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Why Are DP Sports Columnists Under the Impression I Care?

An entire section of this student-run newspaper was dedicated to sports!

My Dog Hates ISIS, but You Don’t See Him Bragging About It

Wilco had no comment. But I could tell he was proud to be an American.

DP Wins Pacemaker Despite Existence of Under the Button

The Daily Pennsylvanian recently received several college journalism accolades. These awards included the prestigious Pacemaker Award, commonly referred to as the “Pulitzer Prize of college journalism." While this achievement would be amazing on its own, it is especially so considering the existence of Under the Button.

OP-ED: You May Have a Cartier Bracelet and a Job Lined up at Goldman, but I Have Syphilis, so Who’s Laughing Now?

Poor baby, you don’t know anything about reality. You probably don’t even have lesions on your genitals. How are you going to work at a big, bad company like Goldman without a disfiguring STI?

Wharton Student Horrified by Immobile Staircase

“I just don’t get why stairs still exist. Like I get it for people who live in villages or farms or whatever, but for those of us who grew up in skyscrapers, which is obviously most of Penn, stairs are really challenging and, quite frankly, horrifying.” 

Louder Repetition of Joke Confirms Brad Not Funny

“Factor? I barely know her!” After receiving no audible response, he boldly tried again, this time louder for the whole class to hear.

OP-ED: I Don’t Use Handshake Because It Spreads Germs

Handshake calls itself “the largest career community for students and recent grads.” Well, do you know where diseases spread? That’s right — communities. And do you know how they spread? Physical touch.

Great White Shark Strikes Lauder House

"If someone wants to bring their dangerous animals, they should have every right.”

To My Writing Sem. Professor: So, You Didn't like My Fanfic?

Sure, I didn’t read Goffman’s The Presentation of Self in Everyday Life but I’m sure you didn’t either. Where was the romance? The suspense? 

'I Can't Get Sick, Not Now' Says Already Sick Guy

He never leaves home without a surgical mask and latex gloves. He washes his hands with Germ-X, and showers with a liberal amount of Purell. In the morning, he doesn’t feel alive until he gets his line of Emergen-C in. He truly is a bastion of health

Penn Student Does Not Want to Die Because That Would Decrease His Productivity

Johnson likes to do market research for startups in his free time. Outside of that, he attends BYOs for the 15 branches of SPEC of which he is a part.

I Pointed a Fan at High Rise Field to Give It a Taste of Its Own Medicine

My fan might be small, but my wind-fueled hatred towards you and everything you stand for is immense.

60m Sprint World Record Broken by Student Running to Catch Williams Door

Lindsay reportedly blasted by bewildered onlookers, covering 60 meters in just around five seconds. Not only was she able to successfully grab the door before it closed, but also she also happened to break the outstanding world record for the 60-meter dash: 6.34 seconds.

OP-ED: Let Girls Wear Whatever Slutty Costume They Want Except Sexy Joker Because That's Mine

If ladies want to show off as a little bit of skin, why shouldn't they? Let them dress up as a slutty devil, a cop showing some cleavage, or literally anything else. They're just having fun and not hurting anyone. As long as they're not painting their faces the colors of Joaquin Phoenix's Joker, I don't see any problem with it.

Influencer Barters down Price at Saxby’s Claiming “Mutually Beneficial Partnership”

With close to 4K followers on Instagram and a regularly updated blog, Edelstein finds it in the best interest of her proprietors to discount her purchases.

Rebecca Reporting She’s Actually Pretty Gone Right Now

That night, there were no rules — within reason. She was going to get wild — but a firm line was going to be drawn well before cocaine. She would take no bullshit — unless the bouncer at smokes said she was not, in fact, 23, in which case she would respectfully take her face glitter and ID and walk away.

Hall Lounge is Really Just “My Roommate is Fucking” Lounge

“I just want to sleep,” another student complains, “but it seems like my roommate has other plans.”

Anti-Social Shoppers Brawl over CVS Self-Checkout Lanes

Battle cries are screeched at top volume, such as “This. Is. CVSS!!!” or “If you have your extra care card please scan it now!!!”