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News


It All Makes Sense: Gregory 'House' Actually A Registered Frat

Following the recent policy change in sophomore year housing, questions about on-campus options prompted Penn’s Residential Services to publish a comprehensive list of what students can look forward to.


BREAKING: Student Bravely Walks Past Site of UPenn Alert

Last Friday night, students were alarmed to hear of a burglary at 40th and Walnut. While most of us locked ourselves in our bedrooms scared shitless until we received the “all clear” message from Penn security, one student faced the danger head on.


Elon Musk Tops Wharton's $50 Mil. Donation in Support of Penn Medicine Marijuana Research

Elon Musk, seeing this headline through the bottom of another Teslaquila shot, decided he could do better. Musk announced via twitter, “The single largest gift in Wharton history was my presence. Will donate 50mil and an unused submarine.”


Penn Anti-Vax Club Working to Single-Handedly Bring Back Polio

In the coming months, Parker has made it the club’s goal to bring back Polio, a virus that has been eradicated in the U.S. through vaccination. With his graduation date on the horizon, Parker says it is now or never.


Students Can Now Use LibCal to Sexile Their Roommates

Gone are the days of neckties on your doorknob and drunk texts at 2:00 a.m. kindly asking your roommate to fuck off to their friend’s couch. Students are now able to conveniently schedule their hookups directly through LibCal.


Wow! Boy Manages to Fall in Love With Entirety of Bloomers All at Once

In a move that surprised literally no one, yet another boy has caught feelings for every member of Bloomers. Alex Huang (C ‘20) is one of many “Bloomers Bros,” the fan club of boys who would do anything it takes to win a date with a member of the all-female sketch comedy group.


Frat Brothers Tell Freshmen to Take a Lap, Collectively Climax

This past Friday, freshman Michael Lucas was told to take a lap by brothers in front of the frat, who climaxed immediately after uttering the words.


Freshman Unsure If She Should Stay Friends With Hall Until After Group Halloween Costume

Now that it’s October, Halloween is probably the only thing anyone is thinking about. Besides the pressure to find a costume that is both funny and slutty, there’s the importance of having a good group costume.


Embarrassing: Over Half of Penn English Majors Can’t Spell 'Schuylkill'

A recent survey conducted by the Penn English Department found that over half of their undergraduate majors could not spell “Schuylkill,” a finding which calls into question the quality of education English majors receive at the school.


Most Lit Party This Friday?! Squirrel Orgy in Locust Garbage Can

Last Friday, MERT bikers converged on an oddly loud trash can.


Epic Win: Boy Starts Crying Instead of Screaming During Consulting Case Interview

Last Monday was a big day for Wharton junior Justin Morowitz, who interviewed for yet another consulting company despite having been rejected from over 60 firms.


Wow! Meet the Remarkable Math 114 TA Who Only Slept Through Three of His Recitations!

In the past two years, Vishnevsky has received satisfactory ratings of 3.00 and 2.95 out of 4.00 on Penn Course Review, thus becoming the 56th highest rated TA at Penn.


BREAKING: Junior Marks ‘Maybe’ on Facebook Event, Attends

After two years of ghosting all of his friends and acquaintances, College junior Sean Barnett has finally attended an event he marked as “maybe” on Facebook.


Sophomore Who Enjoys 'Philly’s Unique Atmosphere' Really Just Likes Smell of Weed

Some have a soft spot for Geno’s Steaks. Others are enamored by the skillful brushstrokes of yore at the Philadelphia Museum of Art. But sophomore Julie Atkinson fell in love with Philly for a different reason.


New Study Finds 6th Consecutive 'Ice-ing' Way Less Funny Than First

he conclusion was supported in multiple different environments, such as a pregame, Banana Leaf, or in your living with just you and your friend alone.


Improv-Comedy Group 'Without a Net' Finally Gets Funding for a Net

Penn’s improv group "Without a Net" might soon be needing a new name, as they have finally received the funds necessary for their very own net.


Top 5 Lecture Halls for Eating a Loud, Smelly Meal

Have you ever picked up your second chicken over rice of the day and thought to yourself, "Hmm... I wonder which hot, crowded, uncomfortable classroom I should eat this in?" Well, we've got five lecture halls where you'll be sure to make your classmates gag!


PPE? BBB? Take a Look At Penn's Newest, Most Intense Major: THC

Trade and Horticultural Cultivation, a Wharton-specific major, studies burgeoning financial markets in plant-related management, utility and technologies.


Nine Hour NEC Trial Ends Just Shy of Ten Hour Goal

With outcry by some over the what was seen as unnecessarily long process, the NEC on Monday released a statement saying it will try better in the future to get to a nice, even ten hours. 


Yikes: Student Who Says 'I'm Actually Really Interested in Finance' Not a Sellout, Just a Nerd

Unfortunately for everyone around him, Brett loves arranging excel spreadsheets, researching market trends, and creating investment algorithms.


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