now that they see that my Crayon-eating brain can’t even spell the state correctly, I’ll never be able to sell my soul to dream companies like McKinsey, Bain, and Boston Conslutting Group.”


Student Activists Pledge to Fight For Low Income Americans They Are Scared to Interact With

“There are homeless Americans sleeping under shops all around the city. When I call the police to clear them, I make sure to remind our officers to treat them with respect and decency.”


OP-ED: Hear Me Out, Some Classes Need to Be Virtual

Some say that being in-person is vital for actually learning, but not enough studies have been done on the effect of in-person learning on my mental health. 


OP-ED: They Should Replace the Quad With 1,500 Individual Tiny Homes

This is the new Freshman experience.


College Board: Wordle to Replace SAT

Many schools have already announced that they will be going Wordle-optional for the foreseeable future, including Ivy League schools, Brown and Cornell.


So What My Poster of Monica Lewinsky Eating Out Bill Clinton is in my Zoom Background

Do you prefer I move my camera onto my poster of Gandhi snorting coke off of a hooker's ass? Or a make-a-wish kid on a private jet to Epstein’s Island? 


Breaking the Penn Face: Yeah I Wanna Punch You

Because if I'm not happy, nobody should be. 


Financial Aid Office Gives Crying, Broke Student Free Pen Before Telling Them to Go Fuck Themselves

While the student had initially entered the office seeking an increase in her financial aid package, she left in tears as the new owner of a very stylish pen and absolutely no money at all. 


Feminist! Huntsman To Be Renamed Huntswoman

It is rumored that similar initiatives will take place campus-wide, renaming Speakman hall and Perelman quadrangle to Speakwoman and Perelwoman, respectively.


We’re Done: UTB is Now a Site for Basic Gardening Tips

Yeah, so if you’re looking to plant some begonias or something, make sure to use nutrient rich soil, you ignoramuses. Plants, in fact, need nutrients to grow up big and strong. Christ, I know you suckers are just eating this right up.


BREAKING: Penn to Undergo Transfer of Power (From Blonde to Brunette)

That’s right — everyone’s favorite (natural) blonde, Amy Gutmann, is passing the baton to a woman with hair the color of roasted chestnuts, of smooth milk chocolate, of amorphous, stinky mud.


How To Recover After The NYT Mini Jingle Plays During Class And Your Professor Says “What Was That”

The congratulatory ditty has already escaped from your laptop speaker. 


OP-ED: They Should Replace Green Passes With the Gold Star Sticker System From Preschool

You were able to produce spit into a tube within an allotted two-week period? Gold star.


Life is Too Short to Be Sad: Here’s How to Be Downright Miserable

We are but mere mortals in the grand scheme of things, so why waste your time on this earth feeling sad? Here’s how to feel downright miserable instead.


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