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OP-ED: If You Had a Cool Mom You Wouldn’t Be on Campus

Now I can say with certainty that anyone on campus must have mommy issues. Sucks to suck. 

Humble God! Rich Student Finds Only Corner of House Not Lined With Greco-Roman Sculptures for Video Call

“I almost ran straight into one of my personal butlers on the way to the ‘Zoom Corner’ as I’ve called it,” Larue recounted, fixing up his $500 haircut with a golden comb. “I was all like — good heavens!”



"Take Me Back bb" Student on Leave of Absence Begs to Return in Spring Semester

Back in August, taking a gap semester seemed like a good idea to would-be College Sophomore Sophie Smith, but now that all her friends are back in school and she's living under her parents' roof, she has decided that the spring semester can't come soon enough.

If God Is Dead Then Who’s Been Touching Me Every Night for the Past Two Weeks

To those who insist religion is obsolete, I have one simple response: if our world is not subject to divine enchantment, then who’s been caressing my body every night around midnight? 

REPORT: Zoom A Capella Impossible and Also Unnecessary

After UTB reviewed a Shabbatones concert back in 2016, our staff figured that a Capella truly couldn't get any worse. However, following some unprecedented times back in March, it did.

5 Masturbation Tips While You're Stuck at Home

Need help whacking one out? UTB's got you covered!

Student Goes on Vacation to the Wii Sports Resort

This student is spending his quarantine at the Wii Sports Resort.

Stuck At Home: Frat Guy Missing Parties to Start Accosting Sister’s Barbies

“Don’t judge me, Kathy! I just miss campus so much and the endless opportunity to grope women…. treading the fine line between sexual misconduct and oopsie daisy!” 

Are You More of a Lanternfly or a Penn Vet Dog?

 3. Are you so super fertile that you lay egg masses containing 50 of your disgusting, humanity-destroying offspring?

Is He Cute or Is He The Only Liberal Boy in a 20-Mile Radius?

For those unfamiliar with what it’s like living in the countryside… this is similar to “Are they hot or do they have a useable private gym in their apartment complex?” and “Is he sexy or does he have a slight European accent?” 

Something Will Happen If I Keep Banging My Head On The Table

They say in every block of granite there's a sculpture, I can really feel the table bring the sculpture in me out.

City of Philadelphia to Dispatch Gritties to Protect Philly From Voter Intimidation

Most think Gritty is just some 7-foot-tall lovable, furry creature. And they would be wrong… as ‘it’ isn’t just that. Gritty is something more. A symbol of the city. A true protector of its citizens. The orange knight we deserve.

Wharton Resume Padding Club Adds 3000 New Members

Last Sunday marked the first, and only, club GBM of the year in which only 20 of the club’s 7500 total non-board members attended. During this meeting, the club’s seven presidents and 15 vice-presidents each spoke for thirty seconds about the goals for the club. 

Oops! Instagram Activist Never Registered To Vote

The UTB investigative team has come to the conclusion that reposting infographics on Instagram is Emily’s main way of fulfilling her civic duty, instead of doing boring things like voting or phone banking. 

The Best Way to Make a Difference Is to Post a Cute Graphic About Making a Difference

Sure, it’s nice to see you all repost a video of a polar bear standing on melting ice, but did you personally go to the Arctic and sacrifice yourself as a form of sustenance for the bear? That’s what I thought.

Roommate's COVID Plan Is Simply to “Vibe It Out”

Ashley reportedly wanted to “take this pandemic seriously” and “survive.” What a fucking bitch am I right? 

BREAKING: ‘Right Outside of Philly’ Actually Encompasses the Entire World

One must understand that moving right, for long enough, really just takes you back to where you started. This realization naturally leads to the conclusion that all of the globe's latitudinal and longitudinal coordinates can be included in 'right outside of Philly.'

Separate Town Halls Brings Nostalgia of Christmas for Child of Divorce

Children of divorce expected Trump to play the rule of their wife-abusing father that’s alcoholism and ever present anger management issues forced the marital trouble in the first place. 

Penn Officials Enforce Weekly Covid Testing By Breaking into Off-Campus Housing

The worst is when we get someone who starts screaming when they wake up and see you swabbing their nose. Like do you not care about your health? We’re trying to do you a favor here