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Main Line Girl Who Goes Home Every Weekend 'Starting to Miss Campus'

"On very special occasions, like the birthday of Theresa’s favorite horse, Timothée, her mother might even pick up Theresa and her laundry basket from campus."


Oh No, Teacher Trying to Draw With Trackpad on Virtual Whiteboard

The chalk teared into the board, revealing a raw, jagged equation.


Breaking: Jesus Self-Quarantining, Easter Canceled!

Recently, word came down from on High that Jesus is self-quarantining and there will be no resurrection this year. 


OP-ED: It's Insensitive To Call It A "Good" Friday

Maybe Jesus should read the room before making the brash assumption that this day could be Good. It's just rude.


OP-ED: I Had Hand, Foot, and Mouth Disease During the 2019 Football Outbreak. Here's Why Last Semester Should Be P/F Too

Luckily, I recovered from hand, foot, and mouth disease — but my GPA never will.


OP-ED: I Shaved a Slit in My Eyebrow Because I’m Doing Super Great and Feeling Super Awesome

This was not a desperate attempt at control — it was just a simple aesthetic choice.


BREAKING: Hundreds of Penn Students Receive Summer Internship Offers From Mom

The roles students will have to fulfill range from Waste and Disposables Technician to the Director of Internet and Gadgets, working directly under the head boss.


Student With Therapy Dog Discovers Xanax to Be Much Simpler Solution

When asked what the main draws of replacing his therapy dog with Xanax were, Schmidt specifically noted how, “Xanax doesn’t shit on your carpet or need to be walked.”


Sick! Noodles Left in Microwave Last Night Probably Still Okay to Eat

Upon further inspection, it was found that Daniel had indeed prepared his noodles not in water but in Skyy. 


OP-ED: My Room is Better Because I Have LEDs

Feeling down? Turn them blue. Want to have a rave in your tiny dorm room, or in search of an epileptic seizure? Click the flash button. Seeking attention because nobody is friends with you? Flash SOS in Morse code. The possibilities are endless.  


Thanks, Zoom: Professor Swinford's Uncomfortable Jokes Now Excruciating

“Alright future chemists, riddle me this: what do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?”


Photo Essay: 5 Candles My Parents Won't Let Me Light (With Reasons)

We're all looking for a little bit of light in this dark chapter of world history.


Op-Ed: I Don’t Need to Know What a Flat White Is to Order It Exclusively

Listen, I know there’s coffee in it. I know that there’s something else because it’s not just regular coffee. I don’t know how it’s different from a cappuccino or why it seems to cost more. Do I need to know these things to order it everywhere I go? No!


5 Ways to Cope with Whatever the Fuck This Is

5. Playing Monopoly with your family. For those of you who have a family, it might help your mood to dip your toes in our upcoming anarcho-capitalist dystopia by playing some friendly matches of the board game. 


Coronavirus Actually Writing Workshop for Teen Dystopian Novels

I used to think that I would never be able to create a masterpiece as good as Veronica Roth's Divergent, but now, with the COVID-19 workshop, I can really imagine what it would be like to live in a world where you can never see the light of day. It’s inspiring!


Quiz! Can YOU Remember What Classes I'm In? I Literally Don't Know Please Help Oh God

What classes am I in this semester? Asking for a friend. 



Jared Can't Wait to Write About Hardship in Grad School Applications

I can literally feel my mental health deteriorating,” lamented Jared over a Zoom video interview, as he sat outside by his heated pool. “It’s going to be tough, but if I pull through this semester and pass all my classes, well, I mean, that’s a true testament to the strength of the human will."


Five Hilarious Zoom Backgrounds That Will Get the Whole Squad Laughing

No flippin’ way, man… NO FLIPPIN’ WAY! ARE YOU IN FLIPPIN' SAN FRANCISCO RIGHT NOW?? Is that… IS THAT THE GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE???


OP-ED: I Want to Receive Shiny Smiley Face Stickers on My Transcript Instead of Grades

Although graduate programs may be confused as to how to interpret the stickers, I think they’ll quickly learn that anything holographic is innately superior to any sticker that has a flaccid, one-dimensional color scheme.


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