As I looked across campus, I couldn't miss the mass movement of students turning up in all shades of green, making their total commitment to a progressive Green New Deal heard loud and clear. 

Universally known to be a “gigantic fuck-up,” giving a pledge a sock calls for his immediate induction into the brotherhood per the bylaws of the Interfraternity Council.

Students who did not register may alternatively enroll in CIS 675, PHYS 982, or PHIL 10010043, which are all still open.

“I couldn’t walk there, I couldn’t have people judge me for Ubering, I couldn’t disrespect the boys of Beta Beta by not prioritizing their party.”

I’ll keep this short. This Devin Wasserman kid is a little punk.

She was so flexible when we did sex! I was able to see into her whole belly button. Fellas, us non-virgins here know how hot that is.

The events are carefully reviewed by a committee of esteemed writers who judge the pieces on a myriad of qualifications. 

Sitting down in a seat was an ordeal in itself; Brewer was practically top-heavy thanks to his enormous brain.

Frontera takes a month to make a sandwich, so really, all things considered, it's pretty impressive that they might be able to close entirely within just a few months. The scariest part about Frontera closing is that it's possible that they'll close before finishing someone's meal.

“It’s tragic, but all of the medical professionals agree – this class is just far too thirsty to survive, and this Wawa incident has proved that once and for all.”

That’s right, folks. Lindsey can fit her Nalgene, large coffee, and cold pressed grapefruit juice all on the same desk. 

Dr. Blum is a real doctor, a surgeon. He doesn’t do cosmetic procedures.

By optimizing my dick appointments, I not only have an incredible amount of sex but also have enough time to call dad at seven.

UTB did the math and plugged the amount of subtitles that Chiren read into our proprietary algorithm. We determined it was exactly equivalent to the 350 pages of reading that he was supposed to do instead. 

Up flies Kyle’s hand. Uh-oh. He’s exactly who his name suggests he is.

I’m simply not qualified to get any of the jobs where I can shit all over the poor and not even know I’m doing it.

The nation’s only collegiate organization focused only on setting world records.

During his visit to campus, Tucker O'Connell stole a mango Naked juice from Gourmet Grocer.

After indicting former Penn Basketball coach Jerome Allen for accepting bribes to recruit a student, the Department of Justice set their sights on another case, this one involving Tate Dentworth (W '20), the only member of the men’s swim team who wears flotation devices when competing.

I know you were really stressed out about that calculus class when we last spoke a few months ago. I hope it’s going better! You are so smart.