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They Do the DP Crossword Together Every Week. Last Friday, She Used It to Tell Her 'we should stop hooking up. idk i think ur kinda too clingy'

Johns, who reached out to the DP weeks in advance, wanted to reject Thomas in a unique way.

Heartbreaking: Freshman Realizes 'BBB' Major Doesn't Stand for 'Big Booty Bitches'

Why do I think Penn is the right school for me? Three words...

Philadelphia Overlooked as Gutmann Picks New York and DC as Sites for New Penn HQ

Penn announced on Tuesday that—despite its student body and the large amounts of land it has purchased and gentrified in West Philly—it will be building new offices in New York City and Washington, D.C.

College Junior Fluent in Mandarin After Incredible, Immersive Year in Domus

Jacob Smith, a junior studying economics in the College, may not strike you immediately as someone who fulfilled his language requirement with Mandarin.

Student Completes Tiny Act of Kindness for the Day, Spends Rest of Day Being a Dick Like Usual

At 9:54 a.m., Liam Taylor (C ’20) was on his way to get a spicy beverage from Pret a Manger when, in an act of complete selflessness and humility, he held open the door for the person behind him.

Engineering Junior in the Midst of Applying to Internships Attends Seance, Hoping to Recall Soul from the Dead

After Jenny Teller (E ’20) was told by her academic advisor to “have more soul” going into the internship recruitment process, she knew exactly what had to be done.

Newsflash: The Rodent in Your Dorm Room Isn’t a Mouse, It’s an Elephant Shrew!

Yo kid, that’s not a mouse under your refrigerator, that’s a goddamn elephant shrew, and you better take good care of it.

Professors Agree: Inappropriately Long and Stressful Midterm Best Way to Test Material

"Academic professionals everywhere know that the human brain performs at its best when under immense, crippling stress."

UPennAlert: Really Fucking Cute Dog on 36th and Locust

On Thursday, Penn students staff, and faculty received text notifications regarding an “adorable dog, possibly wearing a sweater and shoes at 3600 Locust Walk.” 

Freshman Realizing Signing Year-Long Lease with Essential Strangers Might Have Been a Bit Hasty

“There was a lot of pressure to sign the lease before November,” Rodriguez said.

Yikes: Premed Accidentally Takes SAT Instead of MCAT

From his pristine GPA to his extracurriculars, Preston Fleming (C ’21) was a guy who had school figured out. Or at least, so he thought. 

World-Renowned Guest Lecturer Has Record High Attendance of Students Texting on Laptops

At Penn, guest lectures are often viewed as skip days for that class, or, at the very least, a nap period.

Fine Arts Student Discovers Abstract Algebra has Nothing to do With Abstract Art

Panic quickly devolved into horror in class today as fine arts major April Hubman (C’20) suddenly realized that the abstract algebra class she was in had absolutely nothing to do with abstract art. 

Not Just the Compass: Freshman Think Tank Devises New Excuses for Failing Entire Classes

Penn is all about tradition, and the traditions we make together are those which will define us for generations to come.

Student Gives Peers Exactly Two Minutes to Get Their Clothes from the Dryer Before He Takes Matters into His Own Hands

“Two of the dryers finished drying, can the owners come pick their clothes up,” Werfel wrote passive-aggressively, phone in one hand, stopwatch clutched in the other. “I will wait two minutes before I take matters into my own hands and place them on the counter."

OP-ED: I'm Actually Playing This Computer Game to Distract My Classmates as a Form of Sabotage

There’s lots of ways students zone out during classes nowadays.

‘Ow! My Pee! It Burns!' and 7 Other UTI-Related Exclamations to Ward off That Creepy Guy at the Bar

Bring out the big guns and use one or many of these UTI-related exclamations to ward off that creepy guy.

Wilcaf Baristas Misunderstand 'Cuffing Season,' Cuff Jeans Instead

As cuffing season approaches, more and more desperate Penn students find themselves settling for relationships with mediocre hookups.

Squirrels’ Pick: Garbage Truck Best Food Truck at Penn

The Garbage Truck has provided undergraduate squirrels, graduate squirrels, and squirrel faculty with delicious, fresh, and cheap eats. 

Real-Life Sophie's Choice: Kristen Can't Choose Between Offers at Bain and McKinsey

Recruiting is rarely kind to anyone.