“It’s like, that’s for you to decide. We’re not gonna sit here and say ‘binge drinking unequivocally has a negative impact on your health.’ Nope, that’s just not our style. We’ll show you the scans of the liver, and then it's up to you, the reader, to find meaning."

Yeah, I’m sorry man, I can’t let all of you guys in unless you know other brothers in the house. I don’t make the rules! Well…actually…I kind of do.

“This makes things so much easier! My family is going to eat Thanksgiving dinner at the LAX P.F. Chang’s with me, then I’ll get right back on the plane and head back to Philly that night. Convenient!”

Poseidon had the power to make every Greek Lady gyro just over the correct amount of moistness, which ruined each meal.

Students eagerly awaited someone who would be radically different than the lecturer who’d accounted for a whopping 27 hours of their online shopping time.

Do we want to be left in the dust when the colossal machine that is globalization sweeps by? Or do we want to gouge out our eyeballs, excavate all of the vitreous humor, and insert spherical seeing devices designed by our top scientists and engineers into the gaps?

No, I don’t understand what the fuck a supply shortage is and why it is causing the Starbucks on 40th and Walnut to be out of stock of the breakfast sandwich I eat every single day. 

No, Mom and Dad, this is not some irresponsible decision or “proof that I need to get my shit together.” This is ketamine, and now researchers say that it has the potential to help heal from trauma or treat mental illness or something, I don’t really know. 

We’re the Penn students who ghostwrite all of Ian’s articles Yeah Yeah Hehe It’s not easy work but he pays us in exposure Speak for yourself muchacho Hehe Guys! Shut up! For Pete’s sake! Let her speak!

The rest of the show went on this way, with each new version of the song adding a new cup in the background, as well as occasional harmonizing.  

As he walked back to his dorm from Wawa, he continued to impose his superior intellect on all who walked by him, making snide remarks such as “How flummoxing the weather is today,” and “What flummoxing shoes you have.”

In order to shield any nerd who might decide to wear a mask at such a late hour from ridicule, Allegro has decided to fully ban masks in the interest of safety. 

Tired of indolence on the part of faculty and students, Stewart took the matter into his own hands by converting a non-necessary part of his dorm room, his roommateu2019s half of the room, into a fully functioning compost pile. 

“Screw it, release the dolphins,” Director of Residential Services Justin Hopper muttered, staring at the water leaking out the windows on the 22nd floor.

One moment I was by my laptop, about to type away my lab report. And then the next, I was high out of my mind. Absolutely nothing happened in between. I was as confused as you are.

Meet the man who is single-handedly reversing gender roles and saving damsels in distress.

No, I cannot clean my dinner off the dining room table because I am having a “bad brain day.”

After binge watching all the Timothée Chalamet movies that she could get her pissy, grubby little paws on, she developed an unfortunate main character complex. 

To make matters worse, he told them by custom bitmoji.

If I am being honest, I would rather eat nails and shit them out one by one than walk.